- Now, when I hear
that particular understanding of demisexuality,
my first initial reaction
is well, doesn't everyone kind of feel like that?
But obviously that's not the case.
(upbeat music)
Hey guys, it's Kat,
and it's time for another episode of "True Tea."
I wanna thank you yet again for joining me
for another episode of "True Tea."
We do these podcast episodes every single month
and we do a call on show the following Wednesday
where I ask you guys to share with me
your brew of true tea.
Speaking of which we now are doing our call in show
through our Discord.
We will still continue to be broadcasting the call-ins
but we will be doing it predominantly on Discord.
The Discord shuts down completely in between shows,
so if you wanna join for the call-in show
there will be a Discord link in the description box
so you know exactly how to jump over
to join the conversation.
Anyway, in this episode we're gonna be having a conversation
about some stuff that I know already
is probably going to upset some people.
But this was a genuine conversation
that I've been having with myself,
and I wanted to kind of bring it with you guys
just to sort of think out loud
and also to get you guys' perspective
on this particular issue.
So I'm gonna take a sip of this
and we're gonna get right into this episode.
All right, I'm a little nervous to have this conversation
because I already know how some people are gonna take it.
But I'm sure if I feel this way
other people also feel this way.
And so I wanted to start this conversation
and also, like I said, again
give you guys the floor to have the conversation with me
because I think it's really important
that we have these conversations
to sort of understand each other a bit more.
Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong,
either way I'm honest.
Here we go;
So y'all know, or should know by now,
that I am somebody who doesn't really like
to give myself labels.
There are obviously ways that I label myself
but the labels that I tend to claim
are usually ones that I feel really passionate about.
For example, I'm a feminist, right?
I am a person who believes in the intersectionality,
I'm an atheist, right?
These are all sort of things
that are really important to me.
And you know when it comes to my sexuality,
honestly I kind of see myself as very uncomplicated.
I'm a heterosexual woman who only dates men
but more recently I've been having a conversation
with myself and some people within my community
about whether or not I should add another particular label
onto my sexuality.
And that label is demisexuality.
Now, okay.
I'm just gonna go through my own understanding,
and I'm sure y'all in the comment section
and in the call-in show will clear it up.
But to my understanding
demisexuality is on the asexuality spectrum.
It is a type of sexuality
where people don't generally experience romantic attraction
unless they've gotten to know someone.
The first time I really started thinking about this
is when I saw a video on TikTok about this,
and it was a woman describing her own demisexuality.
And basically she was saying the same exact thing
that I would say about my own sexuality
and sexual attraction.
That for me personally,
it's hard for me to be sexually attracted to somebody
unless I've kind of gotten to know them.
Now, when I hear
that particular understanding of demisexuality,
my first initial reaction
is well doesn't everyone kind of feel like that?
But obviously that's not the case.
Here's where my kind of confusion comes though.
I have a hard time understanding
of what people are describing as sexual attraction,
is finding someone sexually attractive
or wanting to have sex with them.
That's kind of my confusion point
because to my understanding a lot of asexuality
is about a lack of experiencing sexual attraction.
It doesn't mean you can't have other types of relationships,
it just means that sexually it's not exactly there.
And the reason why I've started to question myself
about whether or not I'm demisexual
is because it really does seem
like because of hookup culture,
I'm a weirdo for not wanting to have sex with people
I don't know very well.
And I guess for me
I kind of have several different reactions to that;
On one hand I feel, and this is probably true,
let me know if it is,
that a lot of people would probably feel offended
by the idea of demisexuality or even asexuality
being used to describe a person
who's not attracted to hookup culture.
Now we've talked about this a couple of times
but sex has often been a very complicated thing for me.
I will spare you guys the long diatribe about this
'cause you've heard it before.
But, you know, growing up
as a person who experienced sexual exploitation,
someone who experienced sexual violence,
sex hasn't always been a very healthy thing in my life.
Sex was something that I had for a long time for survival.
And in the past, I would say probably 10 or so years,
I've been really having more conversations with myself
about how sex is supposed to properly factor into my life.
And as I really start thinking about sex
as something that's supposed to satisfy me,
I really cling to the emotions that I had
before I ever dated anyone
where I just don't find sex to be very appealing
when I don't know somebody.
I just don't necessarily find myself excited by that.
