WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
DONALD TRUMP-- IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH HIM--
DONALD TRUMP LIKES TO TALK ABOUT BEING A JOB-CREATING PRESIDENT,
AND A REALLY BIG JOB JUST OPENED UP BECAUSE-- AND THIS IS TRUE--
"FOX & FRIENDS" IS LOOKING FOR A NEW HEAD WRITER.
HOLD ON-- SOMEBODY WRITES "FOX & FRIENDS"?
( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT THEY JUST GOT SOME
MONKEYS DRUNK AND GAVE THEM A OUIJA BOARD.
A JOB LIKE THIS DOES NOT COME AROUND EVERY DAY.
KEEP IN MIND-- AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING--
THIS IS THE SHOW THAT THE PRESIDENT WATCHES EVERY MORNNG
TO KNOW WHAT HE THINKS.
A MORE HONEST AD WOULD SAY, "JOB OPENING: MOST INFLUENTIAL
WRITER IN THE WORLD.
MUST BE OKAY WITH HAVING YOUR MOST CASUAL THOUGHT INSTANTLY
TURNED INTO GLOBAL POLICY. LIGHT DOOCY WRANGLING."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE AD ACTUALLY SAYS, "YOU
HAVE TO HAVE FOUR-PLUS YEARS OF NATIONAL OR LOCAL MAJOR-MARKET
EXPERIENCE.
MUST BE WILLING TO WORK OVERNIGHTS AND WEEKENDS."
SO, MORE THAN THE PRESIDENT.
SO YOU NEED TO HAVE A PASSION FOR ACCURACY.
YES.
ACCURACY, ACCURACY SHOULD BE MORE OF A PASSION PROJECT,
BECAUSE YOUR JOB WILL BE LYING.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF WHICH, SPEAKING OF
LYING, THERE'S MORE NEWS ABOUT RUSSIA'S ATTEMPT TO MEDDLE IN
OUR ELECTIONS-- AND THIS IS A BIG ONE.
BECAUSE WE LEARNED THE RUSSIANS SUCCESSFULLY PENETRATED THE
VOTER REGISTRATION ROLLS OF SEVERAL U.S. STATES PRIOR TO THE
2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
MAN, RUSSIA WAS REALLY WORKING HARD TO BE PART OF OUR ELECTION
SYSTEM.
I JUST WISH AMERICANS FELT THE SAME WAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ELECTIONS.
VOTE, VOTE.
DOO-DA!
AND THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY, HEAD OF
CYBER-SECURITY, JEANETTE MANFRA, EXPLAINED WHICH STATES
WERE AFFECTED.
>> WE SAW TARGETING OF 21 STATES, AND AN EXCEPTIONALLY
SMALL NUMBER OF THAT 21 WERE ACTUALLY SUCCESSFULLY
PENETRATED.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "EXCEPTIONALLY SMALL" NUMBER OF
STATES?
THERE'S ONLY 50 STATES.
ONE STATE IS 2% OF ALL STATES.
ALSO, YOU KNOW THE STATES AREN'T ALL EQUAL IN AN ELECTION, RIGHT?
"DON'T WORRY, ONLY TWO STATES WERE HACKED BY THE RUSSIANS:
FLORIDA AND OHIO.
NOW, LET'S CHECK OUT THE RESULTS.
OH, MY GOD.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, OFFICIALS ASSURED US THERE IS NO EVIDENCE
ANY OF THE REGISTRATION ROLLS WERE ALTERED IN ANY FASHION.
SO WE KNOW THEY GOT IN, BUT THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S BETTER.
"GOOD NEWS, MR. JOHNSON.
WE KNOW THE HERPES VIRUS GOT INTO YOU, BUT WE KNOW IT WON'T
DO ANYTHING."
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY SAYING THE
RUSSIANS DID IT.
IT'S ALSO THE GUY WHO INVENTED THAT DEPARTMENT, FORMER U.S.
