I grew up fighting with my older brother all the time.
The problem with that is you learn fighting skills
that aren't necessarily applicable in the real world.
[laughter] Do you know what I mean?
Like, I can't be in a bar fight
and just jump-kick a guy in the back...
[laughter]
And then lock myself in the bathroom
till my mom comes home from work.
[laughter]
We would go at it all the time.
My dad's crazy.
One time my dad got sick of it,
and he was like, "Oh, you two like fighting so much?
How about you fight for real?"
Fighting for real, according to my dad,
was making us put on our winter gloves
and box in the backyard... [laughter]
while he sat in a lawn chair and watched...
[laughter]
Just clearly for his own amusement.
[laughter]
My father is the Michael Vick of children.
[laughter]
Who wouldn't pay to see two shirtless little boys...
[laughter]
with tears streaming down their faces
as they beat the shit out of each other
with Transformers mittens?
[laughter]
[sighs] My dad--
he would just yell stuff
that there was nothing to say back to like--
I got in trouble
for smoking weed in eighth grade.
And I came home from school,
and my dad got in my face,
and he goes,
"I made it through the Vietnam War
"without smoking pot.
And you couldn't make it through middle school?"
[laughter]
Like, what--
[laughter]
What do you say to that?
[laughter]
"Yes, sorry you were the only nerd in Vietnam."
[laughter]
[cheers]
Must've missed that character in "Apocalypse Now."
[laughter]
I was the kid in school whose mom packed the healthy lunch.
[laughter]
Yeah, you can--
like, my mom would give me a little baggie
with seven almonds in it.
[laughter]
Carol, what--
[laughter]
I'm getting ready for recess,
not swimsuit season.
[laughter]
Right?
[laughter]
You couldn't trade for shit
when you were the kid with the healthy lunch.
[laughter]
You know what the exchange rate is
on a bag of baby carrots?
[laughter]
It's one Pringle.
[laughter] That's--
it's not even enough Pringles
to make my mouth look like a duck.
[laughter]
That's half enough Pringles
to do a duck mouth thing, Mom.
I look like an asshole out here.
[laughter]
All I ever wanted for lunch was Lunchables.
Right?
[cheers] Yeah.
[applause]
Lunchables were the greatest triumph
in the history of packaging, right?
I'll tell you why.
Take whatever was inside a Lunchables package out,
put it into a brown paper bag,
and try and convince someone it's lunch.
[laughter]
I dare you to...
[laughter]
I got, like, uh, three crackers...
[laughter]
woman: Salami.
- And some wet meat discs.
[laughter]
You know, lunch.
[laughter]
Like, "Dude, why are you eating a communion wafer
with ketchup on it?"
[laughter]
"You mean why am I eating this delicious pizza?"
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I have a old railroad map in my house--
a framed railroad map from the 1800s.
And my buddy came over the other day,
and he looked at, and he goes, "Pfff.
You just got that to impress girls."
[laughter]
Yep, that's what girls like.
[laughter]
Old-timey maps.
[laughter]
Like, what girl has ever been like,
"No, I'm not gonna have sex with--
"wait a second.
[laughter]
"Is that the original route of the Union Pacific?
[laughter]
"Get a condom.
[laughter]
"Whoa, what's that on that wall?
"13th-century Europe?
Never mind the condom."
[laughter]
All right, guys, my name's Brendan Eyre.
Thank you so much.