Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you the ways in which you can be more vulnerable and more
emotionally expressive in your relationship.
And I really want you to stick around until the end of the video,
because this was something that I struggled with deeply in the beginning of my
relationship.
And so I really want you to stick around because what I realized here was that I
didn't need years and years of therapy to really understand how to be
expressive.
It just takes a different approach to understanding how to be expressive and how
to be open in your relationship.
In case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or marriages with
the right skills and with the right mindsets to be able to design a thriving
relationship for themselves. So if you want more content on this topic,
then I want you to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos three times every single week. Now,
real quick, before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my master class on
the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you want in on that masterclass,
be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on
that. Now,
before we get to the remedies of how you can be more expressive and more
vulnerable here,
I want to talk about the three root causes of why we tend to shut down
ourselves. The first reason here is the lack of ability,
and that's when maybe the problem has gotten so complex or that maybe the
ability that you have to articulate your feelings to articulate the multiple
layers of problems here is not enough. So this is when you tell yourself,
basically, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what to say.
And this is really when your mind usually goes blank and you suddenly don't know
what to say at all in a moment. The second reason here is the lack of trust.
And that is that you don't trust that if you express something to your partner
here over express your feelings, that anything good will really happen.
And this is when, in your mind, you're telling yourself basically,
you know what, what's the point of expressing this?
If one nothing's going to change or whatever changes happens,
it can't be to my benefit. It can be good changes.
And the third reason here's a lack of safety. And that's when you know,
you've tried expressing yourself a lot of times,
but every single time you express something, it usually causes some issues. Um,
some argument, some fights, or, you know,
some conflict in the relationship in general.
And so if you look at why you shut down,
you'll find that these three reasons usually rings true most of the time.
So they find that the reason why you shut down let's say is because of the lack
of ability here, how do we remedy that?
So the first thing you can try to do is you can try to put caveats to whatever
you're about to say. So for example, before you express,
whatever it is you want to express, you simply want to tell your partner here.
Like, you know what, I'm not sure what I'm feeling myself.
I'm not sure what the problems are myself, and just caution your partner,
that you know what I might not be articulating in the most,
in the best way possible. I might not make sense,
even because there are multiple layers to this problem.
And I'm not sure what the root problem is. Then once you put this caveat,
what you can do is you can express your worry here.
And your worry here is that you're you want your word,
that your partner might jump in and misinterpret something that you're saying
you might be worried that she might latch onto some incomplete thought that
you're having here. And you're thinking in your head,
that's not the point after you express your worry here.
You can go to the third step, which is express what you would love her to do.
So for example, you can say here, you know, I would love it.
If you could ask questions along the way and not latch onto anything that I'm
saying, per se. And I want us to try to figure this out together.
Is that okay?
And what you'll find here is that once you express these three things,
two are not only will you be able to see that your partner is actually an,
a prime the correct way in her own mind,
but you'll find that once you understand and see that your partner is prime
correctly, you will find it easier to express yourself.
And you don't need to start in this perfect way,
but you can simply start anywhere you want,
and your partner is there to help you build the discovery together. Now,
the key thing here is that don't get angry or upset if she doesn't
do this, or she breaks your rules. You know,
if your partner has a tendency to shut you down or to latch onto something
premature that you said that is some intense programming on her side,
that you need to be able to coach each other on, to work on that together.
And it's not going to be solved in just one conversation by you say,
telling her one time, Hey,
can we please do this and expect her to just change her programming completely.
It doesn't work that way.
And we're going to talk about how we can coach each other,
how we can go about coaching your partner to listen to you better and to create
a safe environment for you in the long haul. But again,
if you go back to the three pronged thing that you can say here,
the reason why this works so well, and why it's so important is that one,
it primes your partner's brain to think about the right things,
to have the right approach in a beginning of the conversation.
And only that even if she breaks your rules,
even if she doesn't follow what you just asked her to,
it gives you a great opportunity.
It makes it easier for you to call that out explicitly to her to say, Hey,
I thought we talked about this. Can we please go back to doing that either way?
It really lowers the resistance on you for you to express herself. Now,
what if the issue here is the lack of trust and that you're not really sure that
expressing anything to your partner, we're really making any changes,
because one, you are afraid. She might not understand.
