Yes I know the last video was about the end of the Roman empire, what about it, this is
about the Huns totally different.
Took the Romans 700 years to conquer 4 million square kilometres, it took the Huns 70.
The year is 440, Attila’s about to throw down and there’s only one man who can stop
him how’s that for drama
[intro]
Hey.
Hey I got a, I got a question for you.
Ya like Game of Thrones?
All six seasons of Game of Thrones?
You wanna see Gregor Clegane giving the performance of his life as Attila the Hun?
[wild screaming]
You wanna feel the glory of Rome in the 5th century just when you thought
they were all out of glory?
Guess what I’m about to say?
Two words, MagellanTV.
One word.
All this time I’ve been hitting you with their 2000 documentaries where they get world-class
experts and get their hands on these amazing artifacts that are hundreds or thousands of
years old, but all this time they’ve had these historical dramas that are absolutely
glorious!
Between you and me I really hope I get to do another video with them because they’ve
got a whole series of films made by the same people as this one and mmmmm boy there are
a couple of those I’ve really got my eye on for future videos.
It’s region locked, so if you’re not American (and you don’t have a VPN), I’ll point
you towards the Warrior’s Way series, because honestly no matter where you live they’ve
got great content available.
So do me a favor, do yourself a favor, go to Magellantv.com/jackrackam, you get a free
month’s membership and you watch Warriors: Attila the Hun, you will not be disappointed.
So the Huns, what’s the deal with the Huns?
Well they’re probably connected to the Xiongnu in East Asia, hence when I say the words “let’s
get down to business” anyone who’s ever seen Mulan immediately starts thinking about
(music) the Huns.
All the Romans knew is that the big scary Goths who ruled the sylvan wastelands of Not-Rome
were suddenly storming Roman lands because a bigger scarier army of horsemen just crossed
the river at the edge of the world.
Within the decade they’d crossed the Danube and killed the Eastern Roman Emperor.
Rome was still fat on cash though, and ended up using the Huns as mercenaries, sometimes
to wage war between the Eastern and Western empire, meaning Attila had lots of experience
fighting Romans as he grew up.
And the perfect opportunity to fight some Romans just happens to present itself when
the Vandals take over Carthage and would you look at that no one’s defending the Balkans!
But the Romans figure “Ah they’re only effective on horseback, once they get to the
city - Sweet Jesus they have siege weapons who the hell taught them how to make siege
wea - oh right.”
Attila can’t capture Constantinople, but he can do pretty much anything else so when
the Romans finally pay him to leave he’s absolutely loaded with cash!
It’s at this point I should mention that Attila was actually a co-ruler with his brother
Bleda, but there’s a reason you’ve never heard of Bleda the Hun, and that’s because
when you have co-rulers, especially brothers, there’s a very popular outcome.
I tried to come up with a clever way to animate this, but honestly I just can’t top this.
[Attila casually chucks a knife through Bleda’s throat in front of like a hundred people]
He then goes back to Constantinople, but the city is saved by an Isaurian general named
Zeno, except not that Zeno, and then the emperor dies in a horse-riding accident, deja vu.
Anyway, Attila keeps attacking the Eastern Empire until he realizes there’s no more
gold because he took all the gold.
You might be wondering, what about the Western Empire?
Well Attila was actually pretty chill with the West, ‘cause their top general named
Aetius who was kind of a big deal in Ravenna was overall a pretty chill guy.
So actually, Attila decided to team up with the Western Empire and go attack the Visigoths!
As far as Rome was concerned, everything was coming up Millhouse!
But then Attila gets a letter from the emperor’s sister with her wedding ring in it.
Turns out she had been arranged to marry the senator least likely to use her connection
to usurp the throne, but she wasn’t super into forced marriage and so she took the nuclear
option.
Attila accepts her offer and demands half the empire as her dowry, and the emperor says
“No, no, that wasn’t on the table, she’s exiled now, no connection, no, nuh-uh!”
Attila: “So….”
Valentinian: “Yes…”
Attila: “What you’re saying is…”
Valentinian: “Yes…”
Attila: “That I…”
Valentinian: “Yes…”
Attila: “Should take everything!”
Valentinian: “Yes!
Wait no!”
Aetius: “No!”
Theodoric I: “Do it.”
Attila: “Doing it!”
But aha!
The West still has Aetius!
Probably the last great general the Western Empire ever had!
He’d spent his youth among the Huns and even led a Hunnic army back in the day.
As much as the Huns had been learning from the Romans, he’d been learning from the
Huns.
And Aetius has the power of friendship.
As Attila is ransacking Gaul, Aetius gets help from the Visigoths, the Franks, the Saxons,
the Alans, all the tribes Attila had terrorized and assembles a grand coalition.
The only problem was that victory could be just as bad as defeat, because if the Romans
took more casualties than the Visigoths, well chances are it would be the Visigoths ransacking
Gaul next year.
But as it happens, things go perfectly.
Aetius beats back Attila (it could be argued he was on his way out anyway but why let that
get in the way of a good story), and as an added bonus the King of the Visigoths gets
killed in battle!
Hooray, friendship!
And that would be a really nice end to the story except for the fact that then Attila
attacks Italy like the next year and for some reason Aetius got nerfed and then Attila just
decides to turn around and no one’s totally sure why.
Like maybe when the Pope went to meet him he just really impressed him with his godliness,
or maybe Attila ran out of supplies or he was superstitious about attacking the city
of Rome or maybe the Eastern Empire got involved, it just gets in the way of everything!
And then Attila chokes to death on a nosebleed, his sons tear the empire apart and all the
tribes go “aight imma head out” and seventy years of Hunnic conquest disappears the end!
[sick outro music]