>> Stephen: HEY,.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
ARE YOU COLD?
THIS IS FREEZING IN HERE.
I'M HOLDING ON TO THIS LIKE A LIFE RAFT.
OH, MY GOSH.
I HOPE YOU'RE WARM AND TOASTY EVERYWHERE YOU ARE OUT THERE,
AMERICA.
AFTER A YEAR OF THIS PANDEMIC, THIS NATION IS FINALLY STARTING
TO FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER, THANKS TO THE WIDESPREAD
AVAILABILITY OF VACCINES.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE TEARS, HUGS, AND SEXY SNAPS.
HELLO, LADIES!
I'M HALFWAY TO IMMUNE!
AND, YES, I'M THAT PALE ALL OVER.
LAUGH YEAH.
I'M IMMORTAL, HALFWAY TO BEING IMMORTAL AT THIS POINT.
ONE MORE SHOT, BULLETS CAN'T STOP ME.
SO LET'S FIND OUT THE WAY THE VACCINE IS CHANGING THE SCENE IN
OUR NEW RECURRING SEGMENT: THE VAC-SINE."
♪ SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT! ♪ ♪ SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT! ♪
♪ SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
( LAUGHTER )
STALL!
WHY THE CAN-CAN, YOU ASK?
I ASKED THAT MYSELF.
THE ANSWER-- PUBLIC DOMAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
THINGS, REALLY.
WHEN JOE BIDEN WAS RUNNING, HE PROMISED 100 MILLION SHOTS IN
100 DAYS, BUT WE'VE BLOWN PAST THAT BARRIER, BABY!
THE U.S. IS NOW ADMINISTERING ABOUT THREE MILLION DOSES PER
DAY, ON AVERAGE.
THIS ADMINISTRATION IS DELIVERING PRICKS IN ARMS!
AS OPPOSED TO THE LAST ADMINISTRATION, WHICH DELIVERED
ARMED PRICKS.
IN FACT, AT THE RATE WE'RE GOING, THE U.S.A. WILL REACH 75%
VACCINATION IN THREE MONTHS, AHEAD OF EVERY OTHER COUNTRY.
IN YOUR FACE, NUMBER TWO CHILE!
NEXT WE'RE COMING FOR YOUR CASUELA NOGADA-- A DELICIOUS
BLEND OF VEGETABLES AND WALNUT SAUCE THAT I DEFINITELY KNEW
ABOUT BEFORE GOOGLING "CHILEAN CUISINE" THIS MORNING,
THANK YOU.
GRACIAS.
THE VACCINE ROLLOUT IS GOING SO WELL THAT THIS AFTERNOON,
PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED INSTEAD OF THE ORIGINAL DEADLINE
OF MAY 1, EVERY ADULT IN THE UNITED STATES WILL BE ELIGIBLE
TO BE VACCINATED BY APRIL 19.
WAY TO GO, JOE!
GETTING IT DONE EARLY-- ALTHOUGH, SUPPORTERS OF THE
PREVIOUS PRESIDENT ARE QUICK TO POINT OUT THAT HE WAS ABLE TO
FINISH HIS ENTIRE PRESIDENCY A WHOLE FOUR YEARS BEFORE HIS
ORIGINAL GOAL.
TODAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN VISITED A VACCINATION SITE AT A SEMINARY
IN ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA.
AND POPS JOE DID NOT WASTE ANY TIME LAYING ON SOME CONFUSING
CHARM.
>> JUST DON'T ASK ME TO PLAY THE PIANO OR THE ORGAN.
I CAN'T.
( LAUGHTER )
NO TALENT AT ALL.
MY DAD USED TO PLAY THE SAXOPHONE, HAD A BAND WHEN HE
WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
HE'D LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "JOEY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU CAME
FROM."
HE'D SAY, "YOU HAVE TWO LEFT FEET, YOU CAN'T DANCE, YOU CAN'T
CARRY A TUNE IN A WHEELBARROW."
AND THEN HE'D SAY, "YOU HAVE NO LIP TO PLAY A REED INSTRUMENT,
BUT, YOU KNOW."
SO I HAD TO BECOME PRESIDENT.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: I MOON THIS WITH RESPECT AND ADMIRATION-- I DON'T
KNOW IF HE KNOWS WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW.
"TELL YOU, MY POPS USED TO SAY,' JOEY GET YOURSELF A NICE
SAXOPHONE.
SOMEBODY WILL BE WITH YOU IN YOUR OLD AGE.
MAKE SURE IT HAS TENNIS SHOES ON TWO OF ITS FEET.
MAKE THEM LEFT.
WHO SMELLS TOAST?
'"
ANYWAY, A WISE LESSON TO ALL THE PARENTS OUT THERE:
IF YOU TELL YOUR KIDS THEY HAVE NO TALENT, ONE DAY THEY COULD BE
PRESIDENT. IF YOU SUPPORT THEIR DREAMS FOR A MOMENT, THEY COULD
END UP GETTING A USELESS DEGREE IN THEATRE ARTS AND THEN HAVE TO
SETTLE FOR HOSTING A SHOW ON CBS.