You are afraid that nothing will really change.
What's the point or even sharing anything.
And when I look at the experience of all my clients here,
usually what I find is that the reason why,
whatever you express is not being taken properly or doesn't yield proper
or real changes in the relationship,
it's because you don't often know how to get an emotional agreement to
something. So for most people, for example,
when they're trying to bring up a suggestion and the relationship, they try,
tend to make statements. So they might say, for example,
I would like you to do XYZ.
And when you make a statement like this one,
your partner may not always have the chance to actually agree, fully agree,
or fully disagree with whatever you just said.
So often you might find that your partner says sure, or okay,
and logically your partner might be saying, okay, and sure, but emotionally,
she might not actually be okay with it. Now, when that happens,
when there's this incongruence between the logical side and the emotional side,
so the logical side wanting to do something and agreeing to something,
but the emotional side, not agreeing to it,
then that is where you get some inconsistent actions on your partner's part.
That is where your partner will tell you, basically. Sure. I'll try to do it,
but you find that she doesn't actually do it because her emotions haven't caught
up.
And so I want you to change the way in which you bring up suggestions in your
relationship. And this comes in six parts.
So the first thing is that when your adrenaline bring up a suggestion,
I want you to do it in two parts. One is,
I want you to ask for permission first from her to say, Hey,
I do have a suggestion in mind. Do you mind if I share it with you?
Do you mind if I tell you about it and wait for your partner to say yes or no
here? And you might think, for example, that this is such a beta thing to do.
This is such a weak thing to do, but this is actually a very,
very smart thing to do. Why?
Because it primes your partner's brain to basically listen to what you have to
say next. So it actually adds power to what you're about to say next.
And once your partner says, sure, let me hear you out here.
You want to follow the next step, which is giving your suggestions.
But when you give your suggestions, don't just make a statement, end it with a,
what do you think? Or how do you feel about that? What do you think about that?
So you might say, for example, you know, I was thinking we could try ABC,
you know, I could try this and you could try that, doing that.
How do you feel about that? What do you think about that?
And the final question that you put there turns this statement into more of a
dialogue. And so now your partner is free to say yes or no. And if she says,
yes, that is great. You have an agreement there, but if she says no,
then that is perfect because that is you revealing her emotional objection
there, which is a good thing. So if you have this emotional objection,
go back to the questioning stage and ask her, okay.
It seems like you don't agree with that. Tell me more about your thoughts there.
Tell me more about why you think that's such a bad idea.
And as you're digging deeper here,
you're going to find more and more and more instances or more and more insights
into why she's disagreeing with that in science that you may not be aware of at
this point.
And once you feel like you understand and got to the core of what she wants to
confirm that by trying to recap. So you might say, for example, Hey, you know,
if I understand you correctly, you're saying X, Y, and Z, is that correct?
And if she says, yes, then move on to your suggestion. But if she says no,
here then go back to the question you stage again, and ask, okay.
It seems like I haven't gotten to the root core.
Maybe I'm missing something here. Tell me more about that. But if she says, yes,
you know, at this point you will have enough of an insight,
enough of a new level of understanding to be able to give a new win-win
recommendations. You might say again, okay,
how about we try this instead? And you can try this. I can try this.
How do you feel about that? She might say, for example, sure. That makes sense.
And that's how you come to an agreement, an emotional agreement.
And once you come to an emotional agreement like that,
where both logic and emotions are fully caught up and they're aligned together,
that is how you normally get your partner to say, sure, let's do it,
but also get your partner to follow through on whatever it is you just agreed
on.
And this is the spot where she wants to make the changes that you're proposing,
and she wants to do it voluntarily. And when that happens,
the likelihood that she will follow through and actually make it a serious
thing to follow through on becomes much higher. Because again,
the logic and the emotions there are fully aligned. No, again,
don't get angry here. If your partner breaks your rules, right?
It's part of being human to sometimes fail,
to do something that you promise to do. You do the same thing now,
what is your faith? This last problem here with just the lack of safety problem.
What is the remedy for that there, where, you know,
you've tried expressing stuff to your partner many times,
but then every time you try to express something to her,
it never ever ends in a good way.
