FELLOW STUDENTS, PROUD PARENTS, ESTEEMED FACULTY, AND
RANDOM PEOPLE WHO JUST WATCH THESE THINGS ON YOUTUBE: HELLO
AND WELCOME. YOUNGER SIBLINGS, A BIRD IN THE
HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH. NOW, I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
THIS MEANS, BUT I THOUGHT YOU GUYS SHOULD START GETTING READY
TO RECEIVE UNEARNED, PATRONIZING ADVICE FROM US FROM THIS DAY
FORWARD. SOME OF YOU ARE PROBABLY LOOKING
UP AT THIS STAGE RIGHT NOW AND THINKING, "WHO IS THIS STONE COLD
HOTTIE AND HOW DOES SHE HAVE SUCH AMAZING HAIR?"
WELL, THAT'S MAYOR MICHELLE WU,
AND I HOPE SHE'LL ADDRESS
THIS IN HER REMARKS. WRITING THIS SPEECH WAS TOUGH
BECAUSE, LET'S FACE IT, THIS IS HARVARD-- A PLACE WHERE DREAMS
ARE NARROWED DOWN TO SLIGHTLY MORE LUCRATIVE DREAMS?
A PLACE THAT REMINDS US THAT, IN THIS COUNTRY, YOU CAN BE
ACCEPTEDNTO E WORLD'S MOST ILLUSTRIOUS ACADEMIC INSTITUTION
THROUGH THE SWEAT OF YOUR OWN BROW, JUST LIKE YOUR OLD MAN AND
HIS OLD MAN BEFORE HIM. [ Laughter ]
A PLACE THAT MEETS 100% OF FINANCIAL NEED FOR ALL STUDENTS.
THIS ONE HAS NO PUNCHLINE, IT'S JUST AN AMAZING THING.
THANKS, DADDY HARVARD. BUT YEAH, WRITING THIS SPEECH
WAS TOUGH, WHICH IS WHY I WROTE IT THE SAME WAY I WROTE ALL MY
ASSIGNMENTS AS A SENIOR: NOT HUNGOVER, NOT BURIED IN LAMONT
BASEMENT, AND NOT LATE LAST NIGHT BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 3:00
AND 7:00 A.M. MY DILIGENCE AND RIGOR OVER THE
COURSE OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS ARE MUCH LIKE THE MILLIONS
JEFFREY EPSTEIN DONATED TO HARVARD: THEY HAVE AGED VERY
WELL. BUT --
[APPLAUSE] IT'S THANKS TO NOT DOING
ANY OF THESE THINGS THAT I CAN CONFIDENTLY BEGIN BY SAYING:
CONGRATULATIONS, CLASS OF 2022. ALL OF US ARE HERE TODAY BECAUSE
THIS IS THE LOCATION THAT WAS CHOSEN.
[ Laughter ] SOME OF US ARE ALSO TECHNICALLY
HERE BECAUSE WE WERE DRIVEN BY THE RELENTLESS FEAR OF
DISAPPOINTING OUR PARENTS. AND I WILL NOW GIVE YOU GUYS A
FEW SECONDS TO SHARE AN AWKWARD LOOK FILLED WITH UNPROCESSED
RESENTMENT AND RELUCTANT GRATITUDE.
TODAY IS ALL ABOUT US: THE CLASS OF 2022.
A CLASS KNOWN BY MANY AS THE "GREATEST CLASS BY FAR".
THE HARVARD OF CLASSES, IF YOU WILL.
OR, IN THE WORDS OF DAVID MALAN, THE DAVID MALAN OF CLASSES.
[ Laughter ] WE'RE A PRETTY UNIQUE CLASS.
FOR ONE THING, COLLEGE WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE PANDEMIC,
WHICH MEANS THAT WE'RE A HYBRID GROUP.
I, FOR INSTANCE, WAS INITIALLY IN THE CLASS OF 2021, AND IT'S
TOO LATE TO KICK ME OFF THIS STAGE.
THE PANDEMIC PRESENTED US WITH SINGULAR CHALLENGES, NOT ONLY
WHEN WE WERE STUDYING ONLINE BUT ALSO WHEN WE CAME BACK.
OUR SOCIAL INEPTITUDE COULD NO LONGER BE GUISED AS "THE NEW
NORMAL" AND DECIDEDLY REVERTED TO BEING "THE USUAL WEIRD."
WE COULD NO LONGER MUTE SECTION KID, THOUGH IF SECTION KID WAS
US, THIS WAS A SENSATIONAL DEVELOPMENT.
AND, WORST OF ALL, WE HAD TO HEAR ABOUT EVERYBODY'S GAP
YEARS, INCLUDING THE PEOPLE WHO, LIKE, REALLY FOUND THEMSELVES IN
INDIA, BRO, AND UNFORTUNATELY CAME BACK TO TELL US ABOUT IT.
