Do you want to know how to heal from narcissistic abuse. Well, you're not alone. There's a lot of
people experiencing narcissistic psychological abuse right now. I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach
all about parenting good communication and how to create good strong relationships and in this
video we're going to be talking about narcissism and what you can do to break out of narcissism.
In this video, we're going to talk about what narcissism can do to a person and then we're going
to talk about steps that you can take to break out or heal from a narcissistic relationship. In
recent years, I've had more people talk to me about narcissism than ever before. I remember one time a
woman said to me this was honestly probably like 15 years ago. A woman sent me an email and she's
like, "Nicholeen, I really want to do this teaching self-government stuff. I really would love to do
it with my son because I can see that this stuff is valuable, it's good, I love what I'm learning.
But how do I do it with a 40 year old son who's a narcissist? He's a diagnosed narcissist and I was
like, whoa, you know that's actually quite a thing for her to try to do self-government principles
with a diagnosed narcissist who's an adult because he would not see things the same way.
As her and that would be a pretty hard sell. Anyway, I had some communication with her back and forth
and we tried to come up with a plan for her for how she could live according to the teaching
self-government principles and hopefully help her son. But in the middle of this, she also had
to maintain the right type of boundaries to keep herself safe. That was the part of healing that
was probably the hardest for her to do because she wanted to help him, she loved him. But she also knew
she needed to keep herself safe in the meantime. We're going to talk about what to do and some of
the advice that I gave her. But before we do that, I definitely want to talk about what narcissism
does do to a person? So, when you are the victim of psychological abuse which can be called narcissism
or sociopath or psychopathic behavior. When you are the victim of that type of narcissistic behavior
you really end up confused a lot of the time. At one moment the person seems like the best thing
there ever was, they love you, they welcome you in, they're connecting with you. Sometimes overly
connecting with you. They seem so amazing, everyone likes them, and then all of a sudden they turn
on you. They tell you awful things. They beat you up. They tear you down. They do things on purpose
just to hurt you and then boom they're happy and wonderful again. So, they use you as this kind of a
whipping post or something where it's like every once in a while they just attack you and then all
of a sudden, it's like nothing ever happened. It's so confusing because you start trying really hard
to please the person and then you think you're having success because they go back to nice...
This is so difficult. It can be very confusing. There's a lot of different tricks and strategies
that a person utilizes when they are a narcissist. I have other videos that talk about a lot of the
tricks. So, if you want to determine exactly what tricks have been used on used be sure to
look up those other videos on narcissism on this channel. But one of the biggest things is confusion
and they're able to pull the wool over a lot of other people's eyes. So, many people don't see it.
The victim of the narcissism can oftentimes be seen as crazy. In fact, usually, the narcissist and
the victim are calling each other the narcissist and it can be very difficult to figure out who
the narcissist really is. One of them is sometimes both of them are. One of them is but the other one
is just the victim now of being called names. This type of thing happens all the time. So,
what do you do if you're in that type of a circumstance? What did this mother do? Now, she loved
her son, he didn't live with her any longer. So, he was 40 years old and they did have a little bit of
a distance there which did help her. But she wanted to maintain a bond or connection with her son.
She just didn't want to get beat up all the time. So, what can she do? In fact, many people
find themselves in a narcissistic marriage relationship. They don't want to end the
marriage maybe for the children. Maybe they even still really love the person and there are a lot
of good moments but they really don't like the narcissistic moments right and so they want to
keep themselves safe in those moments. What do they do? How do they take steps to keep themselves safe?
Well, let's talk about that. Before we talk about the exact steps that you can take to keep yourself
safe and to start healing from psychological abuse called narcissism click the subscribe button now.
There are so many great videos on this channel that are meant for healing. They're meant to help
your family and your relationships. They're meant to help you self-govern you. So, click the subscribe
button now. Sometimes you don't know what you don't know but the videos on this channel truly can be
life-changing and give you the power you need to break out of this bad cycle that you might find
yourself in. One of the most important things that I can tell you is that healing is possible because
healing comes from inside you. So, that's the most important thing that you need to know okay
and if I were you I would definitely take spiritual measures to have some healing too. So,
I am a religious person, I follow Jesus Christ and so for me, you know utilizing his suffering his
atoning sacrifice for me would be huge. That would be a big part of my healing. Sometimes you've got
to give it up to God, give it up to Christ, again and again so that you don't have to carry the
burden. So, start there, start by giving it up if you know that it's already happening. But if you don't
know it's already happening let's start with what you can do to make sure. Step number one
is to identify the psychological abuse. So, you're going to want to watch other videos about
narcissism maybe even read the book called Healing From Hidden Abuse which has a ton of content in it
about narcissism. So, that could be a great place to start as well and as you start doing some learning
hopefully, you can identify the narcissistic behavior that's being done to you. Maybe
you'll even identify some of your own narcissistic behavior. Because if you've been hanging around
with a narcissist guess what happens? You get trained to be a narcissist too. That's
how narcissists are born. So, you've got to also be watchful about what you're seeing within yourself.
