- Relationships can be tricky,
especially romantic relationships.
And being in any kind of intimate connection
can often trigger some old patterns of behavior
and possibly bring out the worst in us.
And the interesting thing is that
these patterns may not even be our own.
But the ones we grew up around,
like our parents or grandparents' relationships
and their dynamics.
Not to mention that connecting with someone else
can trigger other issues.
Things like attachment, fear of intimacy or abandonment
and many other things.
Which is why it's important to talk about
the dos and don'ts in relationships.
Starting with the seven things
we should never say to our partners.
(upbeat music)
And number seven is, "you always do that."
Always is what we call an extreme or an absolute.
Other versions of this are words like
never, can't, hate, wouldn't or couldn't.
And I'm not advocating that these words in general
are just like off limits,
just that we pay attention to how and when we use them,
so that our relationships don't dissolve before our eyes
or frequently erupt into rage filled arguments.
For example, saying something like
"you never help out at home, ever!"
isn't really a conversation starter.
It's a fight starter.
And it's incredibly rare that
someone never or always does something.
A better way to approach this
would be to say something like,
"if you could help me clean up a bit more often,
I would really appreciate it."
See how different that feels?
So much better and less antagonistic.
And you might be wondering about the words
wouldn't and couldn't.
These are unhelpful when you say something like
"I have asked you to help so many times
but you just couldn't bother to do it."
So we just wanna try to remove those,
that kind of language and soften it a little bit
so that we don't have fight starters,
we have conversation starters.
Let's move on to number six.
And that is to comment negatively about their appearance.
I know this one should go without saying,
but sometimes in the heat of an argument
we can say things we don't mean
just to hurt their feelings,
and you know quote unquote "win" the disagreement.
We all know how hard we can be on ourselves about our bodies
and feeling comfortable being intimate with someone else
is difficult in and of itself.
Which is why we should steer away from
making any negative comments about someone's appearance.
We want those we love to feel good being around us
and we can't take it back once we've put it out there.
So keep the comments to the things that are upsetting.
You know, what they did that hurt our feelings
or what you would prefer they did,
rather than making any offhanded comments
about how they look.
And that moves us along to number five.
We should never talk about divorce or breaking up
during an argument.
I know those of us with attachment issues
can cling to this one all the time,
immediately thinking that if we run away first,
it won't hurt as bad.
Or some of my patients have seen this
as the ultimate power move,
thinking that by threatening the ending of the relationship,
it puts them in a better position to win.
And I cannot begin to tell you
how toxic this type of behavior is.
Because it not only weakens the trust
between you and your partner,
but it also erodes the foundation of your connection.
Doing this repeatedly or really at all
can open you and your partner up to thinking
that the relationship is doomed to end
or that we can't make any future plans together
because we might not make it there.
Planning for the future
is a healthy part of relationship growth and stability.
By removing that, each member of the relationship
can feel like they're never on solid ground
which I think we all would admit,
doesn't feel good because it isn't good.
Next is number four.
And that is to say nothing at all.
Otherwise known as stonewalling.
Removing ourselves from a conversation
so that we don't say something we don't mean or lash out,
that's completely fine.
But we must return to the conversation at a later time
to work through it.
Never speaking up about what's upsetting
or what change you're hoping to see,
means that it's never gonna get better.
People can't read our minds.
We have to tell them what we're thinking, feeling
and what upset us.
Even if it seems obvious to us,
refusing to communicate because we don't like how it's going
or we are unwilling to compromise
is not going to improve things.
If you feel yourself wanting to shut down, run away
or just stop talking,
it might be better to quickly say
you have to stop for a bit
and come back when you're not as upset.
It's always okay to do that.
And it can prevent us from making things worse.
But we do have to return to the issue and work it out.
So I wanna throw that out there.
You can't just, "I'm gonna run away"
and then not come back.
We have to come back.
Next up, we have number three.
We should not go through a laundry list
with someone we love.
This means we aren't keeping track of
all the things that we did versus what they did
and listing it off.
I know we can think that we've done more than they have
and maybe we have,
but if we are doing things
knowing that we're going to resent them
or be upset about it,
maybe we don't do that thing.
And instead we ask them to.
If you think you are
always the one unloading the dishwasher,
how about we ask them to do it next time?
Or if we feel like we do most of the work with the kids,
how about we ask them to handle the next task?
