[Applause]
how's everybody doing so great
I'm still wearing the jacket though
tonight it sparkles ironically and if
haters want to call me a sad liberal
Liberace tough titty I said at first so
how did everyone get this so
spectacularly wrong pollsters the media
that keeping at 1600 nerds us what was
the X Factor that none of the forecasts
accounted for okay I have a confession
to make a few years ago I appeared on a
little show called one order you may
know Vanessa Carville she's being
blackmailed the 20 season hit series was
cancelled even though there were still
six people in New York who hadn't yet
appeared on it and then last year I gave
a tasteful interview and Playboy the
next day playboy canceled nudity I guess
I didn't notice the pattern because
yesterday I voted in an American
election for the first time and I broke
America I am so sorry and please don't
even think of writing something stupid
like what a lucky break a trip
presidency is for comedians the jokes
just write themselves no no no shut up
jokes don't write themselves Jews write
jokes and they are
[Music]
believe it or not this isn't a great day
to be part of the most diverse staff and
late night they're not in a very jokey
mood this is the script they handed me
this morning right before vomiting on my
shoes you know I don't say this very
often but I should have hired more white
dues I mean look at mavin best case
scenario he gets stopped and frisked
daily worst case scenario he gets
erroneously deported I mean what kind of
name is mavin anyway
look this isn't good for anyone our
democracy just hiked up a marmalade
hairball with the whole world watching
what we did was the Democratic
equivalent of installing an above-ground
pool even if we're lucky and it doesn't
seep into our foundations the neighbors
will never look at us the same way again
in the coming days people will be
looking for someone to blame the
pollsters the strident feminists the
Democratic Party a vengeful god but once
you dust for fingerprints it's pretty
clear who ruined America white people I
guess ruining Brooklyn was just a dry
run
[Applause]
hñ showed up in droves to vote for Trump
so I don't want to hear a goddamn word
about black voter turnout how many times
we expect black people to build our
country for us white people this is the
worst thing we've ever nope I'm sorry
that's a very high bar but holy [ __ ] and
don't try to distance yourself from the
bad apples and say it's not my fault I
didn't vote for him hashtag not all
white people should shush shush if
Muslims have to take responsibility for
every member of their community so do we
63% of white men said if I can't be in
charge burn it down which surprised
exactly no one and a majority of white
women faced with the historic choice
between the first female president and a
vial of weaponized testosterone said
I'll take option B I just don't like her
I hope you got your sticker lady's way
to lean out did you not hear people of
color begging you to not legitimize this
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
to be fair that was when they were
behind in the polls which can cause
stress Tourette's
oh I'm sure they'll be gracious winners
you won so where was the conciliatory
notice hey I want my people to support
one president where's that message you
won
say it again I didn't hear you you won
that's right and Hillary Clinton should
say that's the American people and say
support Donald Trump and Cory you're
being a horrible person right now knows
it's gonna be illegal for him to raise
his voice for the next four years I'd
also like to congratulate the patriot in
a pickup truck who escorted one of my
staffers on his walk to work this
morning shouting payback for Obama time
no more socialist Muslim oh I think the
healing has begun guys Trump himself to
his credit struck a much more
conciliatory tone than his ring rates
Hillary has worked very long and very
hard over a long period of time and we
owe her a major debt worked hard and
owed a major debt I'm not sure whether
he's describing Hillary or one of his
contractors but at least he was
magnanimous in victory it could be worse
imagine at I know don't imagine it
imagine my jacket sparkles sparkles
America is still a great country and it
is still worth fighting for
it has shonda rhimes shows and peanut
butter and Beyonce and lin-manuel
Miranda Rapp weeping at a wardrobe
and it has the beautiful US Constitution
which we should probably start teaching
in schools we still get to take pride in
the peaceful transfer of power and to
all the little girls who are watching
this never doubt that you are valuable
and powerful and deserving of every
chance and opportunity in the world to
pursue and achieve your own dreams and
if Miss Radames not in the White House
that's okay one of those girls is going
to be we still have millions of nasty
women who aren't going away and as long
as women over 25 although that may only
be till late January here's here's some
good news that you may not have noticed
if you were busy comforting a sobbing
child who thinks he's gonna get kicked
out of America the voters of Arizona
decided racial profile er extraordinaire
Joe Arpaio did not deserve a seventh
term as sheriff political journey began
on a Kenyan refugee camp will be
America's first Somali American
legislature
[Applause]
so we'll be the first Latina u.s.
senator will be our first Indian senator
and California's first african-american
senator double milestones let's hear it
for senator tammy duckworth you may as
war hero the racist my family has served
this nation in uniform going back to the
revolution I forgotten that your parents
came all the way from Thailand to serve
George Washington she's moving into his
office more like this and less like this
do you then
let's get off the floor and get busy
especially you white women we got some
karma to work off we'll be right back
[Applause]