ANOTHER REASON I TOOK THIS JOB IS TO HAVE THE
PRIVILEGE TO TALK ABOUT THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU SEE-- IT IS, IT'S A
PRIVILEGE AND AN HONOR TO SIT UP HERE EVERY NIGHT AND TALK TO YOU
ABOUT IT.
2016 IS THE FIFTH RACE I'VE BEEN ON THE TV FOR.
AND FROM THIS POSITION OF EXPERIENCE, LET ME TELL YOU,
THIS YEAR, THERE ARE A LOT OF CANDIDATES.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE... THIS GUY-- THIS
GUY-- THIS GUY-- THIS IS NICE.
THIS GUY SMELLS LIKE PEPPERMINT.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS RIGHT HERE, THIS IS AN
EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES OF EMBARRASSING RICH PEOPLE.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP?
( CHEERS ) NOT AS MUCH AS DONALD TRUMP
DOES.
AND PEOPLE LOVE THIS MAN BECAUSE HE'S AVERAGING NEARLY 30% IN THE
POLLS, 12 POINTS HIGHER THAN HIS NEAREST RIVAL, NEUROSURGEON BEN
CARSON.
OF COURSE, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME A SURGEON HAS BEEN
DESTROYED BY A LOUD, LUMBERING MONSTER.
AARRGGHH.
JEB!
AAAHH!
MEXICAN BAD.
BUILD WALL.
YOU'RE FIRED.
BUT, FOLKS, IT'S NOT JUST TRUMP.
IT'S ALL OF THESE PEOPLE HERE.
AMERICA HAS BEEN CAPTIVATED BY THE SPECTACLE OF 22 POLITICAL
WARRIORS RUTHLESSLY BATTLING IN THE ARENA FOR OUR SUPPORT.
IT'S LIKE "THE HUNGER GAMES."
NO, IT'S MORE THAN THAT.
IT'S-- "THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES."
HA!
WELCOME.
YES, I LOVE IT!
I LOVE IT, YES.
WELCOME TO "THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES."
CANDIDATES, ASSEMBLE!
AH, YES, YES, LOOK HERE, A FRESH CROP OF TRIBUTES FOR THE
CAPITAL.
MAY THE MARGIN OF ERROR BE FOREVER IN YOUR FAVOR.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE, LET'S SEE.
NOW, WHO LOOKS EXPENDABLE THIS YEAR?
HMM, YES, YES.
HAVE THE LARGE ANGRY ONE FROM THE EAST FIGHT THE CURLY HAIRED
ONE FROM THE COAL DISTRICT.
YEAH!
DELICIOUS!
BUT, CITIZENS, SADLY OVER THE WEEKEND WE LOST ONE OF THE MOST
PROMISES TRIBUTES.
JAMES.
>> REPUBLICAN RICK PERRY HAS BECOME THE FIRST MAJOR CANDIDATE
TO DROP OUT OF THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
>> TODAY, I'M SUSPENDING MY CAMPAIGN FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF
THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: OH, RICK, OH, RICK.
RICK, WE HARDLY KNEW YE EXISTED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE, YOU WERE POLLING AT 0.8%.
YES.
HA!
DELICIOUS!
YES, WELL BEHIND "NONE OF THEM" AT 4%.
YES, OH, OH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HA-HA!
IF ONLY-- IF ONLY THE GOVERNOR COULD HAVE BEEN AS INSPIRATIONAL
AS NONE.
BUT GOVERNOR PERRY KNEW HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF HIS FINAL
MOMENT IN THE ARENA, TELLING A SUPPORTER BEFORE HIS SPEECH,
"WE'LL MAKE A LITTLE HISTORY HERE."
YES, IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THOSE WHO
QUIT 14 MONTHS BEFORE THE THING HAPPENS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CHEERS.
, OF COURSE, TRUE, TRUE-- YES.
YES.
TRUE CONSORS OF THE GAMES SAW THIS COMING.
PERRY SPONSORS HAD BEEN FLEEING HIM FOR MONTHS CAUSING HIM TO
LAY OFF STAFF, SHUDDER CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS AND EVEN DOWNGRADE
HIS SMART-GUY GLASSES TO A SMART-GUY MONOCLE.
HE FOUGHT BRIEFLY BUT BRAVELY.
LET US BIT FAREWELL TO THE FALLEN.
FAREWELL, RICK PERI.
( CANNON FIRE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HA-HA!
YAS MUCH AS I'M GOING TO MISRICK PERRY, I THINK I'M GOING TO MISS
MY JOKES ABOUT HIS SMART-GUY GLASSES EVEN MORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
HA-HA!
OF COURSE, RICK PERRY'S FALL RAISES SOME INTERESTING
QUESTIONS.
I THINK SENATOR RAND PAUL SAID IT BEST WHEN HE TWEETED:
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT SAYS, SENATOR.
IT SAYS THERE'S FINALLY ROOM FOR ONE OF THOSE "DUCK DYNASTY" GUYS
TO GET IN.
MY FRIENDS, MY FRIEND, THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS... STICK AROUND,
CITIZENS, WE'VE GOT JAKE GYLLENHAAL AND TIM COOK.