It takes two to be in a relationship
and if one isn't pulling their weight,
we have to speak up, talk about it
and come up with a better way
to manage the work of the home,
the relationship itself, the kids, whatever.
Acts of service is one of the five love languages.
So if this sort of thing really sets you off,
maybe talk with your partner about it
and how important sharing in tasks is to you.
And finally, when we do these things for our loved ones,
these things should be done with joy and love.
Even if the task isn't our favorite to do,
we could be happy that we're able to do it
or do it because we love them
and we know that it will help them.
If we are doing it, feeling resentful,
mentally adding it to a list of things
to be pissed off at them about,
then maybe we should talk to them about it first.
Number two, we should never tell our partner
"I don't care."
When the person we're committed to says this,
it can trigger fear of abandonment
and erode the foundation of the relationship.
It can cause us to start thinking that
they aren't invested or don't care about us,
especially if this is said
about something that's really important to us.
I know sometimes we can be so exhausted by the argument
that we just want it to end.
But try not to say this
and instead say something like
"I can tell this is important to you,
but I'm too tired to talk about it right now.
Can we pick this up tomorrow?"
Again, it's totally fine to back burner the conversation
until we're in a better place to talk it through.
And finally, the number one thing
we should never say to our partner,
"I wish I never met you."
This statement cuts deep
and essentially states that
we wanna erase our entire relationship.
Something that couples hold onto even during tough times
or those early excited and in love feelings
that they had back at the beginning
or at another stage in the relationship.
And we can tap back into those good days
and remember why we're with them.
To say that we wish it had never happened
can make it hard to fight for the relationship at all.
And it can also trigger fears of abandonment
or lead to thoughts that
the person that we've made a life with
doesn't see a future with us.
It can make us start looking for ways out
or cause us to put up walls
to protect us from the perceived loss.
Overall, it can damage the relationship deeply
and weaken the trust that we have with our partner.
There are obviously so many more we could mention
like saying hurtful things about each other's families
or parenting abilities.
But the point is
to be careful about what we say to each other.
And if you feel yourself losing your cool
or getting too emotional,
it's okay to step away for a bit
and come back to the conversation at a later time.
I know relationships and communication are hard.
But when we find the right person, it's totally worth it.
In case you were thinking, well, great.
I do all these things.
What can I do if I still wanna be with them?
Well, here are four tips to turn any relationship around.
(upbeat music)
And number one, communicate.
I will always tell people to err on the side
of over-communicating.
Especially when our feelings are hurt.
Work to tell them what's upsetting you,
what hopes or assumptions you had,
and how they can make it right.
We have to talk to each other to make any relationship work.
So fight back against that urge to shut down
and instead reach out and tell them what's going on.
Next, number two.
Be honest about your faults.
I know this one is hard.
But it helps if we just admit
that there are things we aren't good at.
For example, I could say to Sean that
I know I struggle wanting to people please all the time.
And so I can say yes to something
when I really mean to say no.
Welcome my life, right?
This part doesn't aim to fix anything,
but it does aim to help build trust and understanding
and most importantly, connection.
So own up to your own issues and your role in the argument
because it takes two to argue,
even if one of us is shutting down,
we're still participating, right?
So owning up can really help.
Moving on to number three
and this one should have been obvious.
Apologize.
When we've done something wrong or hurt someone's feelings,
we need to say sorry.
And not that fake apology shit
that like I'm so sorry you feel that way.
That's like an un-apology,
because you're apologizing for how they feel.
You're not acknowledging your fault or true intention.
And no one is perfect.
We will do things that hurt those we love,
usually because we weren't thinking clearly
or completely by accident.
But we'll need to own up to it and say we're sorry.
And fourth and finally, learn to compromise.
I know it sucks to what is it?
Like (singing)I can't always get what you want,
(normal voice) but you can't.
And if we wanna be with someone,
we're gonna have to put the relationship itself first
and find a way to meet in the middle.
So if you have some non-negotiables,
communicate those and then give in
in the places where maybe it isn't that important.
We have to work with our partners to move forward.
Being unwilling to compromise
will just keep us where we are.
I hope you found that helpful.
Like I said, there are so many other things
that I could have mentioned.
So feel free to leave any others in the comments down below.
Have a wonderful week and I will see you next time.
(upbeat music)