Matt: Obviously you can't get any further and have interactions and get phone numbers
and get dates and get sex, relationships etc, if you have approach anxiety and
we've all been there right? Where you're you see that beautiful girl, you want to
go talk to her but something inside you just stops... you just feel frozen, you
can't think of what to say, excuses start running, right? Is she with
that guy? It's just some random dude. Oh she's a little too far away... oh it's
gonna look weird.... you know, those people are gonna notice... what are they gonna
think about me? And all these are pretty irrational thoughts, right? And we know
that. Logically we know that. So basically I'm gonna give you three simple steps
that we use on our boot camps that I still use to this day, we all use to
overcome approach anxiety, and they're all really simple, like here and said I
like to keep things simple. You can use them in like all three of them pretty
much at the same time or one after another and they're really the best ways
to overcome approach anxiety that I found. Basically the first method that I
like to use it's called experiencing it fully, because the tendency when we have
that feeling in our body? That churning feeling, you know, in your
stomach, the butterflies, whatever it is you know I think it's different for
everybody, is we want to fight that feeling, right? We want to, you know, we try
to fight it. We either try to talk ourselves into the approach or talk
ourselves out of the approach or we're, you know, we beat ourselves up saying you
know why do I feel this way? Why does this always happen? And we just try to
fight that feeling, and then what happens, the girl is gone, the feeling goes away,
and then it happens again. The next beautiful girl that comes in. Or we get
to the point where you don't even feel it anymore because we don't even think
about approaching anymore just like, Oh beautiful girl... okay, focus back on
whatever I was doing... go to work, go here, whatever. It is. All right you guys with
me? You guys know what I'm talking about? Okay, so the first method is experience
it fully. So instead of fighting it, you embrace it. You allow yourself to just
feel that feeling. Experience, i like to say experience it fully. Meaning
describe it to yourself, like in your mind or out loud if you want, but like
feel where it is, pinpoint it in your body, and have a quick little
conversation with yourself. Like okay, I feel that feeling right now, it's that
butterfly feeling in my in my stomach, you know, it's that churning that kind of
frozen, okay, my my heart is beating faster, you know, I'm getting nervous,
and then just just sit with it for a second... literally just sit with it. Don't
fight it, just sit with it. Because like I said the tendency is to
fight any unwanted feeling that we have, you know, avoid tension and avoid
pain, and move towards pleasure. So instead you just feel it, right? And after
a few seconds, maybe a minute, for some. It becomes no big deal.
It becomes manageable. It might not completely go away, you might not have
you might not, you know, feel no more nervousness and just be able to approach
it right away, but if you keep doing it... when you keep doing that? Those feelings
become less and less. You just get used to that feeling. It's like put yourself
in uncomfortable situations all the time, pretty soon the uncomfortable becomes
comfortable. Right? Keep doing it, keep doing it. I remember when I did my second
time I went skydiving my instructor when we jumped out of the plane he said
welcome to my office. I was like ****. Like obviously I had that feeling, that
we're talking about? The nervousness, the fear, all of that. To him was no big deal,
why? Beacause he's done it so many times, and he's experienced those feelings I'm sure
he was scared the first, couple of times, but he's put himself in in that so many
times and experienced those feelings, instead of hiding from it, right? You can
do this in other situations too, for example... one thing we like to do, I live
in the Philippines, so I can't do this too much, but it is take cold showers.
Like freezing cold showers you can definitely do it here in New York at
least in the wintertime. Try to do one today it wasn't very cold but that
creates pain, in a sense physical pain, you know, emotional pain, even just
like the cold water is there and you want to like step into it, like **** I
don't want to, seven o'clock in the morning, I don't
want to, you know, I don't want to put myself in there but you just do it, and
you just put yourself into that tension, and you experience it, right? You
experience that cold water, that uncomfortable situation? Do that, you know,
X amount of times eventually it'll be comfortable, eventually you will stop
hesitating and you'll step into it. You'll step into that tension, you know,
You'll feel it and you'll enjoy it. Because it still comes up for me, you
know, when I approach not every time but there are certain situations maybe I
haven't done it in a long time, today we ran around using like really
****ty pickup lines. Like really corny, cheesy, pickup lines that we found on the
internet, I never did that before. And so yeah, there's a little, like the first one
is like... oh **** what kind of reaction am I gonna get? You know, we're filming this.
