- You ever eat with a group of white people?
Food be free.
(audience laughing)
They be fighting over the bill, too.
"Tom. Gimme the bill, Tom.
(audience laughing)
(chuckles) You paid the last three times, Tom.
Tom, gimme the bill.
(chuckles) This guy.
Tom, gimme the bill, Tom.
(audience laughing)
Quit being a prick, man.
Just gimme the fuckin' bill, bro.
(audience laughing)
All right. Now here's Uber money for everyone."
(audience laughing)
I drove, but I took that Uber money.
(audience laughing)
You ever go eat with a group of Blacks?
(audience lightly laughing)
Stressful than a motherfucker.
(audience laughing)
First of all, when you see the waiter walk up
with just one check,
(audience laughing)
you automatically like, "God damn."
(audience laughing)
This motherfucker didn't separate these motherfuckers?
(audience laughing)
Told this motherfucker nine times
to separate these motherfuckers.
(audience laughing)
You ever try to catch your waiter by himself
away from your party?
"Excuse me. You know where the restrooms are?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, let me take care of mine right now, if you don't mind.
(audience laughing)
Hold it down, nigga. Hold it down.
Yeah, just my shit, mm-hmm.
What I have?
The catfish nuggets."
(audience laughing)
It's always that one bitch with a calculator.
(audience laughing)
"Okay, who had the 17 moscatos?
(audience laughing)
Felicia drunk ass.
(audience laughing)
Bitch, it was you 'cause after the 15th one
I was like watch this goofy bitch
get two more of the motherfuckers."
(audience laughing)
- I said, "Oh, and you don't need to offer up dessert.
I'm taking care of that in the room."
And he goes, "Okay."
And he turns around like this,
(audience laughing)
and leaves.
(audience laughing and applauding)
I'm like, "I like Craig".
So we start eating this meal,
and every course that comes out
just ends up being weirder than the next.
(audience lightly laughing)
It's too fancy for us. It's too fancy.
It's a lot of foams, and tentacles, and shells.
A lot of stuff from that ocean I keep hearing about.
(audience laughing)
So everything is just a hair off.
But we finally finish dinner,
and I'm ready to get the night going,
and Craig goes, "Hi, ladies. Who wants dessert?"
I'm like, "Not us, Craig."
He goes, "Oops."
(audience laughing)
I'm like, "Craig,
you had two jobs, bud."
(audience laughing)
How could someone be so excited and incompetent
all in one body?
(audience laughing)
- I made the mistake one night
of assuming the guy working the stand was Mexican.
He wasn't.
(audience lightly laughing)
I even spoke Spanish to him, which is a no-no.
The rule is when engaging a brown person,
you must speak English to them first,
and then if there's a language barrier,
then you go to plan B, high school Spanish.
(audience lightly laughing)
You start off in English.
"Hello sir, may I-
(Gabriel speaks in Spanish)
Oh, hold on. I got this, I got this.
(Gabriel speaks in Spanish) Hola.
(audience laughing)
So I walked up to this guy at the stand,
and I was like, you know, he reminded me of a tio, you know?
So I was like, you know, (speaks in Spanish),
which is like, "Hello friend, how are you?"
And he responded, "What are you saying to me?"
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were Mexican.
"No, no. I am not a Mexican.
I am not a Mexican. I am Greek."
Greek?
Shit, I was way off.
(audience laughing)
"I'm sorry, bro. It's late. I'm tired.
Can I have two tacos?"
"What you mean can I have two tacos?
I just finished tell you, I am not a Mexican, I am Greek.
I do not sell taco.
I sell gyro."
"Gyro?"
And then I remember seeing writing on the front of the cart
and I just thought it was like the guy's name
or something, right?
(audience lightly laughing)
I was like, it spells it out. G-Y-R-O.
Gyro.
He got all pissy.
"It is not a gyro, it is gyro."
"That shit says gyro."
"It is gyro!"
"Bro, I'm tired. It's late. What is a gyro?"
(audience lightly laughing)
"It's like a taco."
(audience laughing)
"Gimme two."