So, start identifying behaviors, identifying thought patterns, and start writing them down. So, keep a
journal. Have a special notebook where you just start writing the things that you see or have
seen. The things that you felt or done and see if any of those things actually can be classified as
narcissistic tendencies. The next thing you want to do is learn about all the strategies that are
used to control other people. Narcissist have a lot of different things that they do to
try to control and I have other videos on that. So, go find the other videos on that and you'll
be able to find out how you might be controlled by a narcissist. This is an important thing too
because you've got to identify it so you have more to write and once you can identify it that
means that it can't take control over you. So, if all of a sudden they're like, "Oh, you're the best,
I love you", and they're being so nice but they weren't before then you can say, "Wait a second,
even though they're being so nice I appreciate that but this probably is just part of the same
game. So, I'm not going to let myself think that everything is better. I'll appreciate it but I'm
not going to think everything is better and that somehow something I did made this change. Because
it might have nothing to do with me", the next thing is now you've identified what's happened.
You've been writing some things down. You've looked at the different behaviors or strategies that
might have happened to you and now you're allowing yourself to see what you haven't seen before.
At this point, we need to have a little dose of hope, okay. So, the hope that you need to tell
yourself is, "I can heal. People have healed from this before. People can break out of a narcissistic
relationship or they can learn to live with a narcissistic relationship happening and still be
okay." Some people do have to break away I want you to know that. So, tell yourself there is hope.
There is healing and don't forget to turn to God. Push away any tendencies or desires that you have
to mimic the narcissistic behavior. So, constantly keep watching yourself and anytime you see
that you might be acting in a narcissistic way push that away tell yourself "no". Give yourself a
"no" answer drop the subject about whatever that was and give yourself an instruction for a new way to be.
So, in your little notebook what you might want to do is you might want to say, "Okay, when I control
people this way or when I think this I'm going to change that thought now and think this because I
don't want to fall into the same narcissistic traps ". Here comes the part that's really hard
but it's possible and I want you to know it's possible. It's possible in any relationship ever.
It is create boundaries sometimes even distance is required. If you can break away from a narcissist
if you can, okay. If it's one of those things where it's just a narcissistic neighbor
then just don't talk to that neighbor anymore. But if you're living in the same house and you're part
of the same family and you want family bonds with that narcissist then instead you've got to create
boundaries you've got to tell yourself, "I will talk about that kind of thing. I won't talk about that
type of thing", or you need to say to yourself, "When that person tries to tell me something that was my
fault you need to say I won't hear that. You know what, if that's how you feel that's fine but I'm
not going to be hearing that right now. That is a boundary line that I'm not going to allow you to
cross. You don't get to control me and tell me what I need to do and not do or you don't get to tear
me down right now I'm sorry". You just put up the boundary and tell them that's where it is and you
might have to pre-teach the boundary ahead of time say, "We've had a problem with you trying to tell me
what to do or you tearing me down in this way, we're not going to have that problem anymore.
Because I'm not going to listen to that anymore. So, when you start tearing me down
I'm going to tell you that's not appropriate communication and I'm not going to heed that.
So, you just need to stop", and you'll just have to tell them that that's what your boundary line is.
They may be real mad about it. Don't worry they're a narcissist. They're going to try a new tactic to
see if they can suck you in. They're going to tell you you are unreasonable. They might even go tell
other people how awful you are that you're pushing them away. They're going to try all kinds of stuff
but you have to have the boundary. You stand on it, be firm, don't get emotionally connected
to anything else just drop the subject if any emotion comes into your heart or mind. Because
you must keep those boundaries safe so that that person is protected from harming you too. Finally,
make plans to normalize life. What is a normal life? Do you even know anymore? Sometimes people
who have been in a narcissistic relationship forget what normal is which is why they stay
in the relationship for a really long time. But you've got to make a normal life. If you've been
psychologically abused at work then maybe you get a new job or you transfer you move to a new
department something like that. But you fix the situation at work. If you've had narcissistic
relationships at home then you talk to somebody about what home life should be like. You might
even need a mentor somebody to ask what is normal life at home? What should a happy home feel like?
How many fights are too many fights? How many mean words are too many mean words? You know, have these
conversations and write down your picture your view of what a normal life is. Now, that doesn't
mean you'll get to control it and you've got to be careful about that or you'll turn into the
next micromanager at the very least if not kind of go narcissistic yourself. So, what you have to do is
you have to say, "Okay, this is the normal I'm going for and I'm going to start to make deliberate
plans to change the things in my life so that I can achieve this version of normal. So that I can
know my life is getting back to normal. It's going to be hard change is hard. Sometimes you'll have a
hard time giving up the abuse because it's been happening so long, it seems like normal.
So, get some help have someone to talk to about what is normal and what is not normal and then
start following through deliberately on your normal plan. Now, let me tell you something that
people can do and that might help you. People who are psychologically and emotionally healthy
can get calm if they want to. This could be a skill that could really benefit you as you are
trying to heal and I would love to help you learn it. So, I have a calm parenting toolkit that I would
like to give you for free. So, there is a link in the video description of this video that says
teachselfgov.com/toolkit. Click on the link to that calm parenting toolkit now
and you will get the help that you need in order to be calm. When somebody is else is starting to
lose control to try to control you. You need those tools and they will be the first best start for
learning self-government for all the years to come. So, click on the link now and I'll see you there.