- Yeah, actually, my boyfriend proposed
on the third day of quarantine.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, yeah.
I said yes, obviously,
'cause I thought we had three months to live.
(audience laughing)
And two weeks ago we got married
(audience applauding)
Yeah, got married in Washington Square Park
which is nice.
There's something about my fiance, my husband now,
that he just makes me wanna say yes to everything.
Which is why we got married
where they shot the movie "Kids."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, but I love him.
And love is gross, honestly it is.
It's like a fart, you know?
It's like farting in public.
(audience laughing)
Feels good if you're the one doing it.
(audience laughing)
Everybody else is like, "We live in a society,
do that shit in your home."
(audience laughing)
- I think I'm done with breakup songs.
I think I've had enough.
They're just one person's bias take.
We're all just dancing to propaganda.
(audience laughing)
I was trying to think of some happy relationship songs
but they're also usually just from one person's perspective.
There's some duets, but for the most part
it's just one person giving their biased take.
I was in this hotel lobby
and they were playing Frank Sinatra
and that guy was always happy.
He was always singing about some happy fucking love shit.
(audience laughing)
But you're only getting his side of the story.
So he's just up there with this big band.
And he's just like...
♪ Look at me ♪
♪ Can't you see I'm in love ♪
You never hear her with her friends being like,
"I feel suffocated, all right."
(audience laughing)
"How am I gonna break up with this guy?
He knows the mafia.
You know, you can't..."
(audience laughing)
Breakup with the dude who's friends with the mafia.
Should have been a his turn, her turn sort of thing.
I would never have that confidence to sing about my love.
(audience laughing)
With a big band.
(audience laughing)
Recorded and released without her there.
I would want her perspective on it.
If she were not there, I would hedge all of my bets.
(audience laughing)
I'd be like...
♪ It's very new ♪
♪ We'll see, I guess ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Like her but very aware, we're recording this, so ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Haven't heard from her since 9:00 AM ♪
♪ But it's only 1:00 PM ♪
(audience laughing)
♪ Shouldn't need that much comfort during the day ♪
♪ Just projecting past insecurities ♪
(audience laughing)
Ba-dap, bap, ba-dap.
The horns would still be confident, you know.
(audience laughing)
- I have some great news.
I just got married.
(audience cheering)
Yes, it's amazing.
Actually it was five years ago,
but we're still paying for the wedding so it feels new.
(audience laughing)
And people never think I'm married
because I'm what's that word?
Happy.
And I'm just like very honest about relationships.
You have to be, you have to be truthful with yourself.
You know what I mean?
The love you start with is not the love you end with.
Marriage is not like the movie "The Notebook", okay.
You're not gonna live happily for 30, 40 years
and then die on the same day.
It doesn't happen.
You're gonna die slowly together for 30 years.
(audience laughing)
Like I know my man has got my back, you know what I mean?
When I'm older, he's gonna be changing my adult diapers.
(audience laughing)
And I'm gonna be sucking his pretend (beep).
(audience laughing)
Because it goes away, right sir?
Does it just like, go back inside
or fall off like a belly button when you're a baby?
It's like a zit, it just kind of like melts away?
(audience laughing)
And everybody wants to know the story too.
They're like, "Oh my God, how'd you meet him?"
"How'd it go down?"
"Tell me the story."
Like it's supposed to be like some rom com with JLo
and some overly attractive white boy you'd never heard of.
And honestly how I met my man,
I lost seven pounds and I wanted someone to see me naked.
(audience laughing)
Do you know how hard it is to lose seven pounds?
It's hard.
So I went out, I met him, he got me drunk,
I sat in his dick and fell in love.
(audience laughing)
That's right honey.
(audience applauding)
But you can't put that (beep) in your wedding vows
'cause people are very judgy.
(audience laughing)
- I got married in 2020.
(audience applauding)
Yeah, hell yeah, wedlock.
(audience laughing)
We got married a week before the lockdown.
So, pretty cool, you know.
