# [reflective music]
Dear six-year-old, training wheels are for babies.
Just let go already.
Regards, a seven-year-old.
Dear seven-year-old, no matter what anyone says,
stay weird.
Signed, an eight-year-old.
Dear eight-year-old, find out your babysitter's weakness,
then use it against them.
Signed, a nine-year-old.
Dear nine-year-old, don't get involved
with the 'popular' kids.
They're narcissistic capitalists
that know nothing about politics.
Signed, a 12-year-old.
Dear 12-year-old, ask her to dance.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed, a 16-year-old.
Dear 16-year-old, don't let your mom throw away your Legos.
Signed, an 18-year-old.
Dear 18-year-old, go easy on the makeup.
You're not as ugly as you think.
Love, a 19-year-old.
Dear 19-year-old, just because it's an all-you-can-eat buffet,
does not mean you need to eat all you can.
Your parents have better interest rates
than your credit card.
If he says he has a "weekend home" in the suburbs,
he's married.
That rust protection undercoating,
it's actually a great deal.
Whatever you do, never order the salad from a truck stop.
Back up your hard drive. Now.
I mean, who even does that?
Getting laid off can be a blessing in disguise.
Being a starving artist only works if you actually make art.
Always be kind to your family.
You'll need each other when things get tough.
Stop panicking. Being a single mom is an incredible thing.
I was 22, I had this little kid, named him Vladimir.
He's 14 now, he makes me proud. So proud.
Dear 36-year-old, stop caring so much
about what other people think.
They're not thinking about you at all.
Signed, a 47-year-old.
Dear 47-year-old, a mid-life crisis
does not look good on you.
Signed, a 48-year-old.
Dear 48-year-old, always tell the truth.
Except when it comes to your online dating profile.
Dear 51-year-old, one cat is enough cats.
Signed, a 53-year-old.
Dear 53-year-old, it's never too late to try something new.
I've decided to take my husband's Corvette
and go to racing school.
Dear 72-year-old, spend all your money.
Otherwise, your kids are going to do it for you.
Sincerely, an 85-year-old.
Dear 85-year-old...
My late wife made the best apple pie that you could ever find.
When she cut the pieces, she would cut small ones,
and when she came to me, she would cut a big one.
Dear 88-year-old, cultivate younger friends.
Sincerely, 91 years old.
Dear 91-year-old, don't listen to other people's advice.
Signed, a 93-year old.
# #
Just do your own thing. That's the way I see it.
The popular kids, they're so shallow.
They like hashtags and pop culture,
and it's like, I don't care.
That's never going to be relevant in the future.
If your babysitter hates feet,
Do a handstand and then put your feet right in their face.
No, but I'm willing to.
Dear 70-year-old, stay weird.
Signed, a 72-year-old.
I think that went good.