STILL, WE MADE IT. TOMORROW, WE GRADUATE FROM
HARVARD. FOUR YEARS AGO... ISH, WE
FINALLY ARRIVED ON THIS BEAUTIFUL CAMPUS, EXCITED AND A
LITTLE NERVOUS. WE'D WRITTEN OUR APPLICATION
ESSAYS ABOUT OUR PLANS TO PURSUE LIVES OF SERVICE AND SAVED SOME
TURTLES, AND THOSE OF US WHO JUST WANTED TO MAKE BANK HAD
WRITTEN ABOUT OUR PLANS TO PURSUE LIVES OF SERVICE AND SAVE
SOME TURTLES. WE'D WRITTEN ABOUT THE STRUGGLES
WE'D FACED AND THE SACRIFICES OUR FAMILIES HAD MADE IN THE
HOPES OF ONE DAY SENDING US TO AN INSTITUTION LIKE THIS ONE.
AND THOSE OF US WITH NEITHER STRUGGLES NOR SACRIFICES HAD
WRITTEN ABOUT OUR GREAT-GREAT AUNT HELEN, WHO CROSSED THE
MEDITERRANEAN ONE-LEGGED IN THE LATE 1800s IN A BRAVE DEFIANCE
OF LEPROSY THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY RELATED TO OUR INVOLVEMENT IN
THE HIGH SCHOOL'S SWIM TEAM. [ Laughter ]
BUT, SOMEHOW, HARVARD SAW SOMETHING IN EACH OF US.
IF THERE ARE TWO WORDS THAT COULD SUM UP THE FOUR YEARS THAT
ENSUED, THEY WOULD BE "TRANSFORMATIVE EXPERIENCE," A
SENTENCE DEAN KHURANA BRIBED ME TO SAY EARLIER TODAY.
BUT HE WAS RIGHT; THE TIME WE SPENT HERE REALLY DID TRANSFORM
EACH OF US. IN MY CASE, I AM NOW A PERSON
WHO NEEDS A JOB, WHEREAS FOUR YEARS AGO, I WAS JUST A PERSON.
[ Laughter ] EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE HERE HAS
BEEN UNIQUE, STARTING WITH THE DIFFERENT CONCENTRATIONS WE
PURSUED AND THE STEREOTYPES ATTACHED TO THEM.
ECONOMICS CONCENTRATORS LIKE TO JOKE THAT THEY'RE SNAKES, AND
THE REST OF US LIKE TO PRETEND THAT WE HAVEN'T HEARD THAT JOKE
EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE WE STARTED COLLEGE.
BUT HONESTLY, I THINK THAT LABEL'S UNFAIR.
WHY SHOULD ONLY ONE CONCENTRATION GET ASSIGNED AN
ANIMAL? SO, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF COMING
UP WITH A FEW OTHERS. SOCIAL STUESONCERATORS:
YOU GET THE BLOWFISH. YOU ARE ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY
INTELLIGENT CREATURES, BUT NO ONE REALIZES THAT BECAUSE YOU
WERE GIVEN SUCH A STUPID NAME. WOMEN, GENDER & SEXUALITY
STUDIES CONCENTRATORS: YOU ARE THE CHACOAN PECCARY, BECAUSE
ACADEMIA ONLY ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR EXISTENCE IN THE MID-1970s, AND
THE AVERAGE PERSON IS STILL LIKELY TO DENY YOU'RE A REAL
THING. GOVERNMENT CONCTRATS: Y
GUYS ARE HUMANS, HUMANS WHO PLAY LACROSSE.
AND FINALLY, PURE MATH CONCENTRATORS: YOU ARE THE THREE
TURKEYS WHO MAKE INTERMITTENT APPEARANCES IN HARVARD YARD.
WE KNOW YOU'RE THERE, BUT YOU HAVE ONLY BEEN SIGHTED OUTSIDE
TWICE. IT'S OKAY, GUYS.
I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE BECAUSE I'M A PURE MATH CONCENTRATOR.
I'M NOT; I JUST WANTED TO GET THAT ON CAMERA FOR THE PURPOSES
OF MY JOB SEARCH. REGARDLESS OF WHATE STIED,
THE ONE THING ALL OUR HARVARD JOURNEYS PROBABLY HAD IN COMMON
AS ANDREW SAID, WAS THE EXPERIENCE OF REJECTION.
WE GOT REJECTED FROM ON-CAMPUS PUBLICATIONS, MUSICAL GROUPS,
CLUBS, AND THE SEMI-SECRET, HYPER-EXCLUSIVE GROUP OF
STUDENTS THAT CALLS FINAL CLUBS "FINALS CLUBS."