THIS ACCELERATED VACCINE SCHEDULE IS REVVING UP HERE IN
THE BIG APPLE, TOO, BECAUSE TODAY, IN NEW YORK CITY,
COVID-19 VACCINE ELIGIBILITY WAS EXPANDED TO ANYONE AGE 16 AND
OVER.
NEW YORKERS CAN PROVE THEY'RE 16 BY SHOWING EITHER A DRIVER'S
LICENSE OR A D.M. FROM MATT GAETZ.
BUT THERE ARE STILL PLENTY OF PEOPLE ACTING COVID
IRRESPONSIBLE.
FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, THE TEXAS RANGERS PLAYED THEIR HOME
OPENER IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF 38,000 PEOPLE.
I GOTTA SAY, IT KIND OF LOOKS FUN, BUT EVEN THE RANGERS' OWN
GENERAL MANAGER ACKNOWLEDGED THE DANGER, SAYING, "HAVING A LOT OF
PEOPLE THAT CLOSE TOGETHER DOES KIND OF GO MAYBE AGAINST SOME OF
THE RECOMMENDATIONS," ADDING, "I THINK IT'S A ONE-TIME EVENT."
WELL, SURE, SO NO PROBLEM.
( AS FATHER )
WE AGREED THAT NOT USING BIRTH CONTROL WAS A ONE-TIME EVENT!
AND I BUNTED!"
FOR THOSE KEEPING SCORE, THE RANGERS LOST 6-2.
SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THE FANS WERE SO EXCITED.
THEY ONLY HAVE 80 MORE CHANCES THIS SEASON TO SEE THE RANGERS
LOSE AT HOME.
IN OTHER BASEBALL NEWS, TODAY, M.L.B. FORMALLY ANNOUNCED THEY
WERE MOVING THE ALL-STAR GAME FROM GEORGIA TO DENVER.
OKAY, NORMALLY PEOPLE ONLY MOVE TO COLORADO IF THEY'RE FOUNDING
A STARTUP THEY KEEP CALLING "UBER FOR WEED."
OBVIOIUSLY CALLED "DOOBER."
MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA.
DO NOT STEAL.
THE GAME WAS MOVED TO PROTEST GEORGIA'S NEW VOTER SUPPRESSION
LAWS, WHICH GIVE PEOPLE LESS TIME TO REQUEST ABSENTEE
BALOTS, CURTAILS BALLOT ACCESS FOR VOTERS IN URBAN COUNTIES,
AND MAKES OFFERING FOOD OR WATER TO VOTERS WAITING IN LINE A
MISDEMEANOR.
THAT'S GOING TO MAKE FOR SOME INTERESTING JAILBREAK MOVIES IN
THE FUTURE.
"ALL RIGHT THIS IS FRANKIE.
HE'S DOING LIFE FOR MURDER.
THIS IS SPIDER, DOING HARD TIME FOR ARSON.
AND THIS IS PETE.
HE HANDED A KIT KAT TO AN OLD LADY WHOSE BLOOD SUGAR WAS LOW.
AND HE'D DO IT AGAIN."
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CONDEMNED THE LAWS, ALONG WITH COMPANIES
LIKE FACEBOOK, GOOGLE,
JPMORGAN CHASE, BANK OF AMERICA,
APPLE, MICROSOFT,
AFLAC, COCA-COLA,
DELTA AIRLINES, AND HOME DEPOT.
REPUBLICANS ARE NOW BOYCOTTING SOME OF THESE BRANDS.
THEY'VE DUBBED COCA-COLA WOKE-A-COLA, AND THEY SAY
THEY'RE DRINK PEPSI INSTEAD.
THEY WERE GOING TO GO WITH RC COLA, UNTIL THEY DISCOVERED
IT STANDS FOR "RADICAL COMMUNISM.
THE FLAVOR BELONGS TO THE PROLETARIAT!"
LEADING THE CHARGE AGAINST THESE BUSINESSES IS SENATE MINORITY
LEADER AND GUY GLEEFULLY NOT HOLDING THE ELEVATOR FOR
YOU, MITCH McCONNELL.
McCONNELL THREATENED PUNITIVE LEGISLATIVE ACTION AGAINST THE
PROTESTING CORPORATIONS, WARNING THAT IF IT CONTINUES, IT WOULD
"INVITE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES."
AND TO DRIVE THE THREAT HOME, THE C.E.O. OF AFLAC WOKE UP NEXT
TO A SEVERED DUCK HEAD.
THEN McCONNELL SAID THIS: >> MY ADVICE TO THE CORPORATE
C.E.O.s OF AMERICA IS TO STAY OUT OF POLITICS.
>> Stephen: YES, CORPORATIONS, MITCH McCONNELL WANTS YOU TO
STAY OUT OF POLITICS, WHICH IS WHY I'M SURE ANY DAY NOW, HE'S
GOING TO RETURN "THE $4.3 MILLION HE'S ACCEPTED FROM
CORPORATIONS IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS."
AND I'M BEING TOLD HE'S NOT GOING TO DO THAT AND HE MADE AN
ADDITIONAL STATEMENT.
