When a news story falls through the cracks,
I’m there to pick it up
in a segment we call “Back in Black.”
Now that the pandemic is fading,
the job market is picking up again.
Restaurants need cooks and waiters,
hotels need clerks and bellhops,
and movie theaters need people to sweep all the popcorn
off the floor and put it back in the popcorn machines.
But as millions of Americans go back to work,
there’s one American who a lot of people wish
would never work again.
82-year-old Justice Stephen Breyer
really getting some pressure to retire
from a growing number of Democrats
so that Biden can fill his spot
with a younger liberal justice.
Democrats are confident
they could get a Biden nominee through the Senate
as long as they’re still in the majority.
Just to be clear, you do think
that Justice Stephen Breyer should retire
at the end of this term.
Well, I would give more thought to it,
but I’m inclined to say yes.
First of all, I can’t believe someone has
to convince an 82-year-old to retire.
Personally, I would have stopped working a long time ago
if I didn’t have to pay for my anger management courses.
The cancellation fees are outrageous!
Damn you, MasterClass!
Look, I can see why being a Supreme Court justice
is a good gig.
You basically sit around all day in a robe
telling everyone else how to live their lives.
Not to mention kegger Tuesdays
in Brett Kavanaugh’s chambers.
But the Democrats are getting nervous
because right now they control the Senate.
But if Old Man Breyer waits too long,
then filling his seat might be up to Mitch McConnell.
McConnell is already kicking around some fun ideas.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell
making clear how far he will go
to control the U.S. Supreme Court.
Remember, McConnell blocked the nomination
of Merrick Garland with nearly a year left
in the Obama administration.
Now he says he would do it all over again,
and maybe then some.
Is this guy shameless or what?
The only people who tell you their evil plans in advance
are serial killers, super villains
and Mitch f**king McConnell!
So if McConnell and the GOP regain control of the Senate,
there’s a good chance Biden wouldn’t get
to replace Breyer with anyone.
The seat will just stay empty until President Don Jr.
fills it with a 23-year-old FOX News anchor.
I hope MacKenzy with a Y likes gun control!
Now, it’s true the Democrats control the Senate
at least through next year, so what’s the rush?
Let Breyer weigh in on gay wedding cakes for another term
if that’s how he gets his kicks.
But what’s giving Democrats nightmares
is that in a 50/50 Senate,
one slip in the shower could ruin everything.
If any democratic Senator dies in a state
where they can be replaced by a Republican,
Mitch McConnell once again can block Breyer’s replacement.
So if Pat Leahy in Vermont dies
under a Republican governor, gone.
If Jon Tester in Montana gets hit by, you know, a caribou
or whatever they have up there – if he goes, bam,
that’s it for the Democratic majority.
So every day Breyer stays on the court
is another day Mitch McConnell gets to spin
that wheel of death.
Wow. That is some dark shit, CNN.
I’ll put 50 bucks on the caribou!
But these guys are right.
When half of your senators are old enough
to remember the Dust Bowl,
your majority can disappear at any time,
and you can kiss that Supreme Court seat bye-bye!
And, look, I’m no constitutional scholar,
but it seems to me that if your whole democracy hinges
on whether or not a single 80-year-old man chokes
on a Werther’s, then maybe your system is, well,
how do I put this delicately, f**king stupid!
I know this all might seem dramatic,
but you can’t be taking chances here.
This is the Supreme Court we’re talking about.
They determine whether you get health care,
whether you can vote and whether to throw out your vote
and make George W. Bush president.
So it makes sense that the Democrats
don’t want to screw this up,
especially since they’ve already done it once before.
There’s been mounting pressure from some Democrats
and progressives for Ruth Bader Ginsburg to retire
while the Senate and White House
are still in Democratic control,
but Justice Ginsburg is having none of it.
What are you thinking when it comes to your retirement?
I think people know that I’m here to stay,
and my answer is, I will do this job
as long as I can do it full steam.
Should the political climate and consideration
of your replacement be factors in your decision?
I am still here
and likely to remain for a while.
Well, that worked out about as well
as an at-home colonoscopy.
RBG passed away,
Donald Trump replaced her with Amy Coney Barrett,
and I made a fortune selling unlicensed
“Handmaid’s Tale” costumes to protesters.
Now, I don’t know if Breyer
is going to heed the lessons of RBG,
but personally, I think he needs to go.
Not for any political reason.
I just think people should retire
while they can still enjoy the good life.
The man is 82.
He’s only got a few years left
of accidentally driving into a farmers market.
And maybe Breyer just doesn’t want to retire
because he thinks a worthy replacement isn’t out there.
But the good news is, I’m available!
Now, I don’t have a law degree,
and I’m pretty sure habeas corpus is a sex fetish,
but I think I’m perfect for the high court.
I’m judgmental,
I’ve watched hundreds of hours of “Law & Order,”
and you know I’ll be impartial
because I think Democrats and Republicans are both assholes!
And the best part is, you’ll never have to replace me
because I’ve already prerecorded opinions
for every possible case that could come up long after I die.
Yes, you can marry your own clone.
Nothing that hot should ever be illegal.
The government cannot force Americans
to get vaccinated for COVID-37.
If you don’t like Congress taxing time travel,
go back in time and do something about it!
Islam is now officially banned.
Call me old-fashioned, but there’s only 13 genders, not 14.
Islam is now officially mandatory!
For the last time, Mr. Trump, you did not beat Joe Biden.
It’s 2057.
Let it go!
President Biden, I’ll be waiting for your call.