-Welcome back! We have such a great show for you tonight.
And you know what? Before we go, I'm just --
I'm a little hungry. If you don't mind,
I just want to grab something from the "Tonight Show" freezer
real quick. It'll take a second.
It just -- I'm so sorry about this. I'm sorry.
Thank you guys so much. I appreciate it.
♪♪
-♪ Freezer Secrets ♪
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ] -Oh! No, no!
No, no, no! I'm -- Help, help! I'm --
Help, I'm stuck in the freezer! I'm stuck in the freezer.
Oh, gosh, I --
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It's no use.
-Fred Armisen? What are you doing in here?
-I thought this was the dressing room.
and I just left the window open.
-This is awful. I knew it was a mistake
buying a soundproof freezer.
[ Laughter ]
I knew -- I knew it. We're doomed.
-Well, since this is the end, I guess I have a few secrets
I need to get off my chest.
-Same.
-All right.
You know that new Harry Styles song, "Watermelon Sugar?"
-Of course. Yeah, I listen to it every day. It's new.
-Well, it took me... [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
Brand new. It took me an embarrassing amount of time
to realize that the song is actually a double entendre.
-Right, right, right. And --
-It's about diabetes.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-One time I saw Yoplait yogurt
in the fridge with my coworker Bethany's name on it.
I took it anyway and ate it.
-Oh, yeah. I did something similar once.
-Really? -Yeah.
I caused the 2008 financial crisis.
[ Laughter ]
-That's not similar at all. I mean, that --
And how did you do that?
-I don't know. I had a day off and I was bored.
-In the '90, I had a bitter feud with the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
-I get it, but why?
-We auditioned for the same part.
We are the final two in the running
to be Taco Bell's new spokeschihuahua.
He beat me out because I was six feet tall and a human.
-Have you talked to him since? -Nah, nah, nah.
Once he had that gordita money, he became a real monster.
-I have one.
I used to work as a part-time exorcist,
but I got fired because I was too polite
with the demonic entities.
I'd say the power of Christ
would prefer you get out of here.
The power of Christ is going to count to three.
One, two, two and a half...
-Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've lied about my age, my whole career.
I'm actually 96.
You know those prosthetics that Johnny Knoxville wears
in "Bad Grandpa?" -Oh, yeah.
Amazing prosthetics. -Yeah, well,
he let me borrow them,
and I wear them inside out to make me look younger.
-I have a secret family.
-Fred, you're not married.
I think you need to be married with kids in order
to have a second family that's a secret.
-Oh, okay. In that case,
I just have a regular family that I don't like.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
-You know how I have that side job as a valet in Vatican City?
-Of course, everyone knows that about you.
-Yeah, but, well, sometimes -- sometimes at night, I --
I take the Popemobile.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Sometimes -- Sometimes at night. -Yeah.
I... [ Laughs ]
I-I take the Popemobile out -- [ Laughs ]
I take the Popemobile out for a joyride.
-No, that's --
That's fine. Live a little.
-Yeah. Yeah. Well, well, well.
The Pope has a limited edition
"Minions: The Rise of Gru" Big Gulp cup
and I drank out of it.
-I never graduated from high school.
-Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of.
-Because I accidentally killed my principal.
-W-What? -As he was handing me
my diploma, I threw my cap up in the air too early,
and one of those sharp points hit him right this angle,
and it sliced him completely in half.
-Oh, my God. How is that possible?
-My hat was made of metal.
It was my final project for shop class.
I got a "B."
-You know, M&M's old slogan,
"Melts in your mouth, not in your hands?"
-Yeah? -I have a rare medical condition
where M&Ms melt in my hands and not in my mouth.
-I don't actually need to wear glasses.
I only wear them so people think I'm cool.
-I'm in the same boat. I actually don't have eyeballs.
I stole these from a Build-A-Bear workshop.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. I guess I never noticed. You have such beady, dead eyes.
-Thank you.
I mean, I shouldn't thank you. I should thank Build-A-Bear.
-I can't keep this to myself anymore.
I'm having a non-sexual, non-romantic affair
with my dentist, Dr. Jimenez.
He just cleans my teeth,
I exchange insurance info with the front desk person,
and then I leave.
-I don't think that's an affair. -Oh, yeah?
Then how do you explain the steamy voicemail he left me?
-Hi, Fred. This is Amanda calling
from Dr. Jimenez's office.
You have a tooth cleaning scheduled
for June 20th at 9 a.m..
-Wow, he is in love with you,
-Fred? Jimmy?
-What? Higgins!
We're saved!
-What are you guys doing in the men's room?
-This isn't the men's room. It's a freezer.
-Oh, nobody told me that. Don't look in that corner.
[ Both shouting indistinctly ]
-Those aren't Baby Ruth bars.
-This has been Freezer Secrets.
Stick around for more "Tonight Show" after the break.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