♪ (old-school video game music) ♪
- (host) Today, you'll be playing against each other
in a game called "Who's Your Daddy?"
(chuckling)
(joining in)
- What?
- Is it sexual in nature?
- (host) No. - No?
- I hope not. - Not even a little bit?
- Maybe you're beating each other up?
Like, "(aggressively) Who's your daddy?"
- Isn't it a baby trying to run away and the dad has to go pick it up?
- That's a PC game, right? - (host) Yeah!
- Yeah.
- I don't know that game. - I saw Dashie play it.
- (host) For this game, one of you guys plays
as a baby trying to kill itself with household items
and the other will play as a dad trying to keep the baby alive.
- Oh, okay, that sounds fun. - What the [bleep] is this shit?
- Suicidal baby!
- The baby that's-- is the baby just being a real baby
'cause most babies are actually trying to kill themselves
with all the stuff that they do.
I have saved my children many a time. - Then you have an advantage!
- (host) To begin, let's get one of you guys
on the computer on the other side of the room.
- All right! - All right.
- This is bizarre. - Let's do it.
- I haven't parented yet. - All my children are still alive,
so I think I've got the advantage.
- Let's do this. - Yes!
(laughing) ♪ (cheerful music) ♪
- Oh, we're going?
Where's my baby? This isn't a good start.
What kind of father am I?
- "Mom should be home by 4:00."
- (gasps) I'm in a crib.
- You're-- what? Where are you, little jerk?
- First of all is to find the fricking baby.
Where is it? - Are we started?
(gasps) Oh.
- This is totally like, uh, mom's out of the house,
dad's babysitting fail.
- Are you in the kitchen?
Oh gosh!
- (whispering) Oh yeah! - I need to watch out for you in here.
- Okay, so I gotta find the baby now.
- What would I do if I had a death wish?
- Ah, I found you!
- Oh, wait, are you're supposed to-- no!
- I don't know what I'm supposed to do with you.
- (chuckling) - I'm gonna take this ball.
- Oh-ho! Hey, that is the creepiest looking baby!
- (laughing) I can't see you! - Oh no, look at this.
Look at-- look at you.
I know you can't see you, but I see you.
Oh, and you're quick.
- Oh, there you are. You're a giant, dude.
- Yeah, dude, what the hell?
You look like you just came-- you're not even like a baby.
You're just like a fetus.
- Oh, how did this door get open? - Oh! (snickering)
- Hey! - Go, go.
Go baby! - Is there baby in here?
- Go! Throw yourself off those stairs.
- Go! He's not-- he's jumping?
Fall, fall, fall. - Oh gosh.
No, fall-- fall on your neck. Don't do that. Stop.
- I'm just gonna follow the baby, just to make sure you don't grab shit.
- You're a creepy little baby.
I can't believe I made you.
- Can I pick you up?
'Ey! 'Ey! - Oh!
- You leave that alone! - Can I put my fingers in the socket?
- Stick my finger in there. - (wheezy laughter)
- Nothing's happening though.
- Oh no! - Dude, this baby's creepy.
- What is this?
- Crap, there's a fork there. - How do I grab that?
There we go.
Is that a taser?
Oh, maybe I can stick this inside the light-- I mean the socket.
- Oh.
My baby-proofing-- oh my Lord!
Uh, there's nothing over here.
- I gotta get that away from him.
- Oh yes! - Oh, where is he going?
Oh, crap. I'm throwing stuff. (in game: gulping)
- Whoa, there's liquids? All right.
Empty soap, empty bleach. Let's get some bleach.
(snickering) - Get that shit out of here.
(in game: gulping)
- I drank bleach! - Oh, what?! You did not!
- Oh no! He's turning green. - Oh yeah!
Go! - No!
- I'm sick as a dog. (laughing) I'm green.
- Do I have an antidote? Do I have access to an antidote?
Can I bring her to a hospital?
- It's getting really slow. - How do I get him better?!
- No! Get-- go, no. - Okay, all right.
Open this. - I keep jumping instead of running.
Ooh, what's under there?
- Where you at, baby? - Now I know what a baby thinks.
Like, you're like, "What's under there? What's that?"
Like, "Ooh! That's interesting."
- I totally know what I'm doing now.
I'm feeding this baby some nice fruits. - No.