And by the way,
if I'm the one telling you about cancel culture,
it's already gone way too far
because I pride myself in the fact
that I'm not a comedian who's divisive.
That's why I don't talk about politics,
religion, or sports, okay?
(audience applauding)
Because all three will divide people.
That's why I talk about food.
(audience laughing)
Because food brings people together.
(audience cheering)
That's right.
Unless you're vegan.
(audience laughing)
In which case you can leave right now.
I don't give a shit, I really don't.
(audience laughing)
I don't care if I offend you and your salad.
You can leave. Bye.
(audience laughing)
And the only reason why I'm so ugh on the vegans
is because I once was vegan.
'Cause yeah, after Covid,
I wasn't sure what was gonna happen.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, the only good thing I can say about 2020 for me
was the fact that for some reason
I managed to lose 70 pounds.
(audience cheering)
Thank you. Yeah.
Yeah. I lost 70 pounds.
People ask me, "What's your secret?"
I said, "There's no secret.
They closed all the goddamn restaurants.
(audience laughing) That's the secret."
I didn't know how to cook.
That was the secret.
- You know when you're eating,
and you take, like, one extra bite too much,
and you can feel yourself gain weight
(audience laughing)
because your bra gets tight?
(audience laughing)
You know what I'm talking about?
(audience cheering)
I call it "the thickening".
(audience laughing)
And boys, you need to know about the thickening
because so many of our behaviors as women,
you're like, "Oh, she just went crazy.
Everything was fine."
No, 'twas the thickening.
(audience laughing) It's not you.
You brought us for a nice meal.
It's not your fault.
Every girl's been sitting there,
they're like, "I'm having the best time,
and I'm- Pfft. Uh-oh.
(audience laughing)
Get me outta here.
And you should know,
once the thickening happens, it's over,
and it's nothing you did.
We need to go to a safe space and eat more food, okay?
(audience laughing)
That's what the thickening is.
(audience cheering)
She's not horny.
She just, you gotta get her out of there.
No woman's ever been like, "Ugh, I just feel so gross.
Let's fuck it out of me."
(audience laughing) It's over.
Give it a beat.
I was feeling so bad about myself, and so mad at myself,
and just, ugh, just awful.
And my husband looks at me and he goes,
"Well, I think you're beautiful."
(audience awws)
(comedian roaring)
(audience laughing)
It's not about what you think.
(audience laughing)
- Why are we even talking about this?
Let's get some ice cream and enjoy the day.
(audience laughing)
My wife quit sugar in January
because she had cookies, like a monster,
(audience chuckles)
all through December.
And on January 1st, came marching into the kitchen.
"That's it. I'm never eating sugar again."
Yes, you are.
And you're gonna eat more than you ever ate before.
(audience laughing)
And not because you're weak,
but because you're a human being, and you get sad sometimes.
And to stop yourself from slitting your own throat,
eat a cookie once in a while.
(audience laughing)
I have friends in my life that don't eat bread anymore.
They don't eat bread!
(audience laughing)
They're gonna lose three-and-a-half pounds.
No one's ever gonna know.
(audience laughing)
And they don't eat bread.
(audience laughing)
Why are you even here?
(audience applauding and cheering)
Could you imagine no toast in the morning
with butter for the rest of your life?
Kill yourself.
(audience laughing)
- I feel like there should be a rule in America.
They should say, "You can hate immigrants all you want,
but if you do, you don't get to eat their food."
(audience cheering)
Yeah?
That's a fair exchange for me.
You hate immigrants,
no immigrant food.
And when I say no immigrant food,
I mean no immigrant food, nothing.
No Mexican food, no Caribbean food,
no Dominican food, no Asian food, nothing.
Only potatoes.
(audience laughing)
And I'm not even saying, like, flavored potatoes.
I'm saying plain potatoes.
No spice.
'Cause no immigrants, no spice.
Don't ever forget that.
Both figuratively and literally.
No spice.
And I know some people would take that.
I know, I know.
I know there's some people right now
who'd be like, "Well you know what, Trevor,
take your immigrants, take your spice,
and get the hell outta here."
