What's the best facial hair ever?
I'm Emeril Mulshine from Beale Air Force Base, California. Let's talk about that.
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It's Friday, that means it's another episode of Best Ever! Thank you to
everyone who's been voting and weighing in on Best Evers in the past!
Last week we asked you, "What's the best animal ever?"
- (drum roll) - (dramatically) We tabulated the votes in
the comments and took into account the video response arguments, and now...
- What's the voice? What's the voice? - This is a "I'm announcing a winner"
- voice. - It's exciting.
And now, the winner of Best Animal Ever, it is--
- ♪ (celebratory music) ♪ - Panda bears.
If the answer is anything that isn't panda bears, the answer is wrong.
- Panda bears. Panda bears it is. - But can a panda hold a laptop?
'Cause look at this panda bear. It's holding a laptop! Panda bears.
- Okay, all right, good. Panda wins. - Panda! Wow.
Now we want to ask the internet, you people listening and watching--
What's the best facial hair ever? And we could be even more clear. What's the best
- facial hair configuration? - Right, we're not talking about the best
facial hair on a particular person, we're talking about the best configuration which
could appear on a number of different people. We're gonna go through a list of
potential facial hair configurations you can vote for. It's by no means an
exhaustive list. Feel free to vote for whatever you want.
Now, basically, we're gonna give you guys out there options for what you could
do with your own facial hair. And women, some of you have the ability to grow
facial hair too. Good for you. So think about yourself when we talk about this.
If you're a female who cannot grow facial hair,
- Your opinion is valuable to men. - You are especially important
in this debate. I'm gonna start with the two broadest categories and we'll kinda go
through some options in those. You've got your beard and you've got your mustache.
Now, just as a point of clarification, we're not-- eyebrows aren't comin' into
this, right? Like, you shouldn't vote for unibrow. It is on the face.
- But I think it's nose and below. - We're makin' this up right now?
Well, ears and below. I don't think of eyebrows as facial hair. They are, and so
are eyelashes, but you can only do so much with them. You can either let 'em grow
into a unibrow, or you can prevent them from growing into a unibrow.
So vote for 'em if you want to, but I think you're gonna start with the broad
category of mustaches and beards and then go from there?
That was the plan, until you asked about eyebrows.
I just... I wanna make sure we're covering our bases.
The Beard. You can do lots of things with a beard. You can have the Short Beard,
- like a well groomed short beard. - Mmhmm.
You can have the Normal Beard. When I say "normal beard," I think about the guy
Al from Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, what was that show?
That's a Normal Beard, is that what you call it?
Yeah it's kinda thick, it's trimmed... you know what I'm talking about.
But a Short Beard is more like a Billy Mays?
No, no. Short Beard is like George Clooney. George Clooney when he grows out a beard
he's got kind of a Short Beard. Home Improvement's the show I'm thinkin' about.
Then you've got an even shorter beard, kinda what you do a lot of times.
Five o'clock Shadow. I think I would classify that as a "beard type."
- Okay. - Not now, not what you've got going on
now, but if you waited like three days you would have Five o'clock Shadow Beard.
- Three-day Beard. - Okay.
Then you've got what's come into fashion, like the Mountain Man slash Hipster.
You know, Albert Einstein once said, "A mountain man is indistinguishable from
- a hipster when seen from the neck up." - He said that but no one knew it.
- That's like a big unkempt beard. - So that's like, it could be backwoods.
- Okay. - Then you've got people doing all kinds
of crazy things with their beards, like Sculpted Beards.
- Right. - Sculpting them into windmills and
starfish and triple-layer beards and stuff that they do at the World Beard and
Mustache Championships, which I'm gonna enter one day.
So what do you have? You just have, like, Boring Beard?
- I think I have Normal Beard. - It's kinda normal. For a long time,
you didn't have a mustache. Well, you had a Chin Strap, which I guess should
- also be on the list. - Yeah, like Amish Beard.
You had this Chin Strap here, but then you changed it into a beard, but you still
didn't have a mustache, right? For the longest time.
I didn't know I could grow a mustache until I tried, which is-- I encourage you
out there, that if you don't know if you can grow a mustache, try it and see what
happens. I thought, "Oh, it'll never connect! It'll never connect because
it didn't connect when I was 22!" And then I waited until I was older
- and it connected! - Really. I think that brings us right to
the Patchy Beard. Which, you can call it the "Apache" but that doesn't sound
politically correct and it's not what I'm saying. I'm saying "patchy."
You mean, like, when Brad Pitt grows out a beard.
- Yeah, or like Keanu Reeves or something. - Okay, so there's a lot of different
things you can do with a beard. I don't know if we're gonna let people vote for
- specific beards or beards in general. - Let's go with more specific.
Okay. Specific beards. Then you've got your Moo-stache. Otherwise known as Mustache.
Which can be spelled with an O or without an O.
And you've got what I would call the Standard Mustache. I think that's like a
Tom Selleck Magnum mustache, you know? It's there, it's not going away, you
definitely know he has a mustache, but it's not trying to do anything other than
- be there. - When you say "Magnum," you are referring
to the Tom Selleck character and not the prophylactic.
Yes, I am. You also have the Horseshoe Mustache.
Horseshoe... okay. Horseshoe Mustache. I had one of these, but I thought it was a
Fu Manchu. I got called out by the American Mustache Institute, no doubt.
I sent 'em an email saying-- this is a few years ago-- "I've got a Fu Manchu
and people in the comments are hatin' on me. Can you support me in this?"