- Here you go! You're gonna get healthy again.
- I'm, like, green and purple. - No, no, no, no, no!
- I'm on an acid trip right now.
- My baby is turning into Hulk. (laughs)
- Can I just, like, hit my head?
- You little punk. Get over here.
- Like, I should still have a soft spot, right?
- (cracking up)
- I'm not sick anymore 'cause of apples.
Apparent, apples help bleach and Windex, or window cleaner.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. - I'm going back.
- No! No! (in game: gulping)
- I'm running into a dangerous room.
Where's some stuff? What can I get into?
- Look, we need to have a talk. - I need to find the toilet.
- We need to have a talk. - (chuckling)
- You can't be going around trying to kill yourself.
- (giggling) - You are very young.
You have a lot to live for. No, no, don't come up here.
- (laughing)
- I'm not sure what I did. - Eat some fruit.
- The flame, let's go back to the flame. - It won't let me...
- Can I--? Ah! Wait, who won?
Oh, I just died from poisoning. - How the hell--?!
I failed as a parent.
- Where's the first aid kit? There's gotta be a first aid kit.
- Haaaaaaa! - Aaaaaaah!
- (laughing) - Worst. Game. Ever!
I just ran around, trying to kill a baby.
- No.
You're staying in there.
No. - No grounding.
Oh! - No!
- (snickering)
- Can I put--? - Move, dad!
- Let's see something. - So rude.
Let me live my life.
- I'm gonna...
- Oh! - Oh, daddy wins!
I'm a better dad than I thought I'd be.
- (laughing)
- Why can't I take it from you? - What is that?
- (gasps) Did I take it?
(gasps) - Oh, okay.
- Ew, why do you jump like that? - Oh, this is awesome.
- Damn it!
- The fact that this baby-- how did you-- how did the daddy win?
- Oh, this baby is amazing. - Nope, gimme that.
- Guess what's on the wall over there?
- How do I grab--? - (snickering)
Oh yeah. - No! How do I get it out of his hand?
- You're boxing me out. - No, stop! Stop, baby.
- "Use baby key on power outlet." Yes!
- I can't grab it.
- How do I-- is he in my way? - Daddy wins, yes!
Woo-hoo! - How did he win?!
I was, like, green and... (growling). - Yes!
I feel like a dad.
I feel like I should just go grab a baby
and then teach it all the ways on how to keep it healthy.
- (host) All right, we're gonna let you play again,
but this time you'll switch roles. - Sweet.
Man, I just feel like a kid in a candy shop.
There's just so many ways to do it.
- Rematch!
- Now I'm the dad.
- Now I'm the baby. - Oh crud.
- How do I get out? - Okay, where are you, baby?
- Time to kill myself as a bab-- you know, this game is really [bleep] up.
- "Mom should be home by 4:00." That's funny.
- Now that I'm realizing what I'm saying.
- I'm gonna go up to where the baby should be.
Oh, ha ha ha!
- I'm going to head him off at the pass. I gotta find the bedroom first.
So that's locked.
Oh, wait. Is he right--? Come on, baby.
Oh! Whoa, that is creepy!
- Ooh, what's this?
Something with an outlet, so I figured it was good.
Maybe I could electrocute myself with it. - I found a lamp.
- I grabbed some pills, but how do I take them?
- We're going outside. - That's a good idea.
Is that possible?
- Ha! Psych!
- Argh, my god, that is weird. It's like something out of a horror movie.
- I don't know what I'm doing. - Oh my Lord!
Turbo speed!
- Oh, wait, baby!
♪ Nah nah nah nah nah neh neh ♪
I feel like I'm on Mission Impossible.
♪ (vocalizing Mission Impossible) ♪ - No! None of that.
- ♪ Where's the bleach cleaning products? ♪
(in game: gulping) ♪ Drink, drink ♪
♪ All, all of this, yeah ♪ - (laughing) Oh my god!
No! No, baby!
- Dad, I don't feel good. - No!
- Dad. - No, no.
- Dad, I don't feel good. Stand there, dad.
- Oh, I-- see, I just up and went to all these cleaners
and that's not good. - (snickering)
- Oh, I guess I should pick them up and put them somewhere else.
- (groaning) - I'm just trying to get away from the dad.
Trying in a timely manner of some sort.
