(intense music)
(owl hooting)
(chains rattling)
(crow cawing)
(ominous music)
(owl hooting)
(sky thundering)
- They're still out there.
- Maybe we should split up and hide.
I call him to the bed.
- Oh God, Jay, what do we do?
(sky thundering)
- Don't worry, Mary Beth.
(suspenseful music)
I know exactly what to do.
(door slamming)
(key ratting in lock)
(chair thudding)
(knocking)
- Jay, what are you doing in there?
- You got this.
- Who are you talking to?
(suspenseful music)
(phone ringing)
- Don't Die First.
Keeping black people saved during horror situations.
What's your emergency?
- Hey.
Hi, so a group of my white friends
and me went to a cabin in the woods.
- First mistake.
- Yeah. Now there's a creepy group of mass killers outside
and I was just wondering, how do I not die first?
- Well, you called the right number.
(clearing throat)
Cabin in the woods home invasion.
Huh?
Okay.
So if you're alone right now,
I advise you to find a white friend immediately
preferably a female between the ages of 18 and 30.
Do not let that white girl outta your sight.
Okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
My girlfriend, Mary Beth.
She's right out there.
- That's good.
That's good.
Let's see, some things to remember, do not be a hero.
Do not be the one to approach the killer in any way.
If there are weapons around you pass them to Mary Beth.
- To marry Beth?
Mary Beth?
- [Monica] Mm.
- She may look innocent,
but she will fuck them people up if she gets the chance.
See, with a little luck,
I think you'll survive the night.
Oh, please, if you can refrain from any humor.
Okay, if you black and funny, it's a rap for you.
- Got it.
Thank you.
- What are we going to do?
- Don't worry, Mary Beth.
I won't let you outta my sight.
(ominous music)
- And that's all you do.
Makes sense newbie?
- Got it Monica.
It's starting to make some sense to me.
I mean, that was what, fifth call of the night so far?
- Child, you have no idea.
Okay. Halloween night, prime time
for white people to start doing dumb
that gets their black friends killed.
(phone ringing)
You up Craig.
(phone ringing)
Good luck.
(phone ringing)
- Don't Die First.
Please state your emergency.
(screaming music)
(door creaking)
(intense music)
(phone ringing)
(intense music)
(creepy giggling)
(intense music)
Okay sir, the manual is clearly telling me
that all you need to do
in order to live is not say that word three times.
- [Caller 1] What word?
- What do you mean?
What word?
The word- - [Caller 1] Ronald Reagan?
- Now you just said it.
Just don't say it two more times.
- [Caller 1] And that word is Ronald Reagan?
- Sir.
- [Caller 1] I'm just saying, what the hell happens-
- That word- - [Caller 1] If I say-
- Don't- - [Caller 1] Ronald Reagan
again.
- [Caller 1] What the?
- Sir? (Caller 1 screaming)
(snack crunching)
- You welcome, sir.
And if you run into any more genetically enhanced,
super genius, super sharks.
You know what to do.
- Miss respectfully,
out of all the white sororities you could have chosen.
Why did you have to pick the one that wanted to
impregnate you with the antichrist?
Don't Die First.
Please state your emer- - [Caller 2] She's floating.
- Got it.
A white ghost.
- [Caller 2] And it called me the n-word.
- A racist white ghost.
Wow.
- Ma'am I understand
but that zombie is gonna take a bite out your ass
if you don't put it down.
I know it's your son.
(intense music)
(heavy breathing)
- Don't Die First?
(heavy breathing)
I have an emergency.
(heavy breathing)
Help.
- Whatever you do.
Don't fuck the ghost.
(intense music)
(phone rattling)
- One time, I got this caller trapped
in an abandoned asylum.
They thought it was haunted
by some lady floating around or something.
(laughs)
It was just a crack head.
(laughing)
- Is there anything in the manual for that?
- No, it's a crack head.
You either give 'em some crack or you run away.
(intense music)
(lips flapping)
- You know, you would think in this post Jordan Peele world,
we would be in a place where black people
didn't have to be worried about dying first all the time.
- Mm.
You think we realize that the way not to die first
is to not let your white friends talk you into this shit
in the first place.
- Mm.
That part right there.
- Mm.
(mugs clinking)
(ominous music)
(phone ringing)
(phone clicking)
- Don't Die First.
Please state your emergency.
Is she like an apparition warning you?
Or-
(chair creaking)
Oh
Okay.
(paper flipping)
Hey, Monica.
I need your help.
- Just use the manual.
Everything should be in there.
- I don't think this is in there.
(snack crunching)
- It's probably some pretentious artsy whore thing.
Just transfer 'em over.
And make sure you listen in.
You can learn something.
(phone clicking)
This is Monica.
Please state your emergency.
- Hello?
- [White Woman] I'm going to call the cops-
- Hello?
- [White Woman] Right now if you don't move.
- Yeah, I think I need some help.
I just asked this white woman to move her car
so that I could put my car in the space.
And now she's just harassing me.
- Okay. Sounds aggressive.
It could be a werewolf.
We haven't had one of those yet tonight?
- No, - [White Woman] Hello?
- It's just a white lady.
- [White Woman] There's a man harassing me (mumbling).
- I think- (White Woman mumbling)
I think she just call the police.
(intense music)
- Oh
(clock ticking)
- What do we do?
(clock ticking)
- [Alex] Hello?
- Give me the manual.
Okay sir.
(police sirens wailing)
- They come'n.
Can y'all please just tell me what to do.
(papers flipping)
- Okay.
Okay, sir.
What's your name?
- Alex? My name is Alex.
- Alex. Okay.
I need you to keep your hands on the wheel.
- Don't get outta the car.
- Right? No sudden movements.
- Does he have any weapons in the car?
- No.
- Drugs? You smoke anything?
- No, I don't smoke, man.
- Has he ever been arrested in his life, ever?
- There was this one time in college. I'm-
(thud on car)
Shit.
(clock ticking and suspenseful music)
Am I going to die?
- No.
(clock ticking)
- Don't resist.
(police officer mumbling)
- [Alex] Just tell me what to do.
- [Police Officer] Call for backup.
- Alex?
- [Police Officer] Step out of the vehicle sir.
- (mumbling) I'm scared.
- Be brave.
- [Police Officer] No sudden movements.
- [Alex] Please don't. I didn't do anything wrong.
- [Police Officer] Stop resisting.
- [Alex] Leave me alone.
(end of call tone)
(chairs squeaking)
- Craig.
I-
(both phones ringing)
(intense music)