WE GOT REJECTED FROM CLASSES, INTERNSHIPS, LEADERSHIP
POSITIONS, THE HARVARD UNDERGRADUATE CLEAN ENERGY
GROUP, THE HARVARD UNDERGRADUATE CLEAN ENERGY GROUP AGAIN, THE
HARVARD UNDERGRADUATE CLEAN ENERGY GROUP A THIRD TIME--
SERIOUSLY, GUYS, WHAT IS IT? IS IT MY VIBE?
ULTIMATELY, THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN SAFELY SAY REJECTED NONE
OF US WAS ALSO THE ONLY THING THAT I CAN SAFELY SAY ALL OF US
WANTED TO BE REJECTED FROM: THE U.C.'S MAILING LIST.
[ Laughter ] NOW, I'LL BE HONEST, SOME
FAILURES HURT MORE THAN OTHERS-- THE ONES WHERE WE DID EVERYTHING
RIGHT, PUT IN THE TIME, PUT IN THE WORK, AND IT STILL DIDN'T
WORK OUT. FOR INSTANCE, I DEDICATED THE
ENTIRETY OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS TO ROAMING THE YARD AIMLESSLY IN
HARVARD SWEAT FANTS LANYARD AND CAY CHAIN WITH AN IMPROBABLE
SMILE ON MY FACE AND A LARGE DONUT IN EACH
HAND, AND I STILL DIDN'T GET FEATURED ON DEAN KHURANA'S
INSTAGRAM. UNTIL YESTERDAY WHEN RANDOMLY
POSTED ME ON HIS INSTAGRAM. BUT, I DON'T WANT TO GO TOO HARD
ON YOU, HARVARD. REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE WRITING
OUR APPLICATIONS, SAYING HOW BADLY WE WANTED TO BE HERE, HOW
AMAZING WE THOUGHT THIS PLACE WAS?
IN A WAY, HARVARD IS OUR LONG-TERM GIRLFRIEND: IN THE
COURTSHIP STAGES, BACK WHEN NOTHING WAS GUARANTEED, WE TOLD
HARVARD THAT WE "LOVED THE WAY IT THINKS" AND THAT IT WAS "NOT
LIKE OTHER SCHOOLS"; AND NOW WE'RE FOUR YEARS IN, LIKE, "AND
WHY DON'T YOU PUT THE TOILET SEAT BACK UP?"
EXCEPT "PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT BACK UP" IS ACTUALL"DIVTING
FROM FOSSIL FUELS." I ALMOST WISH THERE WAS A
PHYSICAL IMAGE TO REPRESENT THAT DYNAMIC OF GROVELING AT THE
SCHOOL'S FEET WHILE WE WERE APPLYING AND THEN PROCEEDING TO
URINATE ALL OVER IT, LIKE EAGER ASPIRING PRE-FROSH RUBBING THE
FOOT OF THE JOHN HARVARD STATUE FOR GOOD LUCK OR SOMETHING, AND
THEN ACCEPTED STUDENTS-- I DON'T KNOW-- PEEING ON IT, DRUNK.
OF COURSE, THE GIRLFRIEND ANALOGY LEAVES OUT A LOT.
NAMELY, THAT HARVARD ALSO PLAYED SOMETHING OF A PARENTAL ROLE.
OUR FRESHMAN YEAR, THEY DEMANDED THAT THE YARD BE DRY, NO
ALCOHOL-- WHICH WAS BASICALLY HARVARD SAYING: "AS LONG AS
YOU'RE UNDER MY ROOF, YOU LIVE BY MY RULES."
THEN, WE MOVED INTO OUR UPPERCLASSMEN HOUSES, WHERE WE
HAD DRINKS, PARTIES, AND EVEN FREE CONDOMS.
AND THAT WAS HARVARD SAYING: "IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY,
I'D RATHER YOU DO IT IN THE HOUSE."
AND FINALLY, JUST THIS MONTH, HARVARD REMINDED US NOT TO
COMPLETE THE CELEBRATED TRADITION OF JUMPING OFF THE
WEEKS BRIDGE FOR OUR OWN SAFETY, THEREBY BECOMING THE FIRST
PARENTAL FIGURE TO SAY "IF ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUMPED OFF A
BRIDGE, WOULD YOU JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, TOO?" AND HAVE "UM,
YEAH?" ACTUALLY BE A REALISTIC ANSWER.
BUT NOW, HARVARD WON'T BE PARENTING US ANYMORE.
IT'S TIME FOR THAT INFAMOUS PLACE, THE "REAL WORLD."
GET READY FOR AN ENDLESS SERIES OF "YOU WENT TO HARVARD?"
WHICH WILL EITHER MEAN THAT YOU SAID SOMETHING REALLY STUPID OR
THAT YOU ARE HOT. [ Laughter ]
THE CLASS OF 2022 WILL GO ON TO WORK IN ALL SORTS OF FIELDS AND
INDUSTRIES. SOME OF US WILL BECOME DOCTORS,
TEACHERS, FIREFIGHTERS, ASTRONAUTS, DETECTIVES, AND ALL
THE OTHER JOBS I TOTALLY KNOW ABOUT AS A GROWN ADULT.