Me and my wife, we were so in love, you know?
I was like, "Babe, I want to be with you forever and always.
I wanna be attached to you and never away from you."
And then this laboratory in China was like,
"We can actually make that happen."
(audience laughing)
We're running some cool experiments, gonna test your love.
(audience laughing)
I mean, a one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn with a dog.
Is for like a year, that was pretty rough, you know.
We got in a bunch of dumb fights.
We got into this one pretty heated debate
about whether or not Sherlock Holmes actually did opium.
(audience laughing)
You two had this fight yet?
Classic couple fight.
Dude, we were yelling at each other.
I was like, "Babe, he didn't actually do opium.
They just wrote that about him
to make him seem edgier and grittier
and cooler than he really was.
Like Batman or whatever."
And my wife was like, "No, of course he did opium.
Everyone back then did opium.
It was an epidemic, it was all over the street of London
and he just don't know your history.
You're a stupid person.
You got bad grades."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "How the hell
would he have been able to solve mysteries
if he was strung out on opium?
Use your fucking head, lady."
(audience laughing)
So we looked it up.
Turns out Sherlock Holmes, not a real person.
(audience laughing)
So, not real.
(audience applauding)
Didn't do the mysteries, didn't do opium.
I was technically right.
(audience laughing)
- This is serious.
If you wanna be happy in your relationship
this is what you need to do.
This is real, I Googled it.
(audience laughing)
You need to find your partner's love language.
Have you guys heard about this?
It's the way your partner feels loved.
You take a test to find out.
(audience laughing)
I don't know where you find a test.
Women just know.
(audience laughing)
They know, they'll send it to you
in the middle of your workday.
You gotta drop everything you're doing
and take the test so she knows how to love you.
And it always come from a trustworthy website.
Something like menareworthlessgarbage.com.
(audience laughing)
And you gotta pretend you know the website
so she don't get upset.
I don't know if you guys heard about this
but it's amazing what they can do with science now.
They can ask you a couple questions over the internet
and based on your answers they can determine
how the rest of your life is gonna turn out.
(audience laughing)
Easy questions.
They'll be like, "How do you like your steak?"
And you're like, "Medium well."
And they're like,
"You'll never satisfy a woman in the bedroom."
(audience laughing)
Like, wow, you can tell that off the steak now.
Okay, this is nice.
- I've only had really two serious boyfriends in my life.
And the first one definitely did not say it on his own.
He was a blackout drunk with a twin bed.
And that second part's not really that important.
I just kinda wanna paint a picture.
He had a twin bed.
He was 30 with a twin bed.
And I would be like, "Can you upgrade to a full
so I feel like a woman?"
(audience laughing)
And that's all it takes, you know?
(audience laughing)
And and he was like, "No, it's an extra long twin."
I was like, "Ooh, a California twin."
(audience laughing)
Wow, am I Rihanna?
Jesus.
(audience laughing)
So he would get blackout drunk all the time.
We were long distance.
He would get caught making out with girls in bars
back home where I was from.
My friends would see him, they'd call me, tell me about it.
I'd call him the next day and be like,
"What the fuck?"
And he was like, "I thought it was you."
And I was like, "Aww."
(audience laughing)
Like I was flattered.
Was she skinny?
Like, ugh.
So he was the worst.
He came to visit me for Valentine's Day.
And I was like, "Oh my God, he's so gonna say, I love you.
This is the trip."
And I got ready.
I told all my friends, I'm like, "This is it."
And it was a great night.
We went to this fancy dinner that I paid for.
(audience laughing)
And then we were in this alley.
And I was rubbing his back as he vomited
(audience laughing)
And it was just like everything I'd wanted.
And he just got really sick and passed out.
And I was like, "Oh my God."
Like he didn't say I love you.
I think he may have said, "I hate you."
(audience laughing)
It's like it was the worst time.
But I was like, "Wait a second.
When he gets blackout drunk
he doesn't remember anything he does or says.
So I'll just make last night whatever I want it to be."
