-Guys, it is the end of the week.
And that's usually when I catch up with some personal stuff.
You know, I check my in-box or return some e-mails,
and, of course, send out "thank you" notes.
-Whoo!
-Well, I was running a bit behind,
so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd like to write out my weekly "thank you" notes right now.
Is that... [ Cheers and applause ]
James -- James, can I get
some "thank you note" writing music, please?
♪♪
-[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
-Alright. You moved a little bit.
[ Laughter ] A little bit of movement there.
♪♪
Thank you, candy corn, for looking like
a 5-year-old's finger painting of Donald Trump.
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, apple picking, for giving couples
who are tired of getting into fights at Ikea
an outdoor alternative.
[ Light laughter ]
I'm going to put them in the envelope later.
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, wow, you're really just phoning it in today, huh?
[ Laughter ]
There's no gloss.
-No, it's not -- no, there is no --
there's never going to be gloss. -Okay.
So how come you're not putting them in the envelope now?
Because it's the Apocalypse?
-No. I'm not doing it because I figured --
well, it just takes a little extra beat of time.
I'll -- I'll -- I'll lick the envelopes on the next two.
-Dude, after like 17 years
of, like, you know, "Thank You Notes"
where you put it in the envelope,
now, okay, we don't even --
we can't even look forward to that on a Friday.
Great.
[ Laughter ]
-Tariq, not everything can be as glossy as your shoes.
[ Laughter ]
-Yo!
That's it.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
I saw you searching and searching and searching.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
You got me. You got me. Okay.
-Alright. Alright. Here we go.
♪♪
Alright, come on, James.
Alright, here we go.
♪♪
Thank you, Dunkin's new Spicy Ghost Pepper Donut
for explaining their new slogan,
"American gets runs on Dunkin'."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
I did it for you.
That's for you.
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, pumpkin carving, for teaching kids
that Halloween isn't just about taking candy from strangers --
it's also about playing with knives.
[ Light laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, leaves turning red, or as trees put it,
"OMG, this is so embarrassing."
[ Laughter ]
-Oho!
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
Ah. America gets runs.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, removing the A.C. window unit
at the end of summer, for being the only chore
that leads to a possible manslaughter charge
if I do it wrong.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
"Pack everything up. We're moving."
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
♪♪
Thank you, hot stone massages,
for the calming sensation of being branded.
[ Laughter and applause ] There you have it.
Those are my "Thank You Notes," everybody.