There was a battle that decided the victor of the American Revolutionary War
A battle that would have been lost if there hadn’t been a young Polish engineer
There was an uprising in Poland, the only one to be named after its leader
An uprising whose success would prolong or destroy Poland as a sovereign country
There was a man. Tadeusz Kosciuszko, a Polish engineer
The deciding factor in the battle of Saratoga and the leader of the Kosciuszko Uprising
Now, before we continue...
I think we can all agree that Tadeusz Kosciuszko is a lot more difficult to say than Simo Hayha
Like, a lot...
Yes, I'm talking to you Caroline Heik.....?!
So, in order to avoid that, I'll give him a nickname!
From now on, let's call him Teddy K!
LL Cool K graduated at Military Academy in Warsaw and became a student instructor, ranked as a captain
A civil war broke out during this period, and one of Teddy’s brothers were involved in the rebellion
Since monarchists were kind of sugar daddies for his education, Teddy couldn't decide which side to pick
So he chose neither and went to Paris
He wanted to continue his military studies, but, not being French, he could only enroll
In the Royal Academy of Painting and Sculpture
So, Teddy spent six years in Paris trying to understand why in God's name people would put oil on canvas
And sneaking off to a library to read up on the geeky and boring parts of military strategy
Once he returned to Poland, there were no vacant places in the army
So Lil K had to work as a private tutor to a daughter of the province governor
I suppose that the pupil wasn’t the brightest star in the sky and that Teddy knew how to treat a bad student
Only from those movies you don’t watch as much if you have a girlfriend
Or, he could have just fallen in love...
Either way, the governor wasn’t happy with Teddy, so he turned into a ten-arm monster and beat up Teddy
Well, he didn’t really, he had his guards beat Teddy up
Anyhow, Teddy wasn’t going to let this slip so easily! He came to the governor when he was least expecting
Told him that he was a big meanie, and fled to Paris
In Paris, Eazy-K found out that, on another continent, there was a bunch of British guys with weird accents
Fighting against a bunch of British guys with much weirder accents
The first ones had their hearts set upon their own country
And they were ready to put their lives on the line in the name of freedom
And slavery of their own...
Finding similarities in the Revolutionary War with Poland’s struggle against Russians
Teddy sailed and joined the American army as a volunteer
The Americans were on the run from the incoming British
And they needed a way to buy time before they could face the enemy
Teddy knew a lot about geeky military stuff, so the Major General Horatio Gates ordered him to delay the British
Teddy achieved this by damming streams and destroying bridges
The Americans had enough time to go to Saratoga and Teddy had enough time
To prepare and lay down defenses with his team of engineers
They won this battle thanks to Teddy’s ingenuity. Or, as the Major General Gates put it, quote:
So, yeah, you know, screw Teddy, let’s give a round of applause to a bunch of trees
Teddy stuck around until the end of the war, participating in different battles with different outcomes
Blah, blah, blah, you all know who won this war
In 1784, Ice-K returned to Poland
There, he became second-in-command to the prince and was one of the most influential figures in the army
A new constitution of Poland was a reason for Russia to invade
Although Teddy didn’t feel Poland were the losing side, and, to be fair, he won all of his battles
The Polish king asked for a ceasefire
Russia and Prussia took two thirds of Polish territories in what is known as the Second Partition of Poland
Fleeing from Russians, Teddy went to Leipzig where he grouped up with other influential Poles at the time
They decided to start an uprising and Teddy became its leader. The Kosciusko Uprising lasted for 8 months
And was pretty much like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch and kill the Road Runner with his bare hands
Except the Road Runner was like a hundred times bigger and stronger and was greatly armed
With literally no other option available, the uprising failed and led to the Third Partition of Poland
Which ended the existence of a sovereign Polish state for the next 123 years
Teddy was imprisoned by the Russians, but the new Tsar pardoned Teddy and he went to the U.S.
There, being ill with jaundice and battle wounds, Teddy received letters
About the Polish fighting in the Napoleon army, including his nephews
Once Teddy found out Napoleon wasn’t interested in restoring Poland
Teddy didn’t want to take part in the French army. So, instead, he went to Switzerland
Before leaving the U.S., Teddy left a will, wanting all of his American estate
To be sold in order to buy the freedom of black slaves
A will that was never carried out
In 1817, aged 71, Tadeusz Kosciuszko fell off a horse, suffered a stroke
And died in the town of Solothurn, Switzerland