Let's see what happens, you know? I felt that too did the same thing experience
it fully and just ******* commit and do it. So that brings me to the next thing
to do is basically... basically there's two things you can do when you have any type
of fear that you're trying to overcome. You can, I don't remember what, what it's
called... maybe one of you guys remember, both when you basically put yourself
into the worst-case scenario which is kind of like using a cheesy pick-up line
you know you're probably gonna get a bad reaction you know it is so cheesy and
but is you you basically put yourself in the worst-case scenario, okay? Most people
won't do that. Most people just won't do that, so when it comes to picking up
girls like I said it can be using a really cheesy pick-up line it could be
doing an approach wearing a dress. One of our friends used to do that
hypnotic, I think it was. Used to have these students do approaches wearing a
woman's dress like things like that. Putting yourself in that like scary
situation because then doing an approach not wearing a dress or doing an approach
when you're using a good pick-up line, there's gonna be a lot easier right? So
you put yourself in the worst case scenario first. So I encourage you guys
to do that but most guys won't, so the other process to overcome any fear is
called progressive desensitization, where you're just small where you start off
small and you work your way up. So example with like a fear of spiders,
the putting yourself in worst-case scenario would be
bring a load of spiders on top of you freaking the **** out but then
afterwards realizing it was okay, you know, I didn't die. I'm still here and
then hopefully in theory you won't be as afraid of like one little spider, since
you've already put yourself in that situation.
Progressive desensitization is basically you start small, so you see a picture of
a spider, and that's a little scary but then after a second you like its just a
picture, and then you have a spider in a box on the other side of the room. That's
scary, but then eventually it's not, it's close, then move it closer and the process
repeats until it's in your hand and it's not so scary. So we're picking up women
how can you guys do that? Any ideas? What could you start off with? Go ahead.
Okay you can start off with girls you're not that attracted to. That's one thing I
did when I first got started because I knew if I could go through the whole
dating process with them and get good at dates you know so that's actually good
for a few reasons. For approaching and for just getting good at the whole
process because, you know, I was if I was approaching only like you know 9s and
10s then I was I wouldn't at that time
especially not get as many phone numbers and dates so I wasn't very good at dates,
so I started with girls I wasn't as attracted to so that's one thing you can
do. What else? Say that again? Don't focus on the outcome? Okay right,
have no goal, so with doing that what's something really small and easy that you
could say to start off with? Like what's the easiest thing you could do with no
outcome? You're not trying to get a phone number you're just trying to do
something. Okay well that's not even approaching...
Yeah that is true. Okay. So when you see that beautiful girl instead of thinking
like I got to get her phone number, I got to do, you know, whatever. I got attract
her, say okay, I'm just gonna go say something. And the easiest some thing to
say for most people is just asking for directions, and if you want to start out
even below that for some people that's a lot, that's you know big deal, that
creates a lot of anxiety and they don't do it... even just walking towards her. You
see that beautiful girl that you want to go talk to, and you just say okay I'm
gonna walk towards her. Just walk towards her and once you get up to her you
just turn the other way and walk past or turn around. If you did that however many
times, 10, 20, 50 times, eventually that's gonna be really easy and you're gonna
condition yourself to just go. When you see a beautiful woman you're just gonna
go, because you've done it so many times, right? So then the next step, you've done
that, now I just ask for directions. So you see the beautiful girl you already
conditioned yourself to go, like literally girl go. It's like gravity
just pulls you towards her at that point, so you've done it so many times you ask
her for directions, and that's it. She tells you it's over there, you say
awesome have a great day and you move on. And you do that until it's manageable,
until it doesn't create so much tension and anxiety, even if there's still a
little bit that's okay, but eventually you know, it'll it'll be a lot less than
in the beginning and then you move on to the next step, which could be just making
a little comment about something she's wearing or something she's doing or hey
wow you're a lot nicer than the last person I asked, you're not from here are
you? That's a good one for New York because I
mean I think people are very friendly in New York from my experience but the kind
of the stereotype is you know not so much. So does that make sense? Just do
that X amount of times until it's manageable, until you're comfortable with
it, then add in a compliment and you can just do that from the asking for
directions and just saying, actually, the real reason I want to talk to you is
because I thought you're really cute. She says thank you, say, anyways have an
awesome day! And that's it, you leave. You don't keep going because you just start
small, but you keep going you keep doing that until you're doing a whole approach,
until you're getting phone numbers. It sounds easy right?
because it is, it is easy. So that's the second way. Progressive desensitization.
