- Footballers Attempt The Hand of God… Starring... - The Frontmen!
- The Frontmen - Every single week...
MESSI
I already scored a Hand of God in 2007, so this will be easy
Yes!
- Hi Lionel - Ronald, sorry for the bad news, but I just scored with my hand
- And - Well, as per the terms of my contract...
- ...I get a bonus for scoring with my hand. - Oh no. How much?
- 50m Euros. - WHAT?!!
MESSI SCORES...
85
Well done Lionel, that’s the first time you’ve lived up to the standards set by Maradona
Well why did you give me a 1?
Because I couldn’t help but notice you’d didn’t do it in an Argentina kit. Not for the first time.
RONALDO
Sii! - Too easy… higher!
Now that is how you score a hand of God...
RONALDO SCORES...
- Thank you! Thank you! But a 1 from Luis. How come? - Well, I figured Maradona was higher than you when he scored that goal
- Bullshit! I leapt 100 times higher than him! - No, I meant he was a lot higher… on cocaine
So you deducted 9 points for me for not using a class a drug?
- Yes - You are an idiot
SUAREZ
Haha! I’m a genius!
SUAREZ SCORES...
- 30! Come on! - You didn’t even use your own hand!
- What? You didn’t say it had to be my hand - And you’re still doing biting jokes? That was 6 years ago - get some new material!
Hey don’t blame me, blame the tired and repetitive scriptwriter!
WERNER
You can do this Timo!
Argh! - Yes! Turbo Timo finds the back of the net! At last!
WERNER SCORES...
- 96! YES! Turbo Timo is BACK! - Timo, I’ve got news. We’ve sold you to a team in The Bundesliga!
Yes, my Chelsea hell is over!!! I’m going back to a league where they play proper football!
- Football? No, we’ve sold you to the Volleyball Bundesliga. - What?!
- Is that even a thing? - Ja. Best of luck Timo…
- Chelsea sucks. - Now to sell Kai Havertz to the Basketball Bundesliga…
NEYMAR
A Hand of God with some Brazilian flavour!
Ball to hand! - Ball to hand!
My hands are in a natural position! - Play on!
Argh! Samba! Samba!
And now for the big finale!
Goal!
NEYMAR SCORES...
- 30?! I’m so misunderstood. - Your skills were immense.
- So why the 0s? - You scored an own goal.
Oh, yes. Shit. I just got lost in all the showboating.
MBAPPE
- Thierry Henry? What the hell? - Sorry Kylian, it’s an addiction
MBAPPE SCORES...
- 20? It’s not my fault I had my chances ruined by Thierry Henry. - Sadly you just had the luck of the Irish. Hahahaha.
MULLER
I scored with a Hand of Cod HAHAHAHA!
MULLER SCORES...
- Zero? - Shit puns just aren’t funny.
- And neither is alliteration, Turbo Titface. Hand of Cod was hilarious! - The judges disagree
And they say Germans have no sense of humour. I knew I should have gone with my backup material....
The hand of COD.... The hand of Zod...
- Who? - General Zod - from Superman.
- Holy shit, they’re getting worse - Hand of rod?
Okay last one… Hand of Todd! Cantwell.
- Okay, that’s a 10 from me! - Ja! Result! CUT!
I’ll save my Maradonakebab joke for the final scores scene.
SALAH
Score with the hand of god? I know a guy!
- Robbie Fowler! - Also knowed as: God
Yes!
He even sniffs the white lines after scoring - classic Maradona!
SALAH SCORES...
- 10? - Ringers are strictly forbidden!
And neither is the reference to sniffing class a substances.
What’s the problem? Robbie assures me he was only snorting the grass like Rigobert Song!
Oh, you feel for that too? Rest in peace, Gerard Houllier
LEWANDOWSKI
No way! I only score legitimate goals! I’m out.
Don’t worry Robert, I know a guy!
Ja! Hahahaha!
LEWANDOWSKI SCORES...
20. How did I even get that much. Ringers are strictly forbidden.
- Precisely, Robert. - I can’t wait to see what the Wolves tiktok account posts about Leno this time!
GRIEZMANN
Griezmann’s the word bitches!
- Antoine, you’re in the form of your Barcelona career! - Finally!
- I never doubted you for a second. - Hi Lionel
Ronald, sorry for the bad news, but Antoine just scored with his hand...
- And? - Well, as per the terms of my contract...
- ...I get a bonus for a teammate scoring with their hand. - Oh no. How much?
- 100m Euros. - What?!! Who agreed to this contract!
GRIEZMANN SCORES...
- 85! I’m so happy I could cry. - Don’t cry Antoine. Get a celebratory haircut instead... Oh, it honks
HAALAND
System malfunction…
HAALAND SCORES...
- Zero… - Well this explains his machine like goal scoring record...
- It looks so real… - Systems online - Hi, I’m Erling Haaland.
- Are you a robot? - I’m a cybernetic organism. I was sent from the future...
- To kill me?! - To out score you
- Who sent you. - Pele did.
Pah Pele. What is his problem?
FINAL SCORES
- Timo Werner wins! - And more importantly - Ronaldo finishes above Messi!
Turbo Timo! Winner of The Frontmen Episode 2.8! - At least I won something in my time in England...
- And Cut! - No, wait! I didn’t do my MaraDona kebab jok-...
- Hit subscribe! - Hit like! Our aim is 61k
Which is approximately how high I can jump in metres.
And checkout the other Frontmen videos
Starring me, the greatest goalscorer of all time! And some other schmucks… Sii!