So you kind of stop expressing stuff to your partner.
So the first thing is something we already talked about here,
which is understanding the right way to bring up difficult topics. So again,
when we often bring up difficult topics, we go from zero to 100, very,
very fast. So you might say, for example, Hey, you got to stop doing XYZ.
If you are used to bringing things up in a zero to a hundred way like this,
what happens is your partner's guards will always go up.
She will get very defensive and she will react to you in a very, very bad way.
And this will solely condition you to understand that every time I express
something to my partner, she lashes back at me.
And so this destroys your safety on your side,
but understand that once you learn how to bring up things in a correct way,
in a more healthy way, that doesn't raise your partner's guards up,
then that creates a whole new cycle here where you can slowly start to feel
safer as you realize, you know what?
My partner is actually responding to me in a, in a pretty civilized way,
in a pretty calm way as well. And again,
the way you do that is by asking for permission first,
wait for her to say yes or no. If she says, no, don't express it to her.
She's not ready to listen to that. Just retreat and say, you know what?
I get it. Maybe you're not,
maybe that's not the best time for you just know that, you know,
whenever you're ready, I'm ready to talk about this. Uh,
it is something that's been on my mind, but if she says, yes,
then go ahead and proceed with telling her what you think.
But when you tell her what you think,
don't use words like you don't make assumptions about what she feels,
what she thinks, always use the words, I, for example, so you might say,
you know, I've been feeling this or from my perspective,
this has been happening, then end it with, what do you think?
How do you feel about that? That final question again is very,
very crucial and using the word I hear and not the word you, for example,
it's important, because again,
you are only expressing something from your own perspective.
You're not making assumptions about what she feels you don't making assumptions
about what is happening with her.
And even if the observation you're making let's say is about what she's feeling.
So you might say, for example, um, I feel like you're feeling this.
That is okay to say,
but at least you are presenting it as your own perspective to say,
here's my perspective on this thing. And not an assumption, a statement,
a hardcore blame that you're doing here. And even if you ask this question,
let's say you ask her, Hey, um, you know, I've been thinking about XYZ.
What do you think about that? And she resists you. She lashes back at you.
That's another opportunity for you to coach her on that. So you might say,
for example, well, you know how, um,
you always tell me that the issue that I have is not being able to be open.
Can you tell you something of why I struggled to be open and wait for her to say
yes or no? And when she says yes, tell her basically, you know,
the reason why I struggled to be open is that I,
I do feel the lack of safety in this relationship.
And I think the response that I'm getting right now is the very thing that I'm
talking about is that whenever I express something to you,
I feel like I'm being punished. What do you think about that?
And to see that even if you're facing some resistance here, right?
That's a good opportunity for you to actually bring up that resistance as a
topic of discussion, but bring it up in a correct way as we discussed earlier.
No. Why is, does this work so well and why is this so crucial?
Because it makes it more likely for her to be okay with a topic that you bring
up because you're bringing up these things up in a correct way.
And even if she resists,
you can always call out their resistance and basically show her like,
you know what the fact that you're resisting right now is exactly why I feel
unsafe, why I can express myself and just knowing in your mind that, you know,
even if she resists, even if she lashes back at you,
that's actually another opportunity for you to bring up this resistance and
bring up this topic as a conversation.
It makes it feel safer for you to actually express yourself. Because again,
the worst case scenario here is that you can bring up that resistance.
It gives you an opportunity to bring up their resistance.
And even if you cannot break through that resistance, right?
Understanding how to retreat is also very important here,
where if let's say you bring up the resistance to your partner and your partner
still is just going to circle on you,
then you simply want to acknowledge the resistance again to say, okay,
it seems like you're not ready to talk about this right now. You know,
then you can express your desire to talk about this in a very calm way,
in a very nonthreatening way. So you can say, for example,
in what I still want to talk to you about this,
I still want to talk to you about this in a very calm way,
in a very nonthreatening way.
And then you also want to try to praise and trust that she can deal with this in
a calm way, right? So you might say, for example, you know what?
I know that you're, you can be calm. I, we talked about,
we had good conversations before where you are calm. We both are calm.
And you know, I trust that when the time is right,
that you can commonly talk about this.
