A strange thing happened with the release of Konami’s classic X-Men arcade game to
XBLA and PSN.
My immediate reaction to the massive quarter-slurping adventure was, and I quote, “Wonder if this
means we’ll actually see that Simpsons arcade game again.”
Lo and behold, the prophecy has been fulfilled: this is the same absurd beat-’em-up that
stole your allowance back in ‘91.
This interpretation was actually the first-ever Simpsons video game, predating Bart Vs. the
Space Mutants by a couple months.
More uniquely, though, it’s the only Simpsons game to be developed outside the US, by a
Konami team that simply repurposed their already-famous Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles engine.
Clever, clever.
The Second First Family of Primetime Animation are taking a stroll for whatever reason, when
Smithers busts out of a jewelry store, presumably to steal even more wealth for Mr. Burns.
Which seems to make no sense, but when’s that ever stopped a good jewel heist?
Unfortunately, during the fracas a massive diamond gets switched for little Maggie’s
pacifier, leading Smithers to simply abscond with the entire child!
That knave!
Fortunately, you’ve got no qualms about going all Itchy and Scratchy on their asses,
or the asses of any suits, cronies, or... um.
Bears.
There’s a freaking BEAR.
And some dudes wielding...
cabers?
Not sabers, cabers.
And... then we go to Magicant.
I thought Bart’s Nightmare wasn’t released ‘till ‘92?
And what are we doing in...
Japan?
Ninja?
In my Simpsons arcade brawler?
Despite the western source material, this is very much a classic, Japanese-style beat
‘em up.
You walk to the right, and you HIT THINGS.
With fists, vacuum cleaners, jump ropes, skateboards, mallets, slingshots, mops, what have you.
And if that’s not enough, you can combine the forces of two family members to lay down
some serious damage.
It’s a crazy romp as it is, never mind the absurd level of depth to some of the references.
Don’t tell Sigourney Weaver, but there’s totally an Aliens machine in the background
of one stage.
There’s also a number of rabbits from Matt Groenig’s pre-Simpsons comic Life in Hell,
a full cast of background characters from Otto to Skinner to Nelson, and voice acting
from the actual cast!
‘Cuz that whole Mr. Sparkle plot line wouldn’t happen for another 6 years, anyway.
But, this being a more modern era, the game itself contorts to the will of the player.
Case in point: this download includes both the American and Japanese versions of the
arcade ROM, though the experience is much the same.
Also, the difficulty can be altered to taste and the starting level can be altered, though
the cool unlocks are only available if you beat the game clear through without stopping.
(Unfortunately, as the only way to show more than one character is to stop the game entirely
and restart it, you’ll just have to find that out for yourselves.)
Ask and ye shall receive, it would seem.
I dropped more than my fair share of quarters on this thing back in the day, but now it
can be yours for just ten bucks.
That’s one roll of quarters.
If you’re old enough to remember when arcades were a thing, and you want to put that word
back into “XBox Live Arcade,” I can’t recommend this thing enough.
And if this trend continues, I have only one thing to say to Konami: “I guess SunsetRiders
is next, eh?”