FOLKS, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BIG WEEKEND--
BIG DOINGS.
FIRST OF ALL, I WANT TO SAY TO EVERYBODY HERE WHO WORKS AT THE
SHOW AND EVERYBODY WATCHING HAPPY 800th "LATE SHOW" WITH
STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT IS THE 800th SHOW.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: HOW MANY DID WE SAY WE WERE GOING TO DO?
OKAY, WE'RE GREAT.
AND A BIG WEEKEND COMING UP FOR US.
WE'RE ALL, THE WHOLE GANG, IS GOINGUTE TO LOS ANGELES FOR THE
EMMYS, AND WE'RE GOING STROA GOOD TIME.
MIGHT RUN INTO DONALD TRUMP OUT THERE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, HE'S OUT THERE PANNING FOR GOLD, OKAY.
HE HAD-- THAT WAS A BIG NUGGET OF GOLD IN THERE.
>> Jon: LOOKING FOR A LOT.
>> Stephen: HE IS FUNDRAISERS TODAY IN SILICON VALLEY AND LOS
ANGELES.
BUT BECAUSE HE'S SO UNPOPULAR IN CALIFORNIA, THE EVENTS WERE
SHROUDED IN SECRECY.
IN FACT, ATTENDEES AT TUESDAY'S EVENT WERE NOT EVEN PROVIDED
WITH THE ADDRESS OF THE LUNCH.
THOUGH, IT IS EASY TO FIND TRUMP'S LUNCH-- JUST FOLLOW THE
TRAIL OF KETCHUP PACKETS AND FILET-O-FISH WRAPPERS.
STILL, STILL--
THANK YOU.
FLIO FISH!
STILL, THE EVENTS SOLD OUT IN A HURRY.
ACCORDING TO ONE CALIFORNIA REPUBLICAN, "THEY'RE EXCITED
BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SURROGATES LIKE DON JR. COME OUT.
BUT THIS IS THE REAL THING."
( LAUGHTER )
THE REAL THING!
HOLLYWOOD WANTS TO SEE THE SPECIAL EFFECTS THAT MAKE TRUMP
SEEM SO LIFELIKE.
"OKAY, SO THE LEGS ARE HYDRAULIC, BUT THE HEAD APPEARS
TO BE A BURLAP BAG FILLED WITH STYROFOAM BEADS.
NICE, NICE!
FROM A DISTANCE!" NOW TRUMP, OF COURSE, IS A TV
GUY.
SO IT'S NO COINCIDENCE THAT HIS L.A. FUNDRAISER IS TAKING PLACE
DURING EMMY WEEK.
HE IS UP FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS
FOR SHARPIE ON A WEATHER MAP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOS ANGELES.
HE'S NOT POPULAR THERE, BUT HOLLYWOOD IS A THIN LAYER OF
DIRT SCATTERED OVER A POOL OF MONEY.
EVERYONE WANTS TO GET THEIR DRILL BIT THROUGH THAT CRUST
INTO THAT SWEET BUBBLIN' CASH CRUDE.
THEY'RE LARGELY LIBERAL, BUT THERE'S ENOUGH MONEY THAT
EVERYONE, NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE, GETS FUNDED.
TRUMP IS, LET'S SAY, "THE EMOJI MOVIE" OF CANDIDATES.
BUT SOMETHING WEIRD IS GOING ON HERE.
HIS INTERNAL POLLING MUST BE TERRIBLE, BECAUSE HE IS REACHING
OUT TO PEOPLE WHO WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
AND THIS TIME, IT'S NOT MELANIA.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, LAST NIGHT--
THANK YOU.
>> Jon: COLD-BLOODED!
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, THE PRESIDENT HELD A RALLY IN A
STATE HE LOST LAST TIME BY EIGHT POINTS, NEW MEXICO.
(AS TRUMP) "I LIKE MY MEXICOS LIKE I LIKE
MY WIVES: NEW."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO-- "I LIKE THAT NEW"-- SO AFTER FOUR YEARS OF DONALD
TRUMP THROWING LATINOS UNDER THE BUS THAT HE STOPPED AT THE
BORDER, BY SAYING THAT ILLEGAL AND LEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE ALL
COMING TO KILL US, TRUMP'S PLAN TO WIN IS TO WOO HISPANIC
VOTERS.
WOO, BOY.
BUENA SUERTE WITH THAT, EL TRUMPO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
RIGHT NOW, TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATING AMONG HISPANICS IS
25%.
SO, THIS IS LIKE CRUELLA DE VIL TRYING TO WOO SARAH McLAUCHLIN.
(AS TRUMP) ♪ IN THE ARMS OF THE ANGELS
FAR-A ♪ TRUMP MUST REALLY NEED
LOS HOMBRES HISPANICO BECAUSE HE LAID IT ON MUOY THICK:
>> YESTERDAY MARKED THE BEGINNING OF THE HISPANIC
HERITAGE MONTH.
WHO IS HISPANIC HERE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ASKING MINORITIES TO IDENTIFY THEMSELVES.
( LAUGHTER )
"OKAY, WHO HERE IS LATINO?
RAISE YOUR HANDS.
WHOAH.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT.
ROUND 'EM UP, BOYS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THEY'RE COMING AROUND THE MOUNTAIN WITH THAT.
♪ FAR AWAY ♪ THEN TRUMP SINGLED OUT AN
HISPANIC BUDDY IN THE CROWD, CABLE NEWS COMMENTATOR AND DATE
LETTING YOU KNOW HE IS WEARING A TIE, JUST NOT WHERE YOU THINK,
STEVE CORTES.
TRUMP TOLD THE CROWD WHAT MADE CORTES SO SPECIAL.
>> BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, THERE IS NOBODY THAT LOVES THIS
COUNTRY MORE OR HISPANIC MORE THAN JAMES CORDEN.
STEVE.
THANK YOU, STEVE.
NOBODY LOVES THE HISPANICS MORE.
WHO DO YOU LIKE MORE, THE COUNTRY OR THE HISPANICS?
>> Stephen: WHAT?
"WHO DO YOU LIKE MORE, STEVE, THE COUNTRY OR THE HISPANICS
BECAUSE I CAN'T DECIDE WHICH TO DESTROY FIRST.
TRUMP HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR HIS RACIST
IMMIGRATION POLICIES BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
>> I'M THE LEAST RACEST PERSON IN THIS ROOM.
>> Stephen: MAYBE, YOUR RALLIES DO SET A LOW BAR.
TRUMP HAS WEAKENED THE CLEAN WATER ACT, BUT HE TOLD THE CROWD
HE IS DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY, AN ENVIRONMENTIST.
>> I AM AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.
WE ARE GOING TO KEEP OUR NATION CLEAN, BUT YOU KNOW, THE
UNIVERSE IS SO BIG THAT WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT CHINA, THE U.S.A.,
INDIA, YOU TALK ABOUT THESE DIFFERENT PLACES WHERE A LOT OF
BAD STUFF COMES OUT, RIGHT?
IT'S SO BIG THAT IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
IT'S RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
>> Stephen: NO.
( LAUGHTER )
NOT AT ALL, ACTUALLY.
(AS TRUMP) "IT'S SO BIG, THAT THEY'RE RIGHT
NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
AND, IN A WAY, IT'S SO SMALL, THEY'RE FAR APART.
THE SAME WAY-- THE SAME WAY HISPANICS HATE ME SO MUCH THAT
LOVE ME.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?