- We are going to talk about
how to change your tone of voice.
It's really challenging
but we're going to give you some starting steps.
So let's get into those details.
(dramatic music)
Hello again, Alex Lyon here.
This channel is all about helping you
communicate more effectively,
especially if you are an emerging leader.
I made a video a while back
about tone of voice and all that it included,
and that video is about your emotions
and the attitude you give off when you're talking.
So this video is not about, let's say,
how to take a high pitch voice
and speak in a lower pitch voice.
I think we're talking about something
much more important than that.
And that it's how you come across through your tone,
and the related non-verbals that you give off,
like your attitude, your facial expression,
the emotions that you give off to the people around you.
It could be, for example, that if you are
speaking in a fast pace,
with really short clipped sentences,
that people would hear that as part of your tone.
So we're going to talk about
that type of tone of voice.
And many of the comments in that first video
asked questions, for example, like
people tell me I have a bad tone
and I don't know what that means
and what should I do about that?
Well, here's the good news and the bad news.
Let's start with the bad news.
First, nobody can really solve your problem
with some really quick trick,
some quick fix on a video like this.
Tone of voice doesn't work that way.
It's like trying to change your accent.
It takes time to change.
But the good news is that
it is possible to change your tone.
And there are two main routes,
or I think of them as train tracks, to your tone.
Two main pathways to eventually change your tone.
And the first route or train track is your mindset.
That's your inner world.
Your mindset drives your behavior or your tone.
So the way you regularly think and feel
comes out in your tone,
and the other non-verbals that go along with it.
But most of us are not really aware
of our mindset in the first place.
It might not seem to you, for example,
that you are especially frustrated, annoyed or anxious.
You might have a certain level of frustration,
for example, that's just normal to you.
But that inner world comes out enough
so your tone will be noticeable to others.
Most of us only notice,
let's say if we feel angry, for example,
if a specific situation really sets us off.
Most people don't realize they're depressed
unless somebody talks to them about it.
So it sounds weird but that's how we are.
I know a married couple, for example,
and the husband was pretty grumpy
and frustrated all of the time.
And after a couple of years of marriage,
his wife asked him,
"Honey, do you think you might have an anger problem?"
And he was so surprised, he was like, "What?
"I don't have an anger problem."
And he kind of said it with an angry tone even.
But his wife was patient.
And the more they talked about it,
the more he realized that he did have a mindset of anger.
A collection of opinions and attitudes and feelings
that came out as a consistent low level angry tone.
He just didn't realize it.
So the key is most of us are not aware
of our mindset, our mood,
unless something specific happens that really spikes it.
So if we're not really angry,
then we don't notice.
But sometimes our tone can come out
at those low levels on a daily basis
and we don't realize that we're coming across that way.
So the question is, as a starting place,
what is your mindset about life?
Are you generally annoyed or frustrated or angry?
What's your general outlook about the world?
So right now, I want you to fill in the blanks
to these two questions, these two statements.
Most of the people around me are, blank.
That's the first one.
And the second statement is this,
basically the world is, blank.
So fill in those blanks,
and give yourself a minute to work on those two statements.
That will give you a starting point for your mindset.
And that may reveal why your tone
is coming out a certain way.
So the second driving force behind tone is bad habits.
And we pick these up from maybe our parents
and the people that we hang around with.
Have you ever practically heard, for example,
your mother's voice or your father's voice
coming out of your mouth?
Like, whoa!
I just sounded exactly like my mom there,
or my dad there.
You picked up their communication habits.
And we do the same thing with the group of friends
or group of co-workers that we hang out with the most.
We imitate each other really.
And if your group of friends communicate
with let's say, lots of sarcasm,
then you'll start to do it too.
And the sarcasm will make sense to that group of friends,
and you might, again, not even notice it.
They might even like it somehow.
And you see this with kids.
Children would be hanging out
with their friends all day long
and talking with a certain tone to each other,
a certain sassy attitude maybe.
And then they come home
and they try to talk to their parents with that same tone.
But that tone doesn't fit
when they're talking to their parents.
And their parents will call them out on it
and say, "You better change that tone!"
Or your co-workers might not appreciate some attitude
that you bring into the workplace
that you picked up from other friends.
But it's just like mindset,
it's hard for us to notice our habits.
So here are the questions
I would like to you to ask as a start,
Who do you sound like?
Do you sound like one of your parents?
What do the people you grew up with
and hang around with sound like?
Maybe you've taken on their tone out of habit.
So consider that.
And really, mindset and habits are connected.
They're two, again, train tracks
that are pushing in the same direction.
And your wheels will fit right into them.
And that's why tone can be so difficult to change.
But let's try.
So here are three steps that you can take
to begin to change your tone.
The first step is to start with your mindset.
Become an expert on your own mindset.
About your inner world.
What makes you tick?
Investigate it.
What are the situations that you are in
when you are communicating with the wrong tone?
And figure out what are your thoughts and feelings
in those specific situations?
You have to try your best
to essentially pause the moment,
like you're pausing a video, and ask yourself,
what's going on with my thoughts and feelings
in this moment, this specific situation?
And if you're coming across as frustrated,
ask yourself, am I frustrated?
What's bothering me?
What's your outlook look like?
Put some words and thoughts,
words to those thoughts and those feelings,
and write them down, journal them,
and examine them to figure out what those things are.
The second place to start is examining your habits.
If, for example, you come across as too intense,
too edgy, who else in your family or group of friends
might be intense like that?
Where did you learn that habit?
It's quite possible you learned it from someone around you.
And the third step to this is
do your best to develop a new mindset and new habits.
Now, I like to say this is easy, but it's not.
Real change takes time.
It's like, again, changing an accent when you speak.
But your goal should ultimately be
to replace your old mindset with a new one,
a more positive one,
and start working on new habits.
Practice communicating with more of a positive tone,
and a positive mindset, for example.
I recommend you literally listen to how you sound.
Maybe record yourself on video even,
to speed up that learning process and that change,
to adopt that new mindset and that new habit.
Now obviously, I don't know
what your specific tone issues are.
But these ideas, I hope, are a starting place
so that you can make a plan to move forward.
I hope this video was helpful.
I'll link to the first video on Tone of Voice
in the description below this one.
So thanks, God bless,
and I will see you next time.