( APPLAUSE )
GIVE UP UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, RIGHT THERE,
MY FRIENDS. OH, LOUIS.
>> Stephen: OH, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: OH, LOUIS, OH, MY
FRIENDS. >> Louis: OH, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE LOVELY GUESTS COMING UP TONIGHT IN JUST
A MINUTE. GAYLE KING AND TONY DOKOUPIL
WILL BE OUT HERE FROM "CBS MORNINGS."
TODAY IS A YEAR, A YEAR SINCE "CS MORNINGS" STARTED.
AND AFTER THAT, JUST A WONDERFUL ACTRESS AND NOW AUTHOR BETTY
GILPIN. YOU MIGHT KNOW HER FROM "GLOW,"
AMAZING ACTRESS IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
( APPLAUSE )
HOW ARE YOU FEELING. >> Louis: I'M DOING ALL RIGHT,
MAN. HOW ABOUT YOU.
>> Stephen: I BIT THE HELL OUT OF MY TONGUE THIS AFTERNOON.
I BIT IT REALLY HARD. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER DONE
THAT, BUT I'M COMPLETELY AWARE OF THE RIGHT SIDE OF MY TONGUE.
>> Louis: AT ALL TIMES. >> Stephen: THE RIGHT SIDE OF
MY TONGUE FEELS THREE AND A HALF TIMES THE SIDE OF MY LEFT.
MY HEAD IS LISTING SLIGHTLY, WHEN I TRY TO IGNORE IT, I
BECOME COMPLETELY AWARE WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, YOUR MOUTH IS
COMPLETELY FULL OF TONGUE. DO IT RIGHT NOW.
>> Louis: YEAH, IT IS. >> Stephen: THAT'S A VERY
DURBING REALIZATION. THERE IS NO EMPTY SPACE IN YOUR
MOUTH WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. IT'S ALL TONGUE.
( LAUGHTER )
I THINK THAT'S TOO MUCH TONGUE. I DON'T NEED THAT MUCH TONGUE IN
MY MOUTH. AND I'VE NEVER SAID THAT BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER )
FINE. >> Louis: DID YOU GET THE
HONEY. >> Stephen: I DID, I DID, I
TRIED IT, YEAH. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME,
RIGHT OVER THERE, WANDERING ACROSS A CAUTERIZED
LANDSCAPE, PAST A BUZZARD'S GUN-BLACK EYES AND THE TENTATIVE
KNUCKLE OF A DUNE RISING TO INTERROGATE THE HORIZON,
FOOTFALLS EATEN BY THE WIND, LIKE A MAN WILLINGLY LOITERING
UNDER AN ACCUSING SUN THAT BURNS LIKE AN IGNORED TRUTH, QUIETLY
GRATEFUL FOR A BEAUTIFUL SKY TO DIE UNDER, SO I CAN PRESENT TO
YOU THE METICULOUSLY GRITTY, PULITZER-WINNING CORMAC McCARTHY
NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
FOLKS, I HUFF A WHIPPET AND DOWN A BOX OF CHILDREN'S CHEWABLE
CLARITIN, THEN SMASH A STOLEN AMBULANCE INTO A LOCAL LIBRARY
AND LET MY RACCOON WALK ACROSS THE COMPUTER KEYBOARDS UNTIL IT
CRANKS OUT THE FUGITIVE TRASH PANDA MANIFESTO OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT. MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO NEW
RESEARCH, "AT LEAST HALF OF AMERICAN WORKERS SAY THEY'RE
"QUIET QUITTING." QUIET QUITTING IS A TERM THAT
GAINED POPULARITY THIS YEAR ON TIKTOK THAT MEANS "MENTALLY
CHECKING OUT FROM A JOB," AND "DOING THE BARE MINIMUM AT
WORK." NOW, NORMALLY, I'D DO A JOKE
HERE, BUT... WHATEVER.
( APPLAUSE )
HERE? I HAVE TO KEEP GOING, OKAY.
MEANWHILE, "TWO AIR FRANCE PILOTS WERE SUSPENDED AFTER
FIGHTING IN THE COCKPIT," LITERALLY COMING TO
"FISTICUFFS." THAT'S AN IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT
I'D LIKE TO HEAR.
SPEAKEENG. YOU MAY FEEL TURBULENCE AS I
KEECK ZE CACA OUT OF MY CO-PILOTE, JEAN-PIERRE, WHO
THINKS EET IS OKAY TO TEXT SOMEONE'S GIRLFRIEND LESS ZAN
24 HOURS AFTER THEY BREAK UP, WITHOUT EVEN ZE COURTESY OF
PROPOSING A MENAGE A TROIS! EN GARDE, YOU DOG!"
( LAUGHTER )
TONGUE AGAIN. >> Louis: OH, NO!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, DESPITE NEARLY A HUNDRED REPORTED CASES
OF E. COLI AT WENDY'S ACROSS SIX STATES, THE "C.D.C. HAS GIVEN
THE OKAY TO GO TO WENDY'S." REALLY?
GUESS THAT EXPLAINS THE C.D.C.'S NEW SLOGAN: "WE'RE KIND OF BUSY
WITH COVID AND MONKEYPOX. JUST EAT WHATEVER, YOU ANIMALS."
( LAUGHTER )
INVESTIGATED, BUT SO FAR, THE E. COLI SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN
TRACED TO WENDY'S PRODUCTS THAT CONTAIN ROMAINE LETTUCE.
THAT'S WHY WHEN I GO TO WENDY'S I STICK TO THE SAFE, HEALTHY
ITEMS, LIKE THE BACONATOR.
YOU KNOW YOU SUCK WHEN YOU'RE MORE DANGEROUS THAN A FOOD THAT
IS A COMBINATION OF BACON AND THE TERMINATOR.
IT'S A SANDWICH THAT WAS SENT BACK IN TIME TO KILL YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, I WAS OFF THE AIR FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND DURING THAT
TIME, I MISSED ONE OR TWO THINGS, ONE OF WHICH WAS THE
SUDDEN STARDOM OF "CORN KID" TARIQ.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT, CORN KID TARIQ WENT VIRAL FOR
HIS INTERVIEW ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES CORN.
>> FOR ME, I REALLY LIKE CORN. I LOVE CORN.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THIS THING.
I CAN'T IMAGINE A MORE BEAUTIFUL THING.
>> DO YOU THINK EVERYONE SHOULD BE EATING CORN?
>> NO, NOT EVERYONE HAS TO LIKE IT TO BE THE BEST.
>> CAN YOU DESCRIBE CORN TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER TASTED IT
BEFORE? >> A BIG LUMP WITH KNOBS.
( LAUGHTER ).
AND I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THAT THERE'S AN UPDATE TO THIS STORY,
BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, SOUTH DAKOTA NAMED TARIQ ITS OFFICIAL
"CORNBASSADOR."
THAT'S LOVELY. BUT, COME ON.
CORNBASSADOR. LIEUTENANT KERNAL WAS RIGHT
THERE! A MAN IN A PUMPKIN BOAT PADDLED
DOWN THE MISSOURI RIVER IN AN ATTEMPT TO BEAT A RECORD.
THAT RECORD: MOST DROWNED MAN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH "CBS
MORNINGS'" GAYLE KING AND TONY DOKOUPIL, EVERYBODY.
♪ ♪ ♪