If you want to become more emotionally intelligent, you've got to be able to
know what you're feeling. Now, this is not the same as knowing why you're feeling that way,
which is insight, or knowing what to do about it. That's important too, but knowing what you're
feeling is really important. It's like starting where you're standing. Now, many people don't
know what they're feeling. They literally can't tell you what emotion they're having. They might
feel numb or disconnected or you can't tell the difference between feelings, thoughts,
and sensations. And then some people just don't have the words for emotions. Another thing that
a lot of people do is intellectualize. They try to think their way out of feelings. Now, when you
don't know what you're feeling you often feel a sense of powerlessness. You might feel confused or
be reactive to emotions that you can't identify. When you know what you're feeling you can choose
what to do with those feelings, and you'll have a greater sense of peace and control in your life.
So how do you feel your feelings? What do you do when you don't know what you're feeling? In this
video I'm going to teach you four ways to tune into your emotions. And these are things that I
use all the time in therapy to help my clients get better at feeling. [Music] [Music] Okay.
So number one is get into your body. So we're gonna learn by doing. I'm gonna have
you try this weird thing with me. I don't want you to start until I tell you to.
Um but what I'm gonna have you do is go ahead and find a wall and press your back into it, and then
try to put your legs at a 90 degree angle and hold it. Right? I'm asking you to do a wall sit. Now,
if you don't have a wall just go ahead and do a deep squat. Okay. You didn't think that we were
just gonna intellectualize about this, did you? Um let me get this set up. Okay. So I'm gonna
have you do just like a big, deep squat like this or a wall sit, and just hold that for a
minute. So go ahead and start. Okay. Now you're gonna start to notice what some sensations are
in your body. Okay. Your body is the receptacle of your emotions. Your physical sensations are
key to understanding what you're feeling. So close your eyes and get into your body.
What sensation are you feeling in your legs? What does it feel like? Pretend you're a curious
scientist who has never felt that feeling before. How would you describe it? Is it hot? Is it cold?
Is it stabbing? Is it throbbing? Is it pulsing? Is it comfortable? Do you like it? Right? Notice
where you feel tight or loose. And there's some things we do to avoid feeling. And this includes
like using judging words here, like, "Oh, this is bad. This is painful. This is awful," you
know. Instead of that try to just describe what you're feeling. Also, there's something else we
do to avoid our feelings: we try to think to the future. When will this be over? How long
do I have to do this? So instead just be present with it for a minute. If you need to take a break
that's okay. But this is how we get better at feeling. So we're describing what's going on
here. So practice describing what's going on with your breathing. You don't need to change it. Just
notice your breathing. What's going on with your hands? Just notice it. Now, if you can keep going,
keep going. And if not, take a break. But keep listening to your body. And if you notice your
mind wandering, just come back to the present moment. Now, getting out of your head and
into your body is an essential skill for feeling your feelings. So you can go ahead and stop now.
Feelings are fundamentally physical. Right? This is why yoga can be such a powerful treatment
for depression and anxiety and trauma because yoga invites you to be present with your body,
to create space for a whole bunch of sensations. It's about facing discomfort with courage but also
with awareness and remembering to breathe while you're feeling some stuff that's uncomfortable.
I believe that our physical sensations are the anchor for our emotions. Dr. Becky from
Good Inside says, "At its core, anxiety is a state of being uncomfortable in your body,
not feeling at home in yourself, and wanting to be anywhere else. It's the fear of a feeling,
and it's only a problem when your rules say that you can't have it." Learning to sit with your
physical sensations is the first rule to feeling your feelings. Now, as my clients are learning to
sit with physical sensations, I encourage them to use four principles from mindfulness to get
better at feeling their feelings. The first one is a beginner's mind. That's just about being
curious and observing your experience as if it was the first time you'd ever had that feeling.
Uh number two is non-judgment. So that's describing instead of labeling. So instead
of saying, "It's terrible to feel sad," you might say, "Hmm, this sadness is uncomfortable. This is
heavy. This hurts." And you're describing it instead of labeling it. Number three is
non-striving. That's just being where you're at. It's not trying to force immediate change and
instead just experiencing and allowing yourself to feel what you are feeling without trying to
force it to go away. You give yourself grace. Um you're not feeling your feelings so that
they can go away, like in a subtle attempt to make them go away. You're feeling your feelings
so that you can be present with yourself, and you're dropping the war with your own body.