Now that's not to say that I haven't had sex like that,
but I suppose a history of having sex like that
has made it so that sex in this way
is very unappealing to me.
When I think of the sex that I love right now
it's sex that's with people
who I know really love and trust me, right?
I can find someone attractive,
like I can look at a man and I can say,
you know, this is a man who in a very lizard brain way
is somebody who I'm attracted to,
like that's one thing.
I can look at man's anatomy, let's try not to get...
(Kat laughs)
I can look at man's anatomy
and know that maybe that's something
that I'm kind of curious about,
but actually doing something is so different for me,
actually doing something is so...
It's like a really far away emotion from that emotion
if that makes any sense, right?
Like, especially as a person who goes to lifestyle parties,
I see people all the time who I'm attracted to.
I see men who are very much my type,
very interesting to me or whatever,
but even if I'm surrounded by it,
I just don't feel attracted to it in that way.
I just, I have a hard time wanting to do it.
And sometimes when I'm in those situations especially,
people interpret this as insecurity
or like I just don't really know, or like myself,
which is so ironic to me because I have so much less sex now
that I like myself a lot more.
I feel like if I were to do like a chart or something,
I had more sex, the less I liked myself.
The more I liked myself the less sex I had,
because the desire for me to have better sex
kind of grew, right?
Once I liked myself more.
You know, something else I've thought of too
is there are times where I have met men
who I'm not at all sexually attracted to.
I look at them and they don't got any of the stuff
that makes my lizard brain tick, right?
They ain't got none of that, none of that, right?
And then I talk to them, and I get to know them,
and I understand who they are as a person,
and everything about them is sexy to me.
That's pretty common for me, honestly.
So, you know, I guess for me,
I don't necessarily feel correct
describing myself as demisexual
because I obviously do experience sexual attraction.
But then, you know, like I said, my big question is
is sexual attraction looking at someone
and wanting to have sex with them,
and knowing that you could do that within that moment?
Or is it the actual desire to physically have sex?
Do you know what I mean?
'Cause I guess that's really where I get confused.
Because in my view, most...
Well, I guess I can't say most,
I can't say most.
But let's put it this way;
Most of the people that I've known through my life
like to get to know someone before they have sex with them.
And I guess it feels sometimes odd for me
to think that that is a different thing,
but I guess it feels like that
in a society where hooking up is pretty normalized.
And to be clear,
I don't think that there's anything wrong with hooking up,
just for me personally,
I can't imagine hooking up
being a satisfactory experience for me, you know?
When I think of hooking up
I think of like someone using my body to masturbate,
and I'm sorry, that just doesn't do anything for me.
So I don't really find myself attracted to
or excited by the very prospect of hooking up with someone.
But I do find myself incredibly turned on
by the idea of having sex with a man who I know respects me.
Having sex with a man who I know sees me, and loves me,
and embraces me completely.
That is really, really, really sexy to me,
but some people have sort of made me feel odd about that
and I guess that's why I've started to think
that I might be demisexual, right?
I actually do, on one of the websites that I'm on,
describe myself as demisexual.
Because much like me describing myself as heterosexual,
it's just kind of a quicker way
for me to explain the stuff, you know?
I'm not gonna meet you up for sex,
I'm not gonna find myself sexually attracted to you
unless we talk about who you are as a person.
Who you are as a person
is probably gonna be way more sexually attractive to me
than how big your piece is, how good you stroke it,
you know, any of that.
That's all fun and good, and fun to look at,
but that's a different thing for me
than experiencing a sexual attraction.
So like I said, I really wanted to bring this up
so that I can ask you guys how you feel, and what's what,
because I don't really know.
And honestly, I'm sure some people
who have been paying attention to what I do with the podcast
probably already know this,
but I do want to actually really have some conversations
with people about asexuality, how they experience it,
just to kind of give a platform to that
and to sort of have more conversations
along the spectrum of that,
that can maybe fill out this conversation a bit more.
So tune in next Wednesday for that call-in show.
Like I said, it will be on Discord.
Log onto my Discord, be ready for it,
we've got a whole process there, and yeah.
Anyway, on that note, I will talk to you guys later,
and yeah, check out my podcast.
You should be able to find it on Apple, Spotify,
anywhere where podcasts are found.
You'll get way more content there,
and I always upload
the full, unedited call-in shows onto my Patreon,
patreon.com/KatBlaque.
All right, bye.