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you say that now
(audience lightly laughing)
'cause you've never lived a life without spice.
(audience lightly laughing)
But don't ever forget,
a life without spice was so hard,
so hard,
that it made white people sail around the world to find it.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
And like,
this wasn't regular sailing.
This wasn't like a Disney cruise.
These people sailed at a time
when they believed if you went that way,
you would fall off the edge of the Earth, and die.
And still, some man out there
was eating some white lady's cooking,
and he was like, "I can't do this shit anymore!
(audience laughing)
I'm sailing that way!"
"But what if you die?"
"At least it's exciting."
(audience laughing)
No immigrants, no spice.
A guy by the name of David Meyer,
he came to South Africa to film a documentary.
We became the best of friends.
And one day we were hanging out in Dave's apartment,
and Dave's chilling on his beanbag.
And he looks over at me and he's like,
"Trevor, dude,
I don't know about you right now,
(audience lightly laughing)
but I'm starving."
Said, "I think you mean you're hungry, Dave."
(audience laughing)
"Say what?"
I said, "It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
What do you want to eat?"
(audience laughing)
"So you know what I'm craving right now, man?
I'm craving tacos."
I was like, "Oh, that sounds like fun. Let's do it man.
Let's go to tacos."
"What?"
(audience laughing)
"Isn't that the restaurant you're craving? Tacos?"
"Are you being serious right now?
(audience laughing)
You've never had tacos?"
Said, "No, I don't, I don't know what tacos is."
"You've never had tacos?"
(audience laughing)
"My answer hasn't changed from now, Dave. No."
(audience laughing)
Never had tacos."
"You've never had tacos?"
And by the way, I hate it when people do that.
You know when people ask you the same question
over and over again
'cause they can't believe you haven't had
the exact same life experience.
You know that thing people do?
Like, with everything they'll be like, "Oh, my god.
Have you heard the new Beyonce?"
"No. No, I haven't."
"You haven't heard the new Beyonce?"
"No, no, I haven't."
"You haven't heard the new Beyonce?"
"Oh, no. Now I have. Now I have.
(audience laughing)
No, I'd never had tacos, right?
I'd never had tacos because in South Africa,
we don't really have Mexican food, okay?
We don't have Mexican food
because we don't have Mexicans.
They never came over. It's not my fault.
(audience laughing)
Dave was personally offended.
I'll never forget, he jumped up and he was like,
"Dude, I cannot believe you've been in America all this time
and you've never had tacos!"
I said, "Dave, why is it such a big deal?"
He's like, "Because Trevor,
nothing says America like tacos."
(audience laughing)
I said, "Really?
Nothing says America like Mexican food?"
(audience laughing)
And you know what's funny is I feel like in that moment,
I feel like Dave was being profound.
(audience lightly laughing)
He didn't even realize it,
but that was a profound little nugget
that he had just espoused.
"Nothing says America like tacos."
I've had the privilege of traveling everywhere
in this beautiful country.
I've been to places like Erie, Pennsylvania, El Paso, Texas,
Honolulu, Hawaii.
You know, I've been everywhere.
And one thing I've learned
across the board in America
is that Americans love tacos.
(audience cheering)
Everywhere you go.
Americans love tacos!
Love tacos!
Even people you wouldn't expect.
I was watching the news one day,
and there was a guy at a rally, right?
And they were asking him
about immigration and families being separated, et cetera.
And this guy, like regardless of his politics,
like, he was being really mean,
and xenophobic, and racist, you know?
Just acting real presidential.
And the journalist asked him about children,
and he just went straight in.
He was like, "Boy, I'll tell you what.
I don't give a damn
about any of these goddamn Mexicans, you hear?
They came over here.
They ain't supposed to be here, boy! Woo!
It's our country now, you hear? That's right, boy.
Go back to where you came from. Woo!
These Mexicans ain't done nothin' good!
They ain't brought nothin' good to America!
We don't need y'all!
Come on, Bubba.
It's Taco Tuesdays!"
(audience laughing)