>> THE FCC APPROVED A CONTROVERSIAL PLAN TO REPEAL NET
NEUTRALITY REGULATIONS. THE MOVE WAS SPEARHEADED BY FCC
CHAIRMAN PAI WHO I ASSUME TRUMP PICKED BECAUSE HE LGD AT HIM ONE
TIME AND THOUGHT, "I BET THIS GUY DOES COMPUTERS."
>> TWO GENERIC VERSIONS OF VIAGRA ARE NOW AVAILABLE,
PERFECT FOR WHEN THE MOMENT STRIKES AND YOU WANT TO TELL
THAT SPECIAL LADY, HEY, BABY, I'M BROKE.
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT A 6-YEAR-OLD BOY WHO REVIEWS TOYS
ON YOU TUBE MADE $11 MILLION THIS YEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT, SAID HIS PARENTS, YOU MADE 50 WHOLE DOLLARS.
>> ACCORDING TO A SURVEY, 40% OF EMPLOYEES HAVE CALLED IN SICK
OVER THE LAST YEAR WHEN THEY WERE ACTUALLY HEALTHY.
BUT I MAINTAIN THAT I ACTUALLY DID HAVE THE FLU AND THE ONLY
CURE WAS VACATION BRAIDS. >>> CONSUMER WATCHDOG GROUPS ARE
WARNING THAT DEVICES LIKE AMAZON'S ECHO AND GOOGLE HOME
MAY BE RECORDING PEOPLE ALL THE TIME.
WHICH EXPLAINS WHY ALL THE ADS THAT POP UP ON MY COMPUTER ARE
FOR GAS-X. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THERE IS ONLY EIGHT DAYS LEFT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
HERE WITH HIS HOLIDAY DATING TIPS IS THE GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT
A BOAT. ♪ IT'S BEGINNING TO
LOOK A LOT LIKE SEX-MAS ♪ HEY, HAPPY HOLE-IDAYS,
SANTA CALLS. SKIN TIGHT TO BE BACK.
>> MY GOD, I THINK YOU'RE WORSE THAN I REMEMBERED.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? >> NOT GREAT, COL.
THE WORLD HAS GOTTEN ITS GRANNY PANTIES IN A REAL TWIST SINCE
LAST WE SPAKE. GOT INTO SOME OF WAT AT THE
OFFICE. HAD TO GO INCOGNEET FOR A BEAT
AT A LITTLE ADDICT FACIL OUT IN THE 'BU.
LOWKEY LITTLE SEX REHAB SITUATION SAVED MY J-O-B.
IT WAS HARD, BUT OVERALL PRETTY TIGHT.
AND I'M A CHANGED MAN. >> THAT'S GREAT MAN, CONGRATS.
>> THANK YOU. NOW LET'S TALK GETTING --
♪ FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAID ♪
>> OH, MY GOD. THERE'S MY GUY.
>> ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME TIPS THAT COULD HELP EVEN SANTA SLAY.
WHEN IT COMES TO BUYING GIFTS, YOU CAN'T LOSE WITH BOOZE.
GO FOR THAT SECOND SMALLEST BOTTLE OF BAILS.
MAYBE A NICE STOL OR RANG. OR JUST BRING SOME VINO TO THE
SCENEO. PICK UP ANYTHING IN THAT
SUB-20 BUCK RANGE THAT'LL GET HER LIT UP LIKE THAT TREE IN
ROCKEFELLY CENTRO. I HAVE A SMALL, BAD WANG.
NOW, LET'S TALK GIFTS OF GOLD AND FRANKINCENSE THAT'LL HAVE
HER COMING BACK FOR MYHR. 'TIS THE HOLIDAY FOR LINGERIE.
AND, GENTS, DON'T HALF SHAFT IT WITH SOME CUT-RATE SKIVVIES.
OKAY? HEAD STRAIGHT TO VICKY SEEKS,
AND ASK FOR A RECOMMENDAISH. DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT SIZE,
JUST MAKE A GUESSTIMASH BASED ON THE GOODIES THE SALES CHICK GOT
PACKED FOR LUNCH. MY JUNK BLOWS.
>> I'M SORRY, THESE ARE AGAIN CHRISTMAS DATING TIPS?
THAT'S THE IDEA? >> WEE, MONSIEUR.
TO MAKE YOUR MISSES CLAWS -- UP YOUR BACK --
YOU'VE GOTTA SET A WINTERY SCENE.
TAKE HER TO A TOP-NOTCH SKI REZ AND GET YOUR SLOPE ON.
THEN RETIRE TO THE SKI CHALET WHERE SHE SHALL LAY IF YOU PLAY
THINGS RIGHT. REMEMBER, MISTLETOE LEADS TO
CAMEL TOE. MEDICALLY SPEAKING, MY MISSILE
IS A TOE. NOW LIGHT UP THE FIRE --
[ LAUGHTER ] >> GEEZ.
>> OH, NO. >> HAPPY HOLE-DAYS INDEED.
LIGHT UP A FIRE AND YULE LOG HER QUICKER THAN YOU CAN SAY,
"THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME." BUT IT ALWAYS DOES.
IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR, BUT SHE MOIST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
NEITHER GROWER NOR SHOWER. >> COME ON, MAN.
THIS IS THE CHRISTMAS SHOW. >> ROGER, DODGER.
NOW LET'S TALK POST-COIT PROTOCOLS.
ONCE YOU'VE DONE THE DEED AND SEWN THE SEED, YOU CAN RUN, RUN
RUDOLPH. MAKE LIKE SANTA CLAUS AND LEAVE
HER PRESENCE. BAD JINGLE, WORSE BELLS.
>> DISGUSTING. >> HEY MAN, DON'T MAKE ME DECK
THE COLS. NO, I'M JOST KIDDING.
I ONLY PICK ON PEOPLE MY OWN SIZE, WHICH IS JUST SHOCKINGLY
SMALL. MY PENIS, I MEAN.
IT'S BATH -- IT'S BAD, AND IT'S SMALL,
AND THE THING IS, COLIN, NOBODY LIKES, IT.
IT'S A FELIZ NAVIDUD. IN CONCLUSION, NO MATTER WHO YOU
OPEN PRESENTS WITH ON X-X-X MAS, THERE IS NO BETTER PLACE TO
UNWRAP A BOX THAN ON THE STERN OF THE UPTOWN GIRL.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT'S THE UPTOWN GIRL?
>> MY BOAT, COLIN! >> OH, GOD.
THE GUY WHO BOUGHT A BOAT, EVERYONE.
>> IT'S DOCKED AT MAR-A-LAGO! >>> FOR WEEKEND