- Good Lord, Bryan.
Did you see "Game of Thrones" this week?
Is Mrs. Fields my downfall?
Yes.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh my god, so at the beginning, "Game of Thrones"
is giving me a lifeguard show everyone's been waiting for,
Bronnwatch.
[GASPING]
Christina is recruiting pledges for her sorority Fry Dragon
Dragon.
I'm not here to murder.
All I want to destroy is the wheel that
has rolled over rich and poor.
Ooh, but that Dickon, honey--
he is a Lannister legacy, and he is not going nowhere.
[SCREAMING]
I haven't seen a dickon burn like that since the gonorrhea
outbreak of 2011.
Maybe I've been spending too many Sunday afternoons watching
cable, but Christina and Jon Snow were serving
up Hallmark movie realness.
She's a single mom looking for someone
to love her and her three dragons
and turn their Dragonstone into a Dragonhome.
But will she be able to extinguish a former flame?
Heartbreaker of Chains.
[CHIMES]
And then baby Kill Bill is all the shades
of grossed out when she finds out where
Sansa Fierce has been sleeping.
These are mother and father's chambers.
And?
Sleeping in your parents' bed, who probably used,
like, sex toys, anal, vaginal, no rinsing,
no wet wipes, just puss, butt, puss, butt, puss, butt.
Thinking the Holy Spirit's gonna keep you safe?
No it doesn't.
UTI's are coming for everyone, and you know what?
I don't think there was cranberry juice
or pills back in those days.
No, back then they would just kill you.
And then of course "Hooked on Phonics"
gets invited to the gender reveal party, and surprise!
We're having a blacksmith.
"Hooked on Phonics" was giving me straight Maxine, everyone's
favorite shoebox greeting diva.
DAVOS: Nobody mind me.
All I've ever done is live to a ripe old age.
Nothing fucks you harder than time.
It's better to be a coward for a minute than dead
for the rest of your life.
Ooh, but then we find out which way Gendry
Fluid be swinging, honey.
Stop.
Hammer time.
Whoo, honey, I be smelling some trouble in Incestidise
when Brother D tells vintage Mia Farrow
that he had a little baby meeting with Munchers.
But she took it really well.
I met with Tyrion.
[STEAM WHISTLE BLOWING]
What did our brother have to say?
And then breaking news.
We find out from busted Anne Hathaway
that Jon Snow is no bastard, and he's
in fact the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne.
Which you know what that means, that he--
Sorry, can we talk about Tubby Lubby
and how he shot that avant garde perfume
commercial in the library?
Books are meant to be touched.
Learning is sex.
Tube Lube.
Reach for the forbidden.
So then back at Winterfell, baby Kill Bill
suspects that Earl Gray's up to no freaking good.
So she makes like Jessica Fletcher and Cabot
Coves this motherfucker.
[PIANO MUSIC]
But of course she's been had, because Earl Gray's just
a messy bitch who lives for drama.
And then at the end, when wildling
Louis CK, who I am now calling Surly Spice,
playing "Guess Who?
Ice and Fire Edition."
And you need to convince the one with the dragons or the one
who fucks her brother?
And they're giving me full Moulin Rouge Lady Marmalade.
You've got Dog the Bounty Hunter, Manbun,
Phil Collins, Gendry Fluid, Surly
Spice, Jon Snow, Sir Carlyle.
And even though they all have different singing styles,
and then whatever Little Kim does,
they band together to hunt them a White Walker.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Moulin Rouge.
Hey, sister.
Go, sister. Soul sister.
Flow sister.
Giuchie giuchie, ya ya da da.
Look, I know you didn't want this big of a change.
But I just knew if I pushed, you could serve me Dickon realness.
I honestly feel like if I go home and my husband sees me,
he's not going to recognize me.
Growth doesn't happen when you're comfortable.
How much do I owe you for this?
- It's 350. - OK.
- Yeah. - 350 dollars.
- Yes. - Got it.
Yep.
- Well worth it. - I know.
It looks great.
Yeah.
Where are--
My dragons?
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
Sometimes you're paying for what you don't get.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
It's like, I know how to not make mistakes.
Right, like I came in here being like, I'd like a haircut.
Is that what you do?
And you said, sure.
And then it didn't happen.
Well, I told you you didn't need one so much.
Right. Right.
- So-- - So.
But this is my time.
But I'm caught up on a show that I don't watch, so--
Yeah, and it's my time.
Yeah.
So you have to pay for my time.
[WHOOSHING]
[CREAKING]
[WHOOSHING]