I'm here today to give you 6 powerful strategies about how to save your
marriage from divorce. Let's jump right in.
You got to give up your need to be right. Buddy of mine, Brett Williams who's
actually been here on the channel before. He wrote this book. You Can Be Right Or
You Can Be Married. Isn't that kind of funny? But it's also very true. And I
think Brett would agree that the biggest barrier to marital happiness is when we
cling to our need to be right. And we know that we're right. Think about it.
It's not that you think you're right. You know you're right. And knowing that we're
right has us treating each other terribly. We got to give up our need to
be right. In exchange maybe for being open. Whatever it is that's bugging you
right now about your marriage, just notice that you've got a position about
that. And that you know you're right and somebody else is wrong and you know who
that is, don't you? So, we got to give that up in exchange
for being open. Now, this is easier said than done.
If you need a little bit of assistance with that, please consider getting some
coaching or some counseling. Connecting with one of our programs that will help
you to wrap your head around that and ways that you can actually do it. Give up
your need to be right. The next strategy: Listen more. I mean a lot more. And I also
mean more than you talk. Friend of mine told me years ago, "Hey, Paul. You got 2
ears and one mouth. And if we use them in that proportion I think we're going to
get a little more on track." Here's what I've noticed as I've worked with couples:
Everybody is interested in sharing their thoughts. You know, their ideas about what
needs to happen and they know that they're right. We already talked about
that. To turn this around, you've got to listen
more. Think about how that's going to play out for you. What if in your next
interaction with your spouse, instead of trying to communicate all those
important things that you've got to communicate, you simply listen and you
listen for a specific purpose. In the communication coaching that I do with
these couples, we make a big deal out of listening to understand. The letters in
the word listen are the same as the letters in the word silent. Which is
probably coincidental but it's really important to be silent. And to abandon
those agendas that start clamoring around in our head that has us... Yes, we're
being silent but instead of listening to understand, we're being silent while we
dream up our rebuttal. While we think of our response; while we identify all the
ways that what we're listening to is not true or accurate and how we're going to
counteract that. It's not what we're going to do. When you listen more, you listen
simply with the goal to understand. And here's a tip to help with that: Postpone
your need to be understood until your spouse is 100% satisfied that you
understand them. And you'll know this when you get the feedback from them that
says, "Yes, thanks for listening." And it might even be an exasperation. "Finally,
you're listening to me." We'll take that as a sign that you're listening more.
That's an important strategy. Strategy number 3 is to be positive. I train
people all the time about this. And before I forget, if you haven't yet
picked up a free copy of my book --Pathological Positivity, what are you
waiting for? There's a link down in the description DrPaulJenkins.com. I'm
going to give this to you for free. You just pick up the shipping. And when I say be
positive. I'm not talking the trite fluffy motivational speaker version of
just think positive. I'm talking about the power and the
science and the psychology behind 2 processes that are going on in your mind
all the time and you can't turn them off. I want you to be able to operate the
equipment properly so that you can show up better in your relationships. This is
a foundational starting place. All the coaching that I do, all the training that
I do is based on this version of positivity that is actually a powerful
model. So, get connected to that. The next strategy that I'm going to share with
you, I'll put a little context around as Vicki and I are exercising in the
mornings. She has hung up several printouts of little mantras that she got
from one of her coaches Jody Moore. And one of them says, "My husband is not here
to meet my needs. My husband is here so I'll have someone to love." I love that as
a husband. Now, it could say wife. "My wife is not there to meet my needs. My wife is
there so I'll have someone to love." And along those lines in that context, I want
to encourage you in this next strategy to seek to serve. Seek to serve. Let's get
your focus for a minute off of having your own needs met and all of those
expectations. Some of them unrealistic that your spouse is supposed to fill
your needs or provide for you or serve you. While that may be true, it's not
helpful. So, shift your focus. Seek to serve. And ask yourself, "What can I do to
enhance or uplift or edify my spouse?" You take it on. You want to save this
marriage from divorce? This is a powerful shift and it's a paradigm shift where
you start to look for how can you contribute. What can you give? How can
you serve?" Seek to serve. Strategy number 5. Now my promise just 6 and I'll
get to all 6. Strategy number 5: Be quick to forgive. Now, there's 2 levels
where I want you to consider this. Obviously, your spouse. Because your
spouse is going to do things that are stupid and boneheaded and maybe even
mean or rude. That's going to happen. And especially if you're concerned about "Is
this relationship even going to last?" If you're trying to save your marriage from
divorce, then guaranteed you've been hurt. You've got to be quick to forgive. Now,
forgiveness is something that doesn't mean that you're saying that what
happened was okay. And it's not letting somebody off the hook for their
misbehavior. It's simply detaching yourself emotionally from whatever it is
that has occurred. I love the way one of my colleagues put this. He said,
"Forgiveness is giving up your demand for a better past." And that is powerful. I
love that. Here's the other dimension where I'm asking you to apply this. With
yourself. Be quick to forgive yourself. I had a client here in my office not too
long ago who was feeling so guilty and ashamed that she had given her husband
this other chance and that he hurt her again. And she said, "What kind of a fool
am I?" Well be quick to forgive yourself. I believe that you and your spouse are
doing the best that you know how to do with the resources that you currently
have. And I hold that belief about most people in general. I believe that that's
true. Let's focus on that and be quick to detach ourselves from the grievances,
from the hurt, from the pain from the history that's brought us to this point.
Detach from that emotionally so that we create an opportunity to move forward
with something new. Remember forgiveness is giving up your demand for a better
past. And the final strategy. I've saved till the last because
I think this is actually one of the most powerful ones. Choose love. One of the
books that I wrote is called the Love Choice. I did this in collaboration with
17 professional speakers where we all submitted essays on the topic of love.
And then that was compiled into a book. My particular contribution to that book
had to do with love as a choice. Now, I'm a psychologist, okay? I understand that
there are emotional components and that there are relational definitions of love.
I'm simply defining it as a choice. And I don't think that there's a neutral
option. I think every interaction you have with your spouse will fall on one
side or the other. Either it's a love choice or a hate choice. Now, I use the
word hate because people hate that word. And it'll get your attention. But if it's
not love, what is it? I think that's the opposite. And it's either a little or a
lot. Everything that you say, everything that you do, every interaction you have
is going to fall on one side or the other. And you have a choice. Choose love.
It's always a choice and it's always the best choice when it comes to
relationships. Up next is how to divorce proof your
marriage. Make sure you watch that video and other videos here on the channel in
the positive relationships resources playlist. We've also got a lot of
resources available to you. The best way to connect with that immediately is to
connect with your free copy of pathological positivity. I'll ship it to
you. You cover the shipping, I'll cover the book. Does that sound like great deal?
Click over to DrPaulJenkins.com and we'll get you started right away.