Okay. And then comes present-moment awareness. You try to be here in the present moment instead
of escaping by dwelling on the past or worrying about the future or dreaming about the future.
Right? Feeling your feelings is learning to stop running and sit with yourself.
So when big emotions come up you create space for them by getting into your body,
by opening yourself up, slowing down, and allowing yourself to experience what you're feeling. Now,
there's a couple of other ways that you can practice this skill of getting into
your body. And this includes like mindful exercise, mindful eating, and a meditation
like the body-scan exercise. These are maybe easier ways to learn this than doing a squat.
Okay. So now I'm going to teach you two things a therapist would do in a session to help you feel
your feelings. Now, you know the old therapist trope, like, "Oh, how does that make you feel?"
Right? I almost never say that in session. But I do say two phrases all the time. The first is,
"Where do you notice that in your body?" So if someone's going off on this intense emotional
description about their boss at work or their rude child or their mother-in-law and they've been
talking for like 10 minutes about all the problems this person is causing them in their lives. And
I'm listening, and I care, and I know that to move forward I have to ask these questions. Right?
"Where do you notice that in your body?" And the answer might sound like, "Oh, I feel tight in my
stomach. My hands are cold." Or "I feel red in the face. My throat is tight." Or someone might say,
"I feel frozen. I feel cold. I feel locked up. I feel like I want to just curl up into a ball. So
that first question, "Where do you feel this in your body?" can help you identify your emotions.
And then the second question is, "Can you use is an emotion word?" So my client might say
something like, "Oh, I just feel like they're so rude and disrespectful." And I would say, "Can you
use an emotion word?" They might say, "They never listen to me." And I say, "Oh, that that must be
frustrating. Can you use an emotion word?" And the person might say, "I feel angry." And I might say,
"Yeah, that's an emotion word. Yeah. Yeah. You feel angry." Now, remember, anger is usually a
secondary emotion. So I might say something like, "Oh, is there something more sensitive under
that?" And they might say, "Oh, I feel afraid." "But what are you afraid of?" That - maybe the
person might say, "Oh, I'm that I'm inadequate. Then they might they say something like, "Oh,
maybe I feel helpless." And at that point we're getting to the place where we're identifying
feelings. Okay. All right. Number three. So this is where the next resource comes in. It's an
emotions chart. It's using a list of emotions. And this can be really helpful. The process of feeling
your feelings is really interesting because it basically asks you to pendulate back and
forth from your sensations, to your words, and then back to your feelings, and to your images.
It's like going from the different sides of your brain back and forth. Emotions are a whole-body,
whole-brain experience. So just imagine shifting, you know, from one foot to the other, sensations
and words. Right? So I I encourage my clients and people to grab an emotions chart. You can Google
one or you can use my free download. And then just explore it for a word that seems to fit, and write
it down. Right? Tell someone. Make it concrete. The more concrete you can make these feelings,
the greater power you'll have over them. Okay. So number four: Now that we've gone through words,
let's try another exercise. And this is a great one from art therapy. So go ahead and grab a piece
of paper. Get some art supplies. Draw the outline of a body, and then use colors or shapes or
textures to make a body map of your emotions. Now, I'm going to pop up some examples of this for you
to see. But this is such a great little activity to help you feel your feelings. Okay. so what
does this do for us? When we identify a feeling, especially when we identify it in our body, we
validate it. We say, "Yes, I am feeling this." And because emotions are messengers for us, be because
emotions are often trying to tell us something, when we notice and name them they don't have to
keep shouting at us to deliver their message. They often resolve just by being acknowledged. So you
can learn the skill of feeling your feelings. You can learn to identify your emotions and this is a
practical tool that you can use to gain more awareness and thereby more control over your
emotions. Now, I hope this can help you get better at feeling. And if you like, you can download the
emotions wheel in the link in the description below. Or you can take my course How to Process
Emotions, also in the link below. Thank you for all the work that you're doing, and take care.
[Music]