THOSE OF US WHO SPEND A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME ON LINKED IN ARE
GUARANTEED TO BECOME DATA-DRIVEN THOUGHT LEADERS, PASSIONATE
DOMAIN EXPERTS, OR EVEN CREATIVE SELF-STARTERS.
AND FINALLY, SOME OF US WILL ALSO PROBABLY BECOME VILLAINS
BECAUSE THAT'S JUST PLAIN STATISTICS.
EITHER WAY, OUT THERE IN "THE REAL WORLD," OUR FIRST CHALLENGE
IS GOING TO BE LEARNING TO SPEAK NORMALLY AGAIN.
NO MORE ELABORATE ACADEMIC JARGON, NO MORE WEIRD HARVARD
INSIDE JOKES. "FETE" WILL NO LONGER BE A
BELOVED ELIOT HOUSE TRADITION BUT RATHER THE ACRONYM FOR
FEDERAL EXCISE TAX. "THE BROTHERS" WILL GO BACK TO
BEING A TERM PEOPLE USE TO REFER TO THEIR ACTUAL MALE SIBLINGS.
AND FINALLY, PERHAPS MOST DIFFICULT OF ALL, A 15-MINUTE
WALK WILL NO LONGER BE THE PUNCHLINE TO QUAD-RELATED QUIPS
BUT RATHER A TRULY STANDARD AMOUNT OF TIME FROM WALKING FROM
ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER. [APPLAUSE]
NOW, SOME OF YOU MAY BE THINKING, "BUT YOUMNA, HOW WILL
I SIGNAL TO EVERYONE I MEET OUT THERE THAT I WENT TO HARVARD IF
I LET GO OF ALL OF THAT?" WELL, YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL THEM
THAT YOU WENT TO COLLEGE "IN MASSACHUSETTS" "NEAR BOSTON,"
OR "IN THE BOSTON AREA." THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
ALL RIGHT, MOST OF WHAT I'VE SAID DURING THIS SPEECH HAS BEEN
WITH THE GOAL OF GIVING US A LITTLE LAUGH ON THIS MEMORABLE
DAY. BUT BEFORE I GO, I WOULD LIKE TO
SHARE WITH MY CLASS MY MAIN TAKEAWAY FROM HARVARD, WHICH HAS
BEEN THIS: LET'S NOT TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY.
LET'S LAUGH AT OURSELVES, AT THE SUCCESSES AND FAILURES WHICH
WE'LL BE BOUND TO ENCOUNTER. AND LET'S LAUGH AT INSTITUTIONS,
ESPECIALLY POWERFUL OR INTIMIDATING ONES LIKE
HARVARD--JUST NOT ACTUAL HARVARD BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T TECHNICALLY
GIVEN US OUR DIPLOMAS YET. AND WITH THAT: CLOSING TIME.
CLASS OF 2022, I AM SO, SO HAPPY
FOR US. BE PROUD OF THE FOUR YEARS YOU
SPENT HERE REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU'RE GRADUATING CUM LAUDE,
SUMMA CUM LAUDE, IPSO FACTO, OR PERSONA NON GRATA.
[ Laughter ] THERE'S A LOT TO BE THANKFUL TO
HARVARD FOR: THE FACULTY WHO TAUGHT US WITH EMPATHY AND
EXCELLENCE, THE STAFF WHO MADE US FEEL AT HOME SINCE DAY ONE.
PERHAPS ABOVE ALL, I AM THANKFUL FOR OUR STUDENT BODY: FROM THE
RECENT ALUMNI WHOM I CAN ONLY PRESUME ARE IN TEARS AS WE
SPEAK, FLINGING DARTS AT CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF THEIR
LANDLORDS; TO THE UNDERCLASSMEN WHO ARE BASICALLY AT A REALLY
EXPENSIVE SUMMER CAMP; TO US, THE CLASS OF 2022, WHO ARE IN A
SWEET SPOT THAT WILL LAST EXACTLY THREE DAYS.
NO MATTER WHAT THE REAL WORLD WILL BRING, I TRUST THAT WE WILL
MARCH TOWARDS IT WITH KINDNESS, RESILIENCE, AND COURAGE OF
CONVICTION; WITH LOVE, AN OPENNESS TO LAUGHTER, AND A
STRONG MORAL COMPASS; AND, ABOVE ALL, WITH THE HEAVY YET
ULTIMATELY DEEPLY IMPORTANT KNOWLEDGE THAT SOME OF YOU LOST
YOUR VIRGINITIES IN A BUNK BED. CONGRATULATIONS, CLASS OF 2022,
AND THANK YOU SO MUCH! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]