So this is true, I swear to God.
I woke him up the next morning and I was like,
"Hey, do you remember what you said to me last night?"
He was like, "No, I'm sorry, what?"
And I was like, "No, you told me you love me."
(audience laughing)
And he was like, "I did?"
And I was like, "Yeah."
And he was like, "Okay."
And that's it.
(audience laughing)
He started saying it after that.
- I would love to share a love story with you guys.
This is a love story that actually documents
my first experience with love
growing up in Seattle Washington.
I was 14 years old.
And it's titled "Instant Messenger."
(audience laughing)
(mellow guitar music)
The year was 1994.
And my dad brought home the first family computer.
It was an Apple, thanks dad.
(audience laughing)
He brought it inside and he put it on the table.
He said, "Nick, I can't set this up, I'm too old."
(audience laughing)
I grabbed his hand I said, "I can do it, Eric."
He said, "Call me Dad."
I said, "All right Dad."
(audience laughing)
I had 1,250 free minutes of AOL burning in my back pocket.
My dad said, "Nick, you're too young.
Can't have your own screen name yet, but you can use mine."
It was a salmon with an E-R-D at the end of it.
Salmonerd.
(audience laughing)
So I got online as Salmonerd
and found out about chatting pretty quick.
And that's where I met her, Insynchottie503.
(audience laughing)
♪ Insynchottie503 ♪
♪ I heart her and she smiley-faced all over me ♪
♪ Smiley-faced on me ♪
Sometimes Insynchottie503 would say stuff.
And I'd be like, "What?"
And she'd be like, "Jk."
And I'd be like, "Lol."
(audience laughing)
Because you guys, I knew she was just kidding.
But I was literally laughing out loud.
And if you're doing that
while talking to somebody on the internet,
you have to tell them.
(audience laughing)
I spent most of the day minimizing when my Dad walked by.
(audience laughing)
Insynchottie503 told me she was a 22 year old actress,
just moved to Hollywood two months ago.
She was nervous because the next day,
which was tomorrow back then,
she was gonna be on TV for the first time.
Full House, TGIF.
She was an extra.
I told, "Hey I know what it's like to be nervous.
I have a pretty big next day myself.
'Cause I'm going out to sea for six months.
I'm a 25 year old fisherman in Alaska."
(audience laughing)
Deadliest salmon run known to man.
I wasn't scared because they call me Salmonerd for a reason.
(audience laughing)
At one point I had to go to the bathroom.
So I wrote brb and I came back a few minutes later
an Insynchottie503 had written
question mark, question mark, frowny face.
And I said, "Listen, I'm sorry Insynchottie503,
but brb means be right back."
She said, "No Salmonerd, I know what brb means.
But I don't know if you are gonna brb from that salmon run.
And that's when I said, caps lock,
"Don't do this right now."
(audience laughing)
"Just top yelling at me."
I said, "Sorry" in lowercase case.
(audience laughing)
I said, "Listen I can't lie to you anymore.
I'm a 14 year old kid in Seattle and I'm scared."
She said, "Where's cattle?"
And I was like, "You know,
that's a stupid abbreviation on my part, it's Seattle."
(audience laughing)
Few minutes went by.
No response.
Sign off, sign on.
(Nick whispering)
Sign off, sign on.
(audience laughing)
Finally she said, "Salmonerd?" question mark.
And I said, "Yes, Insynchottie503?", dot, dot, dot.
She said, "I know who you are
because I'm your 57 year old neighbor, Jim"
(audience laughing)
♪ Insynchottie503 ♪
♪ I cry-faced her ♪
♪ Right after she winky-faced all over me ♪
♪ Winky-Faced on me ♪
She didn't actually do a regular winky face.
She did a semicolon beginning parenthesis.
Which is a winky-frowny face.
I don't even know if that's a real emotion.
(audience laughing)
I mean, I guess it's kind of like saying,
"Hey, I'm unhappy but you get it right?"
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
(upbeat music)