- Ooh. - And they wrote back and said, "Of course
we can support you, but you actually have a Horseshoe Mustache."
- I stood corrected. - Because a Horseshoe Mustache has hair
actually growing out in a horseshoe pattern.
The hair goes down from a Tom Selleck down the sides so it makes an upside-down
- goalpost. - Which brings us to the next type of
mustache, the Fu Manchu, which is when it separates and goes down like--
- Don't-- don't touch my lip. - like Yosemite Sam. Or better yet,
- people from Kung Fu movies. - Yeah, it's a mustache that the ends get
so long that they could be pointed in any direction. But when you take 'em down--
- They exit the face. - They point down.
The mustache exits the face and leaves the face.
- Because the hairs are really long. - But do you know that there is a dude--
I saw this on the internet. We can put up a picture. There's a guy who did the
Fu Manchu-- he did the Horseshoe Mustache but he kept going down his face. He went
down his face, down his neck, all the way down his chest hair and then went around
- his nipples. - Oh gosh.
I call that the Extended Mustache. I don't think that one's gonna win.
I hope we haven't been showing that picture.
(laughs) We probably have, if we found it. You've got the Handlebar Mustache, which
- you can grab onto. - It's like... controlling women are fans
- of the Handlebar Mustache. - That's how you get your man in line.
You make him grow a Handlebar Mustache and then you pull him around by it.
If not, you put one of those nose rings in the center part of their nose and you
- pull him around by that. - You got the Pencil Mustache, which is
as if somebody took a pencil and-- I'm using your face as a reference a lot
- because I can't see my own face. - And I'm uncomfortable.
I won't actually make contact with your face, but if I had a pencil, I would draw
a little mustache right above your lip. It's a Pencil Mustache.
Which, incidentally, you-- a couple of months ago, you came into the office--
- Yeah. - and I noticed that you had shaved the
top half of your mustache, and I was like, uh, what're you trying to be, like
a French artist? Like a French street painter, like,
(bad French accent) "Let me do your portrait."
I find myself often wanting to go back to the mustache, so I try different things.
It's like having a black line over your lip. Go ahead.
And then you've got Peach Fuzz. Maybe a lot of our viewers out there are just in
the Peach Fuzz stage. I don't recommend Peach Fuzz. Guys, listen. If you're in
eighth grade and you have a mustache, shave it. You don't have a mustache.
You have Peach Fuzz. The reason we call it Peach Fuzz is because, when you look at
a peach, it has little baby hairs on it that can barely be seen until you get
really close. Your face looks like a peach.
Nobody's ever shaved a peach, though. Keep going! I mean, I think they get the idea.
Any facial hair that has a fruit referenced in it is probably not a good
- idea to have on your face. - Then you've got your variations like
- the Soul Patch. - Soul Patch. When I think "soul patch"
- I think 90's electric guitarist. - Yes, so probably is not a good idea.
- Goatee. - Mm, Goatee. When I think "goatee,"
- I think 90's youth volunteer. - Okay, goatee.
- Like, oh, you work at the YMCA. - Yeah, I have a goatee. Of course I do.
Lambchops. These are like very large sideburns that come down all the way to
- your mouth, almost. - Three words: Martin Van Buren.
- ... two words? - Link thought we should put sideburns on
- the list because he has sideburns. - Yeah. I'm voting for sideburns.
I don't consider them... I think you have to get down onto the face before it
becomes facial hair. I consider that just sideburns. Like their own category.
But the space in front of my ears isn't considered my face?
Ah, I think you really need to cover more of the face to be considered facial hair,
but whatever! And then you've got a couple of-- well, actually one crazy variation of
facial hair, the Detachable Face, otherwise known as the Infinite Beard.
This is a chin strap where you shave all your hair except the chin strap and then
it continues over the top of your head and kind of crosses your head. That's...
- Stupid. - The ladies don't like that. Let me just
tell you right now. The ladies don't like that but it makes for a great picture on
the internet. Okay, we may have not listed your favorite facial hair, the best facial
hair ever, but we've given you something to think about. We want you to vote in the
comments. Just simply make a comment: The best facial hair ever is... blank!
Whatever you want it to be. We'll tabulate the results and next week we will tell you
what you considered the best facial hair ever. Let's spin the Wheel of Mythicality!
Make a video response with your argument. You could appear in next week's result
episode section. How are we ending this episode?
I'm going for the beard, by the way, because I have a beard. I have to defend
my own choices. Link interviews Rhett for a job. I think the way we want to do
this is, you were gonna interview me for a job...
(nasally voice) Okay, sir, thanks for coming in today. I read your resume and
it didn't look too promising, but what are you interested in here? We need someone to
close down a morning show. Are you qualified?
I've never really done it before, to be honest with you, but if I had to represent
myself with a color I would say it is red, because that's strong and memorable,
- and um, I... - I read your references and, ah,
no one answered. A matter of fact, the numbers seem to be disconnected.
Well, I believe that my... the results speak for themselves and, ah, I would just
like to take this opportunity to tell you that I'm really interested in this position.
- What do you-- do you have-- - If I gave you the job, which I'm
- probably not, what would you say-- - Do you have benefits?
What would you say to the loyal viewers of Good Mythical Morning, if I were to
hire you to be the closer? What would you say? Don't blow it!
Do you have a dental plan? Do you offer a dental plan?
- You're blowing it. - (sighs)
Thank you for watching this show, ah... it's very nice that we had you. We are
very happy that we will see you again, and we, um... do you have any other positions?
Not hired.
[Captioned by Caitrin: GMM Captioning Team]