-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
This is "The Tonight Show."
Well, guys, I want to say congrats
to the Kansas City Chiefs and Tampa Bay Buccaneers
on advancing to Super Bowl 55.
That is right.
Tom Brady is once again returning to the Super Bowl.
Man, between Tom Brady and Joe Biden,
what a month it's been for 78-year-old white guys.
Yep, Brady will be playing in his 10th Super Bowl.
How does he keep doing this?
I think he once got stuck making small talk at a Super Bowl party
and vowed, "I will never put myself in this position again."
It's like, "I'll just play in all of them.
If Brady keeps up this pace, I'm just worried
where he's gonna put the 11th Super Bowl ring
when he runs out of fingers.
[ Laughter ]
-Aw, no.
-His toe, the big toe, maybe?
-Oh. [ Laughs ]
-Meanwhile, the Chiefs are going
to their second Super Bowl in a row,
led by star quarterback Patrick Mahomes.
He's 25, he's the reigning Super Bowl MVP,
and he signed a deal for $500 million.
He might be the only guy on earth
Tom Brady would trade places with.
Of course, it's not just the quarterbacks facing off,
it's also the coaches.
The Chiefs are led by Andy Reid.
The Buccaneers are led by Bruce Arians.
Can we see them both?
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Looks like a before and before photo.
[ Laughter ]
Kind of strange that we've never seen them at the same time.
[ Laughter ]
The only thing we know for sure --
the winning coach will be red, white, and round.
[ Laughter ]
Right now, the Kool-Aid man is like, "I'm so torn. Oh, yeah!"
And this is cool, the Buccaneers will be the first team ever
to play a Super Bowl in their home stadium.
Apparently, the Bucs saw the entire world working from home
and thought, "Eh, why not us?"
One NBA team is allowing a limited number of fans
back into their arena this week,
and they've come up with a unique way
to keep people safe from the virus. Listen to this.
-The Miami Heat will use specially-trained dogs
to sniff fans for COVID.
If the dog sits, that signals
they may have detected the virus,
and fans will be asked to leave.
-Yeah, these dogs are super smart.
They can tell whether you have coronavirus, drugs,
or a counterfeit ticket from StubHub.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the Miami Heat will use COVID-sniffing dogs
to screen fans at games, which brings us to our new segment,
"Uhh...I Have Some Questions."
-♪ Uhh...I Have Some Questions ♪
-First up, since when are there dogs that can "sniff" COVID?
[ Laughter ]
Next up, if a dog "sniffs" COVID, won't it get COVID?
[ Laughter ]
Follow-up. Can dogs get COVID?
If they can,
and a common symptom of COVID is loss of smell,
how can you trust a dog to properly smell more COVID?
[ Laughter, applause ]
Also, are these the same dogs
that sniff for bombs at the airport,
or are they completely different dogs?
If they're the same dogs, are they getting paid overtime pay?
I just have so many questions.
-♪ I just have so many questions ♪
-Speaking of dogs, yesterday, President Biden's dogs,
Champ and Major, moved into the White House.
Yep, some dogs get to live in the White House,
while others have to sniff for COVID.
[ Laughter ]
Not only are Biden's dogs at the White House,
they're sleeping in the same dog house
that Dr. Fauci was in all of last year.
[ Laughter ]
The dogs are actually pretty busy.
They're now in charge of the Space Force.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Major hasn't even been there a full day,
and he's already passed an executive order
that allows you to lick yourself in public.
Unbelievable.
Some entertainment news. Yesterday, HBO Max released
the first look of the new "Godzilla vs. Kong" movie
that comes out in March.
It looks insane. Check out part of the trailer.
♪♪
-♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Come on, oh, here we go ♪
♪ Give it a hundred, never nothin' less, here we go ♪
-The only thing more fun than that movie
is imagining two guys in spandex suits
acting that out in front of a green screen.
[ Laughter ]
Godzilla and King Kong fight each other the whole movie,
but I'm told it's the make-up sex near the end
that got them the R rating.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cymbal playing ]
This is going viral.
A "Bridgerton" fan spotted a modern-day mistake
in one of the opening scenes.
Take a look at this.
Can you guys tell what's wrong?
Here it is. Yeah. The show is set in the 1800s,
but there's a yellow line that's only used on modern roads.
I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think it's that big of a deal.
-I do.
It pulls me out of the trance, man.
If you want me to watch your show,
then you can't be showing things that people didn't use
or have in that era.
[ Telephone rings ]
-Sorry, what is that?
Is someone's phone on?
-Yeah, sorry, man, I got to take this.
I've been on hold for like an hour.
Hello?
Netflix? -Oh, God. [ Laughs ]
-Yeah, cancel my subscription.
You know why!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh. Alright. Let's move on. Alright.
Listen to this. An inventor n Sweden has created something
to help keep motorcycle riders safe.
-Airbag jeans.
These pants have concealed airbags inside the legs.
And if riders fall, the airbags are triggered
and filled up with compressed air.
-Yeah, it's great until you hit a small bump
and suddenly turn into MC Hammer.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a volcanic rock was discovered in Brazil
that looks like Cookie Monster,
and it could be worth more than $10,000.
Check this out.
Yeah.
10 grand. Right now, people are at home
with blue paint and a Sharpie
like, "Yeah, this rock also looks like Cookie Monster."
[ Laughter, applause ]
Sorry, I'm just realizing how different our monologue is now.
Our last two stories were about
inflatable pants and Cookie Monster.