Welcome back to the show. And now because God clearly hates us we
have to talk about Debate 2: The Night
We Gave Up. With everyone heading into
debate night buzzing about Donnie and
Billy's fun-time pussy wagon, jump made a
last-minute play to non-consensually
grab the media narrative by rounding
up four women who say they've been
victimized by the Clintons and flying
them to St. Louis to use as a sort of
rape victim human shield.
(PAULA JONES) I'm here to support Mr. Trump because he's going to make America great again.
(BROADDRICK) I'm Juanita Broddrick and i'm here to
support Donald Trump. Mr. Trump may have
said bad words, but Bill Clinton raped me
God damn it, Bill Clinton. Why can't we
just lock him and Trump in a closet to
grope each other to death. As disgusting
as Bill is, none of this is Hillary's
fault, and none of it erases what Donald
did. Besides, rubbing a woman's face in
her husband's infidelity is not the way
to America's heart.
We love wronged wives. This is the same
America that is still obsessed with
Jennifer Aniston. Her ex-husband has split up
with the woman he cheated on her with and
we still want to know if she's okay
You alright, Jen? Can I get you some skin oatmeal?
is your couch white enough? Trump's
nineties flashback was clearly meant to
rattle Hillary Clinton, which it didn't.
but everyone else was pretty creeped out
Republicans as much as Democrats right
now think this is Donald Trump pouring
gasoline over his head right now and lighting himself on
fire
I wonder, I know millions of his
supporters are cheering tonight for
what they think is going full Gondor, but
I think it could be perceived as going full Mordor.
Nice Lord of the Rings metaphor,
dungeon master Hewitt. And just like
watching those movies,
I can't believe how many hours are still
left in this grim joyless battle. And so
America, already heartbroken and
spattered with sleaze, drags itself to
the second debate between a
well-prepared, if uninspiring public
servant and a crotch fondling slab of
rancid meat loaf.
Moderators Martha Raddatz and Anderson
Cooper gamely carried on as if this
whole evening weren't completely insane
Because as we all know, presidential
debates traditionally feature one
candidate threatening to jail his
opponent
then knocking her around the stage like
he's Leatherface and finally fornicating
with the chair the chair like. When you're a star, chairs let you do it.
you can do anything
Instead of the dynamic lunatic Trump we
got it the first debate, we got the fat
Elvis version -- sluggish, bloated, and
judging from his answer, possibly
medicated. Secretary Clinton, I do want to
follow up on emails. You've said your
handling of your emails was a mistake
personal email account
emails
server
I'd like to know, Anderson, why aren't you
bringing up the emails? I'd like to know,
why aren't you (ANDERSON) We've brought up the emails. (TRUMP) No, it
hasn't. It hasn't.
Yes he done, he done! Trump kept
dismissing his hot mic moment as
something any typical person in his
sixth decade of life who's married and a
father of daughters would say behind closed doors.
You brag that you have
sexually assaulted women. Do you
understand that?
No, I didn't say that at all. I don't
think you understood what was that this
was locker-room talk
I'm not proud of it but this is
locker-room talk. It's locker room talk
and it's one of those things.
Oh, that thing I
still have nightmares about was just
locker room talk and not sexual assault?
Woo, goodbye PTSD. Also, you weren't in a
locker room, you sleazy pair of sweat
socks. You were at work.
As Trump snarled like a wounded raccoon stuck in your
crawlspace, Hillary declined to deliver a
merciful death blow and instead yammed
on about Russian hackers and her Netflix queue.
That was something I said
about Abraham Lincoln after having seen
the wonderful Steven Spielberg movie
called Lincoln. It was a masterclass
watching President Lincoln get the
Congress to approve the 13th amendment
Oh god, of course Hillary Clinton's
favorite Spielberg movie isn't the
killer shark one or the dinosaur one
it's the one about legislative
negotiation. Hillary thought she was at a
debate, but Trump was at a Trump rally.
So while she reached out to the audience
with facts and sentences that follow the
basic rules of grammar and syntax,
Trump spent 90 minutes outgassing
a noxious word cloud of aggression and
disjointed nonsense he found on Reddit.
You should be so ashamed of yourself. Our taxes are so high,
just about the highest in the world
hundreds of thousands of people coming
in from Syria when we know nothing about
them. (ANDERSON) you sent out a series of tweets
from 3m to 5am including one that told
people check out a sex tape and (TRUMP) No, there
wasn't check out a sex tape.
You're the one that sent the pictures around, your
campaign sent the pictures around with
President Obama in a certain garb. That
was long before I was ever involved so
you actually owe an apology. For 30 years
she's been doing this, Anderson. She talks
about taxes
why didn't you do something about it?
yeah why didn't she do anything about
taxes 30 years ago? Everybody knows that
the federal tax rates are set by the
first lady of Arkansas
But at least Trump proved once and for all
who the real bitch was in this debate
Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, I want to get
to audience questions and online
questions (TRUMP) So, she's allowed to do that
but I'm not allowed to respond? (RADDATZ) you're going to
have-- you're going to get to respond
right now. (TRUMP) Sounds fair.
(RADDATZ) No, did you -- answer the question. Do you still believe (TRUMP) Why don't you interrupt her?
(RADDATZ) I do. (TRUMP) You interrupt me all the time why don't you interrupt her?
(TRUMP) Excuse me. She just went about 25 seconds over her time. (RADDATZ) She did not.
(TRUMP) You know what's funny? She went over a minute over and you
don't stop her. When I go one second over
it's like a big deal.
And how come Amber gets to go to the mall with her friends and I don't! I hate you mom!
In fact, the biased concept of linear time
showed Trump spoke for 40 minutes and 10
seconds while Hillary spoke for 39
minutes and five seconds, which makes
Trump the real clock gobbler. The debate
was a grotesque travesty of democracy
Trump did to Hillary, the moderators, and
the viewers, what he did to that chair
and insulted us all the while.
How stupid is our country?
Well thankfully, not that stupid. We'll be
right back