- Alright, let's make this quick.
I hate camping, here's why:
(sound of doom)
First off, I love my free time,
so why would I want to spend a free night
laying on the ground,
getting tagged by mosquitos,
cold and shivering in a sleeping bag
like a child at a slumber party.
Oh, and not to mention, the next morning
when I wake up in a pool of my own sweat
because the sun decided it was
time for me to get up.
Look, I get it.
You wanna embrace nature,
live in the elements, whatever.
Okay, but if that's the case, why you
sleeping in something that's
so pathetically trying to be a house?
I mean, let's be honest,
a house is like waaay better.
I mean, it has air conditioning,
I can shower,
sleep in a nice comfy bed,
and when I wake up in the middle
of the night to take a pee,
I don't have to worry about dying,
which, by the way, any activity
where you're trying to not die
half the time you're doing it,
is not a good activity.
Which also brings me to my next point;
Bears.
And yes, I know that bears are historically
not that violent towards humans,
but here's the thing, bears don't know that.
If you come face to face with a bear,
are you really gonna put your life on the line
because you think a bear is educated on bear facts?
More than likely, I think you're gonna be--
Holy shit!
Camping is the only activity where you
could actually run into a bear.
That's a great selling point.
Why don't you spend a few extra bucks
on a place where you could run into
an eight foot killing machine?
Which reminds me, camping is also
expensive as hell, for no reason.
Look, I don't think I need to say much more.
If you like camping still, great. Do you.
Just know, that by loving camping,
you're kinda setting us back a couple centuries
from an evolutionary standpoint, and that's fine.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna take a nap,
in my bed,
in air conditioning.
Good day, sir.
(upbeat music)
(elevator music)
- [Woman 1] It's just so sad, what's happening over there.
- [Man] Oh yeah.
- Hmm.
- You don't know the half of it.
(elevator music)