Great to be here in America.
I just moved here, I'm Canadian.
(audience cheers)
Ah, nice, yeah, no, but I just moved here a few months ago,
I looked at the current political climate
and I said, "Now's the time."
(audience laughs)
Felt right.
I just earned an interesting law.
You know, up until recently, it was illegal
for gay men to donate blood in America,
which is not cool, that's discrimination,
but they changed the law recently where gay men
are now allowed to donate blood, which is great news.
There's just one little caveat, gay men can now donate blood
as long as they haven't had sex in one year, so.
(audience laughs)
That's even more ridiculous, that's crazy.
If you're not having sex for one whole year,
that's a lifestyle choice I can't get behind.
(audience laughs)
I have no problem getting a blood transfusion
from a gay man but I'll be damned if I have
loser blood coursing through my veins.
(audience laughs)
No way.
(audience applauds)
I'm not gay myself, I'm a straight man.
I live with my girlfriend and she's a sweetheart.
She's had to make a few adjustments 'cause I wear
hearing aids, and I'm sure you can see them, right?
Got 'em here, yeah, I'm sure you can.
If you can't see them, get your eyes checked,
(all laugh)
you bunch of blind losers, but um,
(audience laughs)
no, but I hate all other disabilities, and.
(audience laughs)
The biggest adjustment my girlfriend's had to make
is I take my hearing aids out when I go to sleep,
so, you know, when we're lying in bed at the end of the day,
there's no casual transitions from talking into sleeping.
(audience laughs)
When I take these hearing aids out, talking time is over.
(audience laughs)
Sleeping time has begun.
We even have a little ritual we do now
where before I take them out, I make like a last call.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, hey, baby, you got any final thoughts on the day?
Any closing remarks 'cause I'm about to shut this shit down.
(audience laughs)
it's not all fun and games though.
She said something to me recently that shook me,
you know, rocked me to my very core.
She said, "When we go to sleep at night,
"when you take out your hearing aids,
"I feel alone, I feel very alone,"
and I was like, whoa, alone, baby, no, you're not alone.
Remember that I'm right there beside you,
and if anything happens in the middle of the night,
anything at all, I need you to save me.
(audience laughs)
You're not alone, don't ever forget that.
I need you so bad.
(audience laughs)
in fact, I'm going to need you to start
sleeping with your contacts in, please.
We're very vulnerable right now.
(audience laughs)
I take out my hearing aids,
you take out your contacts, eww, you know.
As a unit, we've gone full Helen Keller.
(audience applauds)
I don't hear whispering at all.
Even with my hearing aids in, whenever somebody whispers
to me, I'm like, if this is a secret,
you can rest assured, very, very safe.
Stays with us, mainly with you.
(audience laughs)
It's the worst, I'm missing out on all the good stuff,
right, the juicy salacious details.
Nobody's ever whispering small talk.
Nobody's ever like, "It's a really beautiful day out there."
Why are you whispering that?
No, it's always the good stuff and I'm missing out,
but I can hear the first level of whispering.
You know, when somebody's kind of whispering,
but there's still some volume.
I can hear that, but every level after that,
when it gets lower and juicier, I don't hear,
so, I just respond to the first part that I heard,
and I end up looking like a moron.
You know, like my friend came up to me and she was like,
"I was in Bermuda last week
"and I cheated on my husband
"with two guys at the same time,"
and I was like, "I have always wanted to go to Bermuda."
(audience laughs)