How a surprisingly simple model can help you influence others without alienating them.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins and the model that I have to share with you
is essential for anyone who is a leader a parent or someone who influences others.
There's some good news and some bad news. I'm going to share both with you. So, that by the end of this
video, you'll know how to have influence, and don't worry the bad news isn't that bad. Here's what I've
learned as a professional psychologist influence is not about how smart you are or how cute you
are or how loudly you can speak. It turns out that influence is more about your focus where your mind
is and that's really part of the good news. Because you can choose where your focus is and practice it
on purpose. The model that I'll be sharing with you is best understood visually and I've even
got a pdf copy for you if you will go to the url that's on the screen right now drpauljenkins.com/influence.
Go grab the pdf version. You can print this out. You can follow along as
we have this conversation. I think it's going to make a whole lot more sense to you. When I said
it's all about your focus, notice that your focus can be on how I feel or how you feel. Now, I'm using
first person here so that you can own it, alright. So, consider when you see the word I on the model,
it's you and when you see the word you it's whoever it is that you're interacting with.
It might be the people that you're leading or your kids if you're a parent. That's how
I've designed the model. So, we've got this red column how I feel and the yellow column how you
feel. You with me? Now, let's look at one more dimension. You'll notice on the red row is about me
and the blue row is about you. So, first, we're talking about the feelings and now we're talking
about the content is my focus about me, that's the red line or is it about you, that's the blue line.
Now, here's where it really gets exciting. When we combine the columns and the rows
and you'll notice the colors blend that's very convenient because it gives us a way to talk about
each of these quadrants. Now, we have a red quadrant which is how I feel about me. We've got an orange
quadrant which is how you feel about me and then when we drop down to the bottom we've got a purple
quadrant which is how I feel about you and then there's the green quadrant which is how you feel
about you. Let's talk about each of these quadrants individually. I think you're going
to see some ways that this applies. First of all, that red quadrant, this is how I feel about me.
Think about that for just a minute. If my focus is on how I feel about me. Am I smart enough?
Am I cute enough? Am I competent? Do I have this? Am I prepared? Can I do this? am I good enough?
Those are all red thoughts. When we're in the red we predictably feel self-consciousness. Now, I'm not
talking about a healthy sense of self-awareness. I'm talking about that anxious, "Oh, am I good enough?",
kind of a feel. That's where we are in the red. Now, is red always negative? No, not necessarily
but it's risky. Because anytime our focus is on how we feel about ourselves we are subject to
that self-consciousness even if it's positive. "Oh, I think I'm doing a good enough job", and sometimes
that can feel very tenuous because something could change at any time. Anytime the focus is
on ourselves, that's what we're going to experience. Alright, now, let's move to that orange quadrant.
Now, my focus is on how you feel about me? Do you like me? Do you think I'm good enough,
smart enough, cute enough? Do you think I'm prepared? Do you think I did a pretty good job on that?
Do you think I can pull this off? Okay, that's all orange. The risk when our focus is in orange
is insecurity. Can you see that? Welcome back to junior high everybody because it's all
about, "Oh, do I fit in?", "Are they going to like me?". Do you see it? This is based on external
validation. I only feel okay if you feel good about me. See, how you feel about me, that's the
orange. Now, whether it's red or orange we have the same problem, anxiety. Remember, I'm a professional
psychologist and this is part of where anxiety comes from when our focus is all about me.
Whether it's how I feel about myself or how you feel about me, I am likely to struggle with anxiety.
My daughter shared with me an insight about this. A couple of years ago she was doing some volunteer
missionary service for our church and when she would write home she would express how she was
feeling and there was a time period when she was having quite a bit of anxiety and then I remember
one of her letters home where she said and I love this as a father. She said, "Dad, I figured it out", I'm
like, "What? What did you figure out?", she said, "Every time I feel anxiety it's all about me and I found
out that if I just go out there and serve people. If I'm not thinking about me if my focus isn't
about me, I can get out of the anxiety", brilliant. Notice where your anxieties are and probably
it has something to do with your focus and it's probably about you. Just notice that. Now, I'm not
here to tell you how to think. I just want you to see that you are and where your focus is matters.
Let's see what we've got left on our quadrants. Let's go to that purple quadrant next. Now, my
focus is on how I feel but this time it's about you. Do I like you? Do I think you
are smart enough, cute enough, prepared? Do you have it? Do you have what it takes? Do I approve of you?
This incidentally is where parents get stuck a lot of the times. Because as a parent look
at where our focus is. A lot of times our focus is on how we feel about our kids
and what they're doing and whether we approve of them. Just notice that. The pitfall that we run
into in that purple quadrant is criticism. Now, criticism doesn't have to be real or
intended as long as it's perceived it creates the same kind of results and when my focus is purple
on how I feel about you then you are likely to feel judged or criticized and incidentally this is
true even if it's positive. Even if it's positive picture that for a minute. I pat you on the head,
"Oh, I approve of you", yeah like what gives me the authority to approve of you
or not? Do you see how judgmental that is? Do you see how that could be perceived as criticism
even if it's not intended as such and often it's negative. Oh, you could be doing better.
Yeah, when's that gonna stop being true by the way. But notice the focus when it's about how I
feel about you, you are likely to feel criticized. Please keep that in mind if you are a leader
or a parent or someone of influence. Now, whether it's red or purple we run into the same problem,
it's judgment. It's either that anxious, am I good enough self-judgment of the red or it's that
critical hey, do I approve of you or not, judgment of the purple. Either way, it's judgment.
So, how do you like your options so far? Not so much, right? This is where we get stuck in that
red or orange and the anxieties of those or the judgment of red or purple. Don't like our options
so well, let's go green. Moving into the green quadrant, this is where it's no longer about me.
It's not about me and how I feel is only secondary. Now, my focus is on how you feel about you.
This is powerful. This is what I'm calling the influence quadrant. Think for just a minute of the
people in your life who have been green for you. Can you think of some? I can think of one. My little
league basketball coach, Coach Klein big burly german guy and I remember him pulling me aside one
day after a basketball game. I was not very good folks. I didn't have sweet skills when I was that
little pipsqueak basketball player. But he pulled me aside put his arm around me and he said, "Paul,
thank you for coming. e couldn't have done this without you". Coach Klein was green, he cared about
how I felt about myself. It wasn't about him. How he felt was only secondary. I mean, I had other coaches
who were very very purple and they would say, "No, you can do better. You can do better. Come on."
Which is true, but I felt judged okay criticized. You go green
and two things start to happen. Now, this is where I promised you some good news and
some bad news. The good news is as you look at the whole model. When you go green people will
love you. They will be drawn to you. They will want to follow you. You will have influence but
here's the bad news. If you're doing it for that purpose it's not green. If you're doing it because
you want people to love you that's orange. See, now your focus is on how other people feel about you.
If you're doing it because you want to influence people that's not green that's purple. Because
now your focus is on how you feel about them and obviously they need your influence or your help.
It has to be genuine. I said the bad news isn't too bad because you get to choose where your focus is.
It's got to be genuine. This simple model changes the game when we're talking about influence.
I hope you can find some ways to apply that right now in your leadership, in your parenting,
in the way that you can influence others. Okay, I've walked you through it. Make sure you get
your copy I'll send you a pdf summary of what we just talked about along with the visual
drpauljenkins.com/influence. I'll put it right in your inbox.