Hello everyone, Tutu Mora here. Today we are going to talk about
boundaries. So, as many of us are working from home or
staying at home more frequently, it's even more important to
understand, and perhaps even renegotiate, the boundaries that we have in place.
Boundaries are in place in order to protect our energy
and to protect the time that we have for ourselves,
the time that we have for our partners, for our kids,
for our work, for our friends, for our family instead of just being
available all the time, which can feel super draining.
And so, now more than ever, it's probably a really good time just to take a second
to look at that. And some ways that you might feel
that you need to take another look at your boundaries or if you feel like you
just don't have enough time for everything in the day,
or if you feel like you are always available to everyone all the time,
or if you feel like you've got some resentment in some of your relationships
right now, or if you feel like you're too wrapped
up or invested in the emotional experience of other people.
Another sign that you may need to take a look at your boundaries are if you're just
feeling overall drained and depleted.
And so, you know, once again, boundaries are
in place or we have the opportunity to put boundaries in place
to protect our own energy. So, if you've ever heard of the phrase: "Put your own
oxygen mask on first before helping others around you."
It's that same deal here. So, we want to make sure that we
are nourished and energized and whole feeling in order to show up for
ourselves and to show up for our work,
the people that we love - all the areas of our life.
So, it really starts with how we're able to protect that energy
for ourselves. So, some areas where you may feel like you need boundaries and
then we'll go into some like simple steps in how to put some
healthier boundaries in place, if you feel like you need them.
But, some areas where you feel like you may need some boundaries - I've made a
little list here. You may feel like you need boundaries
with your parents, with your kids, with your partner, your time,
your colleagues or your in-laws. Family, friends, neighbors, exes,
work, social media and yourself. So, basically every facet of your life
there's the opportunity for you to be having a healthy boundary in place that
not only facilitates some equal energy exchange, but also protects your
your energy. So, let's think through these steps of how to
create healthy boundaries. So, the first step is
where you might need to create a boundary.
So, in that list perhaps you felt right away: oh my gosh,
yes - that is where, you know, I just, I've been feeling a lot of resentment
build up and have been super, just resentful towards
that person because of x, y or z. So, where do you need
a healthier boundary? Scanning your relationships, maybe this is
an opportunity for you to do a short reflection or a journal
writing about this, but scanning your relationships and your routines,
your personal and professional commitments and where might you
feel depleted or resentful or like you're just going through the
motions. And so, taking a moment just to, perhaps, sit with that and feel into
where that opportunity for a healthier boundary exists. Then, maybe that
is also with yourself and we'll talk about that too.
So, once you have established where you feel like you need
a healthier boundary, the next step is to think through
why you need to create a healthier boundary. And this why is super important
because as we get further down these steps
coming back to the why is going to be super helpful in
re-grounding and recommitting yourself to that
boundary, because it can be super easy to slip back
into old patterns of behavior, right, but we're trying to commit to a
new and healthier pattern of behavior. So, why do you need to create a healthier
boundary? Maybe it's because you're just super tired. Maybe it's because you need
to make more time to exercise or you need more sleep or
you need some more quality time with your kids
or your partner or whatever that is - find your why,
and really feel into that. Really feel into why that's going to be good
for you and for the relationship. So, the next step then, is to make a decision
about where that boundary's gonna go. What is gonna change?
And really make that decision and don't apologize for it.
This decision is you voicing a need, you speaking up for yourself, you
standing up for yourself and protecting your energy.
So, this is a big act of self-care in voicing this need, in setting this
boundary. So, it's very easy, and we're conditioned
a lot of ways, to apologize for voicing something or for standing up for
ourselves. So, set that boundary. Try not to apologize for it and see if -
this is the fourth step - is stick to it. Which is going to be
super tricky for some people. So, holding yourself accountable to your
boundary is going to be a little bit tricky and
we'll walk through an example of this, but this is very important
why you want to ground yourself in that
why that you're setting the boundary, because once you've set it
and you feel like it's uncomfortable at first or the other person
or the other party is uncomfortable with it at first, you're going to want to
really remind yourself why are you doing this because it's for
the benefit of yourself and for everyone else around you.