(in game: gulping)
- Okay, all right. Okay, all right.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
(in game: munching) (devious laughter)
- Oh, you just ate a little paper.
- Oops, look at me.
I'm, like, put the can on floor from-- (in game: gulping)
Oh, he's doing my strategy. - Yeah, I got it.
- Aw, son of a-- - (snickering)
- Yeah, your health is depreciating.
- I've got eyes on the baby.
Oh no! (in game: glass shatters)
(laughter)
That's broken glass! - Shards!
- How'd he get that? - Let's go!
- No! - Baby rampage!
- I'm dying. - Are you?
- (sniggering) - What did you drink?
Oh, you are dying.
Go lock yourself in a closet. - (wheezy laughter)
- And think about what you've done!
- Dad, what's happening?
- Where are you, you little slippery...
You're grounded. That's it.
- Did he go in the kitchen? There he is.
What could it be in there? - Okay.
- What if I dropped the hammer on the baby by accident?
- Eat it all! (in game: munching)
- What is he eating? - Mine!
- No! - What is this?
What's in here? - There's two doors on this?!
I gotta grab an apple. - I'm glowing!
- What kind of-- (growling) he's dying!
- What's happening?! - Come here, baby.
- It's looking like he's dying. - He's tripping.
He's slowing succumbing to death.
Fine, have it your way. Here, fry if you want.
- Yeah, just do it. Just put me out of my misery, dad.
- (laughing) - 'Cause you failed as a parent.
- I'm killing you! - I'm already dead.
- He's already dead. I'm a bad parent, I know.
- Hey, guess what? (revving up) - No!
(breathless laughing)
I don't think babies go that fast in real life.
- He's like, "Let's play basketball, son."
- Oh gosh. - Come here, baby.
- I am, like, on acid.
- I've lost sight of the baby.
- What--? Can I eat this?
There we go. - Grab the orange.
"Can I eat this?" It's never a good sign!
- I'm just-- you know it's always a good day
as a baby when you can drink paint. - Oh no! Come on, baby.
Come on, baby. You need to-- no!
You need to eat the fruit, baby. - Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! That looks nice.
Don't give me food! - That's right.
- Stop!
- (fatherly voice) Son, I'm here to take care of you.
- (gasping) (cabinet swings open)
Oooh, hell yeah. Drink-- drank some soap.
- You're gonna win. Five percent left, you're good.
Six, five... (in game: munching)
Two... (in game: munching)
And you're dead. Baby wins.
- (gasps and squeals)
(laughing)
- No!
- Open the lid. - No, baby! No, baby!
- Hey! - (sighing)
- Can't you see that I want somewhere to live?
- No.
- Oh, I'm dead.
- I drank some chemicals and now the world--
ow, I just hit myself in the head.
- Ew! - (gasping) Good!
- That's the first time seeing this stupid baby.
Like, come here! - The world is so colorful now.
- It's not like having a baby. It's like having a dog 'cause it's fast.
- How dare you, sir! (both chuckle)
- I won! - How did you win?
- I just, like, stepped on it.
Time ran out, so default-- by default.
- This is nice.
Go-- hey, go ahead. It's Stewie Griffin.
Go-- go ahead. (snickering) (dryer shuts)
- Oh shit! - That's-- (laughing).
That's evil, man.
Oh, he's singed!
- (fatherly voice) That's not a good idea.
Driving a car at your age is never a good idea.
Oh, come on.
- (giggling) I'm suffocating myself. - What?! No!
(overlapping speech)
Where is he?! - Burning myself.
I will die a valiant death. - Where'd he go?
- Die, baby, die! - Is he in the cabinet?
- Am I dead? Yes!! - Gosh dang it.
- Yes! - What did he do?
- (laughing) I killed myself with the car.
I put it in gear and I just pressed the gas.
(laughing)
- It's the stupidest game I have ever seen.
- This is not far from real life if you don't know what you're doing.
If you don't know what you're doing and you're not baby-proofing,
that's exactly what they will do.
- I mean, it's a fun game, but let's not practice it in real life.
(laughing) But for games, it's great.
- Thanks for watching this episode of gaming on the React channel.
- Thumbs up for excellent parenting!
- Recommend a game for us to play next in the comments.
- Subscribe for more parenting tips.
- Bye, guys.
♪ (old-school video game music) ♪