SCP-001-J "CODENAME Cimmerian-Kaktus Proposal" Object Class: Iyov
Item #: SCP-001-J
Object Class: Iyov
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-001-J is under no circumstances to be allowed access
to monetary gifts of any kind.
Staff must relinquish all currency on their person before engaging in any interaction
with SCP-001-J.
The containment of SCP-001-J does not appear at this time to be attainable by the Foundation.
However, due to SCP-001-J's apparent apprehension involving creditors, it may be possible to
effect containment through such entities.
More research is needed in this field.
Description: SCP-001-J is an omniscient, omnipotent, omnitemporal entity named Michael Kain, who
is the primary deity worshiped by a group of religious zealots calling themselves "The
Church of the Broke God".
SCP-001-J wields great and terrible cosmic power, while possessing a distinct and crippling
lack of adequate financial planning skills.
SCP-001-J requires a significant influx of cash money in order to pay, in his own words,
"the water bill, child support payments, bread, and some of those little hot dogs because
protein is a must if you're just barely making ends meet."
However, any amount of money given to SCP-001-J, by any individual and for any reason, will
somehow mysteriously disappear, despite SCP-001-J's insistence that it was not spent on booze,
cigarettes, and porno mags.
Discovery: SCP-001-J was discovered by O5-1 on a business trip to New York during an event
later described by SCP-001-J as "that time you totally contained me", where O5-1 stopped
SCP-001-J from stealing a bagel by shouting "hey, don't steal that bagel".
Ever since O5-1 offered to pay for SCP-001-J's bagel, and gave him a few bucks for a cab,
SCP-001-J has left no fewer than 17,000 voicemails on O5-1's phone, typically asking for money
or, in some cases, talking at length about unrelated events before eventually asking
for money.
Addendum 001-J.1: Recorded Voicemails
The following voicemails were received by O5-1's office between April 20th, 2017, and
May 1st, 2017.
Notably, both the Global Occult Coalition and the Serpent's Hand also confirmed that
SCP-001-J had called them asking for money during this time, while the Chaos Insurgency
reported that SCP-001-J had called them, but only burped into the phone for fifteen seconds
and hung up.
001-J.1
Hello.
You've reached the office of 05-1.
Please leave your name and your number and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
[Beep]
Heyyyyyy Adam, it's me, Mike.
Mike Kain?
You know, from that one time we met when you contained me?
Yeeeeeeeah I know that wasn't a super great look, but hey, look at me now, huh?
Got a whole congregation together and everything.
So that's great, say, while I'm here, I was going to ask you something.
See, I'm really trying to put things back on track.
Get life moving in a positive direction.
I want to get some stuff, you know, to keep up appearances, but I'm a little short on
scratch, you know?
I know you've probably got your own stuff going on, but if you could spare like, a short
term loan of like $200, that would be super.
And you know I'm good for it, absolutely good for it.
Anyway, just gimme a call back when you get a chance.
Thanks again, buddy.
001-J.2
Hello.
You've reached the office of 05-1.
Please leave your name and your number and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
[Beep]
Adam, my man, what's happening.
Haven't heard back from you yet, but uh, definitely still trying to string together a few pennies,
you know, pay off some… bills… get that sort of thing taken care of.
Really, $200 might be a stretch, right?
Because we really only met that one time, and I know this seems pretty forward and I
get that.
I do.
So I'm thinking, really, if I could come up with like, $100, that would really get me
settled.
One foot in front of the other, you know?
Tryin to make a change.
I know you get me.
Thanks again, my man.
001-J.3
Hello.
You've reached the office of 05-1.
Please leave your name and your number and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
[Beep]
Have you been talking to that GOC son of a bitch?
He doesn't know anything about me, Adam.
Nothing.
I don't even know his name.
Look, I know I probably sounded drunk the other night, and you know what?
Maybe I was.
But this whole thing is a process, right?
It's not gonna happen all at once, and I own that.
I definitely own that.
But look, I know I said that $100 would do it, but really I'm just trying to come up
with like, whatever I can.
I'm supposed to take my, uh… kids… yeah, my kids, supposed to take them to the… kid
museum.
And you can get in there for like twenty bucks, so if I could make that happen, me and you,
that would be perfect.
Twenty bucks, right?
That's nothing.
Anyway, hit me up bro.
001-J.4
Hello.
You've reached the office of 05-1.
Please leave your name and your number and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
[Beep]
Alright, fine, you know what?
I know that you've got me blocked or something, and I get that.
I don't blame you.
So I'm calling from my cousin Yabby's place, and he's a good dude, right?
But look, I've got some guys I need to get paid, you know, who I borrowed some money
from, and they're being pretty insistent about this whole thing, so at this point really
anything would be perfect.
Five bucks, even.
Whatever you've got laying around under your desk, you know, anything I can give these
guys.
So give me a ring there homie, that would be great.
001-J.5
Hello.
You've reached the office of 05-1.
Please leave your name and your number and I will get back to you as soon as I can.
[Beep]
Adam?
Adam, I know you're there.
Pick up the phone, Adam, come on.
It's your ole pal Mike, right?
Remember the good times we had that time?
I am seriously in a pinch here my man, and if you've got like, cans or scrap metal laying
around I could take off your hands, that would be fine.
Plastic bottles, even.
I've got a guy who will give me fifteen cents per pound of dryer lint, Adam, and I know
you guys do a lot of laundry.
Come on, man, you know I'm good for it.
I'm totally good for it.
But I'm serious about that dryer lint.
Hello?
Adam?
Hellooooo?