And so, the fifth step, the last step here, is just kind of what we talked about, is
to release yourself from the outcome and then
remind yourself why you're doing this. So, very simple example here, and then
we'll talk through a couple others, is let's say you
sleep in bed with your dog and your dog is very big
and often moves around in bed and takes up all the space
and you're not able to sleep and you love your dog very much,
you love that time that you spent together, but you just you're just
exhausted and something has to change. So, you've got your
space where you need to set a healthier boundary, you've got your why -
because you need to get some sleep, and making a decision. So, perhaps your
decision is: the dog is going to sleep on a bed on
the floor in the bedroom. And so, you have your decision and now
you're going to stick to it. So, that first night
the dog is sleeping on the floor but wants to come up
and you've got to release yourself from that outcome, so hold yourself
accountable. So, the dog may be crying, the dog may be
looking super cute and wanting to come up, but you have to remind yourself:
"No, I need my sleep we're gonna we're gonna
try this dog sleeping on the floor." And so, hold yourself to it. See if you
can release that investment in
the dog's emotional experience in that moment and stick to it enough so that it
becomes a new pattern. And you guys are both in the same room
you still have that close bedtime routine together,
yet you have your space and you have the opportunity to get
a restful night's sleep. So, a couple other examples, just to bring it
back to working at home and living around,
you know, your family - you're all sort of in this same environment together.
And so, maybe you feel like you simply don't have enough time
for yourself right now or you don't have enough quality
time with your kids or your partner because
as you work from home, as you try to parent while you work,
as you try to be a partner while you work, as you try to give yourself
self-care amidst all of this, you find that you're
just giving half of yourself to everything
and nobody's really getting your full attention and the relationships are
starting to suffer a little bit as a result. And so,
this is an indication where a boundary,
renegotiating that boundary, is the perfect example. So,
this could look like, perhaps for the family, setting an earlier
bedtime for everybody. And so, why this might be
helpful is that it allows you, either to have
some time with your partner or with yourself
after your kids go to sleep. It may allow you to get
more sleep or it may allow you to, because you're going to bed early,
wake up a little bit earlier and have some time, perhaps, in the morning to
work out or stretch or move your body in a way that feels good
or meditate a little bit. And so, you've made a decision about this
earlier bedtime for everyone. And so, the next step is to voice that,
and obviously kids don't like going to bed earlier, so,
you know, how can you release yourself from that emotional experience instead
of just giving into it because it feels a little
bit easier? So, maybe that looks like, you know: "You can you can yell about this,
I know that it may not be the decision that you
like, so feel free to you know yell about it,
but we're still going to make it happen." It could look like saying: "I would
love to continue doing this with you tomorrow,
but we need to pack it in for tonight." Or it could look like
presenting a new kind of entertainment experience for that early
bedtime. For example my sister and I loved
listening to audiobooks before we fell asleep. And so, it could
be, you know, an audiobook story time
for that early bed, that earlier bedtime routine. So, bringing in a fun
aspect to soften the transition into that
new routine. But whatever it is, really reminding yourself
why you're doing it and releasing yourself from the outcome because when
a new boundary is put in place or a new routine comes in
or any kind of change, often people can be a little bit uncomfortable with it,
but reminding yourself of why you're doing this
is going to be the key to, you know, sticking
with that and holding yourself accountable.
And so, I hope that, you know, you find this
helpful. I know that this is a really trying time
and the fact that we can become so enmeshed in one another's experiences,
because we're living in close quarters or because home all the time might mean
the same thing is available all the time to some people, and that's just not the
case. We have to make sure to find small ways
to protect our energy and nourish ourselves
so that we can continue to show up for ourselves and the people that we love.
So once again, I hope you found this helpful
and feel free to like this video if you did find it helpful
or share some questions or experiences in the comments below. It's always
helpful for us to learn from one another's experiences
and I'll see you back here next time. I hope you take care.