You see how you can do both of those together. The first one experiencing it
fully and then the second one is starting small working your way up, it's
just baby steps it's all this. And you can apply that to so many different
things, so many different fears, anything you're hesitant to do, I mean there's
things in work you can you can apply that to you know, it's like, you know,
authors they just say just sit down and just start typing something let's do
something it's the same thing, that's all you're doing is you're doing something
even just showing up saying I'm gonna go to the park today for an hour, it's like
going to the gym you know half the battles just showing up to the gym
you're probably gonna do something once you're there. Go to the park for an hour
you'll probably do something, and if you're not doing anything then don't. Go
back the what we're talking about, progressive desensitization, and feeling
it in your body do both of those. Now the third one is basically tricking yourself
into it. I was calling it the chicken exit, but that's that's not very
empowering... what do we call it? Forgot now... hey you change the name, right, anyways,
basically what it is it's it's similar to progressive desensitization baby
steps, it's when you want to see a girl you want to approach her and maybe
you've done the progressive desensitization but the approach
anxiety can still come up right? You've done, you've gone through those steps and
now you've gotten some phone numbers but then you haven't done it in a week or a
month because of whatever shouldn't be you know, you should be approaching more
often than that, but life comes up and you didn't and then you have anxiety
again, we'll go through progressive desensitization again but what you can
do when you see a girl that you want to approach instead of thinking I gotta go
attract her, I got to go get her phone number, or, wow she would be an amazing
girlfriend, maybe having those kind of thoughts like
wow she's so beautiful? Just think, I'm gonna go ask her for directions. I'm just
gonna go ask for the simple question, maybe I'll take it further, maybe I won't,
right? It's just like a roller coaster, when you, you know, when I was a little
kid I think five or something I was terrified of roller coasters and my mom
dragged me on to one and they have a chicken exit at the top so you can
basically say... okay, I'm gonna go in line but I don't know if I'm gonna ride the
roller coaster yet I'll think about it, by the time you get up there you can
either take the exit or you can ride the roller coaster, it's the same thing in a
sense. You're tricking yourself to go approach her, you're saying I'm just
gonna go ask her for directions... you can even think if she has a good reaction to
me asking for directions then I'll take it further, meaning, you know, she says... oh
yeah, Starbucks is over there, and you know a
little bit of a smile, just a positive tonality. Energy. But she's like, oh I
don't know, you know, something like that. You say... okay, well have an awesome day.
Because if she gives you a positive answer like... oh! And you know, smile. I mean,
you'll get a smile often just by asking somebody for directions we get a smile.
You know she's gonna give you a good reaction when you go direct and you say
actually I'm not looking for that, I just saw you here and I had to come over and
say hi to you. I thought you're really cute, or whatever, something like that.
You know she's gonna give you a good reaction. It's very unlikely that she's
gonna be like... oh yeah Starbucks is over there, and then she's like... oh wait you're
hitting on me? Now, and all of a sudden... I mean that could happen, I'm not gonna say you
can't but it's less likely, it's very, it's not very likely though, so you just
trick your mind you say I'm gonna go ask her for directions, maybe I'll take it
further, maybe I won't, based on her reaction. Okay, so experience it fully, you
can do that before you approach every single time even if you're just gonna
ask for directions if you feel anxiety feeling in your body, experience it,
progressive desensitization, taking small steps, start with wherever you're
comfortable with and just make a commitment, you've got to make a goal... you
got to say, I'm gonna do this. You know, every day five we call warm-up
approaches where you just ask for directions, just do something small, it's
like a little approach, you know, may not go any
further than that. I have a number that you do every day and then use the
chicken exit, we call it the non-committal approach, where you see her,
you just say I'm gonna go ask for directions and I'll take it further if
she seems nice or if I feel like it, and if I don't that's okay and if you don't
that's okay. That is okay, like don't beat yourself up if you didn't take it
further. After she leaves, you know, congratulate yourself say **** yeah I
did it. Okay, next time, next girl, maybe I'll take it even further. And I'll, you
know, I'll take it further next time. That's it! That's... those are the three
best ways to overcome approach anxiety, you do that I guarantee you approach
anxiety will become manageable, I can't promise you that it will completely go
away although for me most the time I've done it so many times that usually I
don't feel anything, but like I said, it put myself in a different situation I do
feel it it does come up and I have to go through these three steps and it works
you'll get over it quickly, it'll become manageable and at least you'll be able
to approach and get results. Hey man thanks for watching this video from a
seminar we recently did in New York and if you want to become even more
confident and boost your confidence and eliminate fear even faster, then make
sure to check out my free Confidence Cheat Sheet that gives you 18 different
ways to boost your confidence and eliminate fear in any situation, not just
picking up girls but any situation, we give you inner game and outer game
techniques to get there fast, so check that out there's a link to the right of
the screen and also down in the description. And if you want us to help
you out in field and personally mentor you on how to approach women and give
you live in field feedback, then check out our boot-camp schedule... we got boot
camps all over the US and all over the world! We're coming to Europe soon and
even Asia. So check that out and make sure to subscribe to this channel and
I'll see you in the next video. Cheers!