We've all told ourselves at some point that we'll be a calm parent.
Well, this is the key to calm parenting.
Hi I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a Clinical Psychologist with almost three decades of experience
working with parents. There are 4 crucial elements to staying calm. I believe the first
crucial element to calm parenting is to provide a sane, stable, loving parent and you're the parent.
That means your personal development, your mental health, extremely-- extremely important.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to take care of yourself. I remember, a mom who was
sitting in my office and I gave her a little task. I handed her a tablet, I said write down everything
you can think of that you're in charge of, that you have to take care of. What are you responsible for, go.
And she started writing and she's writing down all kinds of things in this tablet, and then she
turns the page over, and she's writing more and she turns the page again. She's just flying, she
starts to slow down finally. Turns the page again, okay, I think I got it. We looked over her list
guess what was missing. Her own health and well-being, she didn't list herself
on that list. Well, who's going to take care of her? We can't put that burden on the kids. As a
parent, you are personally responsible for your own mental health and well-being and check it out.
When you're yelling and screaming, when you're losing your stuff all over the place.
How you doing mentally? When you get tipped over it's because you are stressed out, it's because you
are upset. It's because you are feeling angry, your mental health is one of the primary factors that
helps you to stay calm during the turmoil of life. The best gift you can give your kids is a sane,
stable, loving parent. Let's get our own stuff in a pile. You're working on yourself and your own
personal development because of this next element that is so key. It has to do with your example:
Integrity in your example. So, as you begin to exemplify positivity, as you begin to become more
calm inside of your own heart and mind. It's easier for you to show up well for your kids. You've heard
the saying, "I can't hear what you're saying because your actions speak so loudly." Sometimes, kids
can't hear what we're saying because our actions speak so loudly. How often do we yell at our kids
to be quiet? Do you see a little mismatch there? How often do we interrupt our children to tell
them they're not listening to us. We need to be a better example, let's have some integrity in the
example that we set for our kids. Show them through our own behavior what we would like them to do
in reciprocation. This next element has become one of my favorites because I think it's one of
the most powerful. Detachment from the outcomes, think about this when you get upset as a parent
it's usually because the outcomes aren't what you wanted them to be. Your child isn't doing what you
wanted them to do or they are doing something you didn't want them to do. It's violating your
expectations about what the outcomes are. What if you could be detached from the outcomes?
This suddenly puts you in a powerful position as a parent and one of the best ways to get there
is to give our kids 2 choices. 2 choices, you're okay with either one. See the problem is sometimes
we give our kids two choices and we have a strong preference for one of them. Almost always actually,
what if you were okay with either one? Well ,now you're detached from the outcome. "Sweetie you
can do this or you can do that. You can have this or you can have that, either way is really okay
with me." Now, notice how I'm smiling and I raise my eyebrows a little bit. This gives you some power
as a parent, because as soon as you're smiling your kids are thinking and they're like, "Wait, really? is
Dad really okay with this? Does mom really not care which one I choose? Now, secretly you might have a
preference but the thing is we're going to take these two choices. We're going to tie consequences,
appropriate consequences to those two choices. Now, if they do the thing that we really prefer that
they do they get these favorable consequences, right? But if they do the other thing, they get
some consequences that are less favorable to them, but we're okay with that. Because they get to learn
something and isn't that even more valuable than whatever outcomes you're worried about. Detach from
the outcomes, I promise this is one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent. In fact,
I'm going to give you 2 choices right now. You can like this video or you can share this video,
either way is okay with me. Do I even have to say the last one, if you've been here on the channel
very long and if you have thank you. I'm so honored by your presence here, then you'll know what I'm
about to say. Remember your job, one of the easiest ways to stay calm as a parent is to remember
your job. Which is to love them no matter what and even if. We could play the even if game,
"even if they hate you?" have they thrown that at you yet. Yes, even if they hate you which they don't but
they might say it from time to time just to get you. "Even if they disobey?" Yes, "Even if they fail? Yes.
"Even if they violate all of the family norms and culture and expectations?" Yes. Maybe, especially then.
When you focus on your job it is so much easier to stay calm, because it's no longer my job to
make sure that they anything. That's going to help a lot, remember your job. Calm parenting is probably
one of the most popular topics that we address on a regular basis at Live on Purpose Central.
In the parenting power up the courses that are available in positive parenting in our live
discussion groups and even my live office hours. Come check it out Go.liveonpurposecentral.com