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♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE!
>> Jon: HELLO.
YOU GOT THE INK ON THE SHIRT.
WHAT'S THAT?
>> Stephen: I THREW A PEN AT CHRIS JUST NOW BECAUSE HE WASN'T
LOOKING AT ME.
I'M NOT A FRAGILE PERFORMER BUT I WILL NOT, NOT BE LOOKED AT, SO
I THREW A PEN AT HIM AND GOT INK ON HIS SHIRT SO I THINK I HAVE A
DRY-CLEANING BILL.
DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD?
>> Jon: WHY IS THAT?
>> Stephen: OVER THE WEEKEND I GOT MY MAIL-IN BALLOT.
I'M REALLY EXCITED.
I CAN'T WAIT.
>> Jon: IT'S TIME.
LET'S GO.
>> Stephen: LOOKING AT THE BALLOT GAVE ME A FEELING OF
AGENCY, LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY HAVE SOME SAY OVER THE FUTURE OF
THIS COUNTRY.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
>> OH, YEAH, YOU LOOK AT THAT BALLOT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU
WANT TO DO.
>> Stephen: VOTE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RESEARCHING THE MOST TOPICAL
TRADITIONAL MAORI TATTOO DESIGNS OF THE DAY, DEVELOPING A VISUAL
METAPHOR FOR A MEANINGFUL PERSONAL STORY, CRAFTING NEEDLES
OUT OF ALBATROSS BONES AND METICULOUSLY APPLYING A PIGMENT
MADE OF BURNT TIMBER TO CREATE THE ELEGANT BODY ART THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO TO THE PART OF THE
PLAYGROUND WHERE THE TEACHERS CAN'T SEE ME, TAKE THE PENKNIFE
MY FRIEND TOMMY STOLE FROM HIS DAD'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT, CARVE
HALF A PORTRAIT OF SPEED RACER IN MY ARM BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO
MUCH TO KEEP GOING, AND THEN RUB SOME BIC PEN INK IN THERE TO
FORM THE ADOLESCENT D.I.Y.
MISTAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MELBOURNE,
AUSTRALIA PILOT TOOK TO THE SKIES WITH THREE CHICKENS TO
CARRY OUT A PREYOM KIPPUR RITUAL."
IT'S THE SACRED JEWISH TRADITION OF CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF
LIVESTOCK.
DUE TO THE BAN ON LARGE GATHERINGS, MANY ORTHODOX JEWS
WERE UNABLE TO PERFORM THE RITUAL OF "KAPPAROT," WHICH
"INVOLVES SWINGING A LIVE CHICKEN OVER ONE'S HEAD THREE
TIMES AND RECITING A PRAYER TO TRANSFER SINS TO THE BIRD."
SEEMS REALLY UNFAIR TO THE BIRD.
"NO, HONEY, THIS EXTREMELY DIZZY CHICKEN IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED
ON YOU."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENTS
AND WEAPONS SYSTEMS INCORPORATED" SOMETIMES COME
ACROSS SO MANY FAST-FOOD RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAD TO CREATE
OUR NEW QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB SEGMENT "CUISINE-WHILE."
CUISINE-WHILE, AS A FUN WAY TO SOOTHE PEOPLE UNDER LOCKDOWN "A
BROOKLYN PIZZERIA IS OFFERING "COMFORTING WORDS" AS A DELIVERY
MENU ITEM."
I DON'T THINK THEY GET HOW PIZZA WORKS.
MELTED CHEESE ON BREAD IS THE COMFORT.
WORDS ARE AN UNNECESSARY TOPPING, LIKE VEGETABLES.
YOU SAY YOU WANT THEM, BUT COME ON.
ACCORDING TO THE PIZZERIA, "FOR $1, OUR DELIVERY DRIVER WILL
LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND TELL YOU 'EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.'"
AND FOR $2, THEY WON'T.
BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE
BEST YOU CAN.
CUISINE-WHILE, IN IRELAND, THEIR HIGHEST COURT HAS RULED THAT
SUBWAY SANDWICHES ARE TOO SUGARY TO MEET THE LEGAL DEFINITION OF
"BREAD."
SAID SUBWAY IN A STATEMENT, "YES, THIS IS THE MOST
CONTROVERSIAL BRUSH WITH THE LAW SUBWAY HAS EVER HAD.
THIS SUGAR BREAD THING.
NOTHING ELSE."
SO IRELAND IS CONCERNED THAT SUBWAY'S BREAD IS TOO SUGARY.
IRELAND, YOU'RE ADORABLE.
AMERICA LITERALLY HAS A SANDWICH THAT IS FRIED CHICKEN BETWEEN
TWO DONUTS.
YOU CAN GET IT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES AND A DEFIBRILLATOR.
AND THE DEFIBRILLATOR IS BETWEEN TWO DONUTS!
'CAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!
CUISINE-WHILE, "A MCDONALD'S FANATIC IN NORTH DAKOTA IS
ENJOYING WIDESPREAD INTERNET MCFAME AFTER SHE WAS SPOTTED IN
THE MCDONALD'S DRIVETHRU WITH HER 'HMBRGLR' LICENSE PLATE."
WHAT A FUN COINCIDENCE.
JUST LIKE THAT TIME I WENT THROUGH THE TACO BELL
DRIVE-THROUGH WITH MY LICENSE PLATE THAT SAYS "RE-GRET."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW ASKING, "COULD CATS HOLD
THE KEY TO A COVID-19 VACCINE?" I HOPE NOT.
I DO NOT WANT HUMANITY'S FATE IN THE HANDS OF CREATURES THAT
CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF WE LIVE OR DIE.
SCIENTISTS SAY "CATS DEVELOP A PROTECTIVE IMMUNE RESPONSE TO
COVID-19, LEADING RESEARCHERS TO WONDER WHETHER IT'S WORTH
STUDYING PETS TO AID IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF A HUMAN VACCINE."
SOUNDS GOOD.
BECAUSE MINGLING HUMAN AND CAT D.N.A. HAS NEVER GONE WRONG.
RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT.
( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, COLOR EXPERTS
PANTONE, IN AN EFFORT TO END THE STIGMA ASSOCIATED WITH
MENSTRUATION, HAVE UNVEILED "A NEW SHADE OF RED INSPIRED BY THE
COLOR OF WOMEN'S PERIODS."
WHICH IS JUST WRONG.
ANYONE WHO'S WATCHED A MAXI PAD COMMERCIAL KNOWS THE COLOR OF
WOMEN'S PERIODS IS ELECTRIC BLUE.
I THINK THEY WOULD KNOW.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ENGLAND, DURING A TEST RUN OF THE FUTURE
OF EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES, A JETPACK-EQUIPPED PARAMEDIC WAS
ABLE TO COVER A NORMALLY 25-MINUTE TREK UP A MOUNTAINSIDE
TO A SIMULATED EMERGENCY IN ONLY 90 SECONDS.
NOW UNFORTUNATELY, THE JET PACK ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH TO
TRANSPORT YOU TO A HOSPITAL, SO IN MANY CASES THEY CAN'T SAVE
YOUR LIFE.
BUT THE LAST THING YOU SEE WILL BE SO COOL!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ETHAN HAWKE.
I WANT TO SEE THAT JET PACK.
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