PRESIDENT AND FORMERLY THE WORST U.S. PRESIDENT,
GEORGE W. BUSH.
YESTERDAY, AT A CONFERENCE IN ABU DHABI, HE SAID, "THERE'S
PRETTY CLEAR EVIDENCE THAT THE RUSSIANS MEDDLED, AND THAT'S
DANGEROUS FOR DEMOCRACY, BECAUSE OUR DEMOCRACY IS REALLY ONLY AS
GOOD AS PEOPLE TRUST THE RESULTS."
"FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW THAT DURING THE FLORIDA RECOUNT, THE
GOVERNOR WAS MY BROTHER?
THAT IS MESSED UP."
IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
MY IMITRATION IS ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
ACCORDING TO SECRETARY OF STATE AND THE GRANDPA YOU DON'T VISIT,
REX TILLERSON.
SEXY REXY-- HE LIST SO FAR AWAY.
SEXY REXY SAYS THAT RUSSIA HAS ALREADY BEGUN MEDDLING IN THE
2018 ELECTION, AND HE'S GOT SOME HARSH WORDS FOR THEM.
>> I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT WE JUST CONTINUE TO SAY TO RUSSIA,
"LOOK, IF YOU THINK WE DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, WE DO SEE IT,
AND YOU NEED TO STOP.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S IT, SHERIFF
REX?
YOU'RE FROM THE LONE STAR STATE.
IS THAT THE NEW MOTTO?
"WE SEE YOU MESSING WITH TEXAS, AND YOU NEED TO STOP."
BUT-- WE'RE GOING TO.
SHAME, SHAME, SHAME.
BUT COME ON, I MEAN, WE'RE THE UNITED STATES.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OKAY, TOUGH GUY?
>> IS THE U.S. BETTER PREPARED THIS TIME AROUND THAN 2016?
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW THAT I WOULD SAY WE'RE BETTER PREPARED, BECAUSE
THE RUSSIANS WILL ADAPT AS WELL.
THE POINT IS IF IT'S THEIR INTENTION TO
INTERFERE, THEY ARE GOING TO FIND WAYS TO DO THAT, AND WE
CAN TAKE STEPS WE CAN TAKE.
BUT ONCE THEY DECIDE THEY'RE GOING TO DO THAT, IT'S VERY
DIFFICULT TO PREEMPT IT.
>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S THE FOUNDING SPIRIT OF THE NATION:
"I'D PREFER YOU NOT TREAD ON ME, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO PREEMPT IT.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
I GUESS WE KEEP THE KING.
WE'RE SORRY.
WE TRIED TO-- I'M SORRY."
( APPLAUSE ) BUT DON'T YOU DARE SAY THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION IS DOING NOTHING.
BECAUSE THEY'RE DOING LESS THAN NOTHING.
IN FACT, TWO WEEKS AGO, THEY DECLINED TO IMPOSE NEW SANCTIONS
ON RUSSIA IN RESPONSE TO THEIR INTERFERENCE IN THE 2016
ELECTIONS BECAUSE TILLERSON'S STATE DEPARTMENT SAID EARLIER
SANCTIONS ALREADY IN PLACE WERE "SERVING AS A DETERRENT."
WELL, WHICH IS IT?
ARE THE RUSSIANS DETERRED, OR ARE THEY CURRENTLY HACKING THE
ELECTION?
IT CAN'T BE BOTH!
THAT WOULD BE LIKE PRESIDENT TRUMP POINTING AT THE EMPTY
STANDS AND SAYING HE HAD THE BIGGEST INAUGURATION CROWD, OR
BIGGEST INAUGURATION CROWD EVER, OR CLAIMING HE WEIGHS 239 POUNDS
AND HAS A FULL HEAD OF HAIR.
UP IT DOWN.
BLACK IT WHITE.
DAY IS NIGHT.
DOGS ARE CATS.
AND THE ONLY REPUBLICAN TELLING THE TRUTH IS GEORGE W. BUSH!