I just want you to know for now the doors always open,
and then I'm ready to talk about this whenever you're ready.
So just end it with, by leaving the door open there.
And that's just a nice way that you can retreat here where you are still
praising her and trusting her that she can talk about it calmly instead of
punishing her for not talking comedy, right?
A big difference here in how most people operate.
So most people will try to insult or blame her.
Why can't you just talk about this calmly instead,
we're expressing this in terms of praise and trust you,
which is much healthier and you're simply leaving your door open.
So you're always planting the right seeds here, even if you're retreating.
So once you understand that, you know,
even resistance creates more opportunities.
And even if you cannot break through that resistance,
the worst thing that can happen is you simply plant your seeds.
Then that increases the confidence in you,
increases the trust in yourself and increases the likelihood that you're going
to be more open about things in your relationship. Now, before I end this video,
I want to give you three more mindset shifts that you need to think about during
this whole phase. The first one is farm don't hunt.
If you've been watching my videos, you will know these principles very well,
which is that as you coach her on what you'd like to do here,
what you'd like to happen, have the expectation that the results here,
the changes might take awhile to come,
that you might not get the changes you want today,
like hunting the immediate gratification,
but just like farming the seeds you plant today.
It may not germinate and grow until weeks or months later.
So have some patience on her on that,
and also have some patients for yourself that as you're solely generating the
safety generating, that ability generating that trust,
it might take a while for you to generate all those three things as well.
So if you're not being able to be vulnerable and open today or tomorrow,
that is okay,
but how the mentality of a farmer were simply planning our seeds today and
expect longer-term results and understand also that all relationships here have
issues.
And the good ones are just the ones that are able to communicate about it
properly. So, you know,
if you're not expressing yourself because you're afraid of bringing up issues of
rocking the boat,
then you're having the Roman totality there because the point of relationships
is not to have no problems is to have many problems and being able to
solve those problems together and come to win, win together.
And the way you do that is by learning how to communicate properly.
So don't panic or go crazy. Whenever something bad happens,
whenever your partner relapses, whenever you relapse,
just relax and slowly coach and communicate each other in a correct way as we
discussed in this video.
And the last thing here is that the massive changes here can start with you
again. So, you know, a lot of people, for example,
when they're thinking about generating safety, they hear the concept of safety.
They think about how is my partner not creating a safety for me,
but as you can see here, in examples that we gave,
when you start to change your approach,
you might find that your partner actually becomes calmer,
becomes less defensive.
And that actually creates a safety within yourself as well.
So you are always perpetuating a positive cycle or a negative cycle,
whether you're conscious of this or not.
And sort of the things that we talk about in this video is teaching you how to
basically start a more positive cycle in your relationship and starting that
positive cycle starts with yourself. Now, of course,
there's so many levels to what we're talking about in this video. You know,
the how on the execution of these things,
of how you can be more vulnerable here and so on. Um,
that's the parts that are really difficult to grasp.
So if you want to learn these skills more effectively in a much faster way,
then you want to join me in my free master class in a five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground. Up in that master class,
I'll show you basically the exact process that all my students have used to go
from a brink of a divorce to them,
rebuilding the relationship to a point where they can honestly say that they can
thrive.
And only that also give you some more mindset shifts so that you can start to
break the cycle of your relationship and actually change your partner's
behavior. And if you change your partner's behavior,
you also create the safety trust and allow yourself to be more vulnerable in a
relationship. So if this MasterCard sounds interesting to you,
I want you to click the link above my head and also the,
the link introduction box below or in the comment box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a free guide that allows you to, um,
lead conversations better, and you know,
the conversations that never really lead to arguments or escalate into something
bad, really then you also want to download my free guide above my head,
or also down in the comments below or in the description box below this video as
well. And if you're looking for a community, uh,
where you can post your questions and actually get good advice on your questions
from other members or even myself,
then you also want to click the link down below this video to join my free
Facebook group on that. In the meantime, I do want you to leave a comment below.
What did you find most insightful, most eyeopening in this video,
leave a comment below. I'd love to hear your thoughts. In the meantime,
if you find this video to be valuable and you liked this video,
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I can equip you with the right skills and with the right knowledge,
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I will see you in the next.
Video.