>> MY WARNING TO CORPORATE AMERICA IS TO STAY OUT OF
POLITICS.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT POLITICAL CONTRIBUTIONS.
( AS McCONNELL )
YOU'RE SO MUCH PRETTIER WHEN YOU DON'T TALK.
NOW, SPREAD OPEN THAT WALLET, BABY, AND GIVE OL' MITCH A PEEK
AT THAT BOTTOM LINE."
I'M GOING TO ( BLEEP ) YOUR WALLET.
LAUGH CASH ISN'T THE ONLY WAY
McCONNELL'S BEING A HYPOCRITE HERE.
BACK IN 2013, HE DEFENDED THE SUPREME COURT'S "CITIZENS
UNITED" RULING THAT CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE THUSLY.
>> THE COURT DECISION WAS ACTUALLY FAIRLY UNREMARKABLE.
ALL IT REALLY SAID WAS UNDER THE FIRST AMENDMENT, EVERY
CORPORATION IN AMERICA SHOULD BE FREE TO PARTICIPATE IN THE
POLITICAL PROCESS.
>> tephen: I'D CALL THAT A SELF-OWN, BUT HE'S ALREADY
100% OWNED BY CORPORATIONS.
VACCINES AREN'T THE ONLY THING GIVING THIS COUNTRY A SHOT IN
THE ARM, BECAUSE JOE BIDEN IS ROLLING OUT HIS $2.3 TRILLION
INFRASTRUCTURE PLAN.
AND EVEN WITH THAT KIND OF DOUGH, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE
EASY. AMERICA'S A FIXER-UPPER.
JOE IS GOING TO HAVE TO GO FULL HGTV.
THANKFULLY, THE MIDWEST IS ALREADY OPEN CONCEPT.
AND NO MATTER WHAT, IT WILL BE BETTER THAN THE PREVIOUS GUY'S
PLAN: "LOVE IT OR LIST PUERTO RICO."
THE THING IS, FIXING OUR ROADS MIGHT BE A BIT OF A BUMPY ROAD.
BECAUSE McCONNELL HAS VOWED TO DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO BLOCK
THE BILL, OUT OF FEAR IT MIGHT HELP SOMEONE OTHER THAN MITCH
McCONNELL.
OVERCOMING HIS FILIBUSTER WOULD TAKE 60 VOTES, SO THE DEMOCRATS
WANT TO PASS INFRASTRUCTURE THE SAME WAY THEY PASSED THE
STIMULUS, THROUGH A PROCESS CALLED "RECONCILIATION," WHICH
REQUIRES ONLY 51 VOTES.
BUT TO DO THAT, THEY FIRST HAD TO SEEK APPROVAL FROM THE ONLY
INDIVIDUAL WITH THE POWER TO INTERPRET SENATE PROCEDURAL
RULES, THE SHADOWY FIGURE KNOWN AS THE SENATE PARLIAMENTARIAN.
YES, THE ALL-SEEING ORACLE INVESTED WITH SINGULAR AUTHORITY
OVER WHICH BILL MAY PASS BY A SIMPLE SENATE MAJORITY, AND
WHICH BILL MUST BURN FOREVER IN THE FIRES OF MITCH McCONNELL'S
RECYCLING BIN.
AND NOW, LET US GAZE UPON THIS SENATE SORCERER SUPREME, STEEPED
IN THE ANCIENT ARCANA OF PARLIAMENTARY SOULCRAFT.
BEHOLD, THE DREAD VISAGE OF ELIZABETH MacDONOUGH!
WAAAHHHHH!
ARE THOSE WRITHING SNAKES ON HER HEAD, OR IS IT JUST A
SENSIBLE BOB?
IT'S A SENSIBLE BOB.
IT'S A LONG BOB-- A LOB.
WELL, YESTERDAY, MacDONOUGH ISSUED HER RULING:
"THE DEMOCRATS CAN USE RECONCILIATION FOR THEIR
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL."
HELL, YEAH!
WE HAVE A FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY!
BRIEFLY!
IN THIS COUNTRY, THE MAJORITY DECIDES!
AS LONG AS IT'S OKAY WITH A RANDOM, UNELECTED APPOINTEE WITH
A TITLE THAT SOUNDS LIKE SHE SHOULD BE WEARING A FUNNY HAT.
THE RULING MEANS THE DEMOCRATS CAN ESSENTIALLY REOPEN THE
BUDGET PLAN THAT ALREADY PASSED IN FEBRUARY AND ADD NEW STUFF
TO IT.
WE BOUGHT OURSELVES A LITTLE TIME HERE.
LIKE IF THE TEACHER SAYS YOUR PAPER IS DUE AT MIDNIGHT, BUT
YOU KNOW SHE'S NOT GOING TO LOOK AT IT UNTIL TOMORROW, SO YOU
EMAIL HER A GOOGLE DOC LINK, WHICH GIVES YOU A FEW MORE HOURS
TO FIGURE OUT WHAT STEINBECK HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE AMERICAN DREAM.
IT TURNS OUT THE DREAM WAS ABOUT ANGRY GRAPES.
( LAUGHTER )
UP, BUT THERE'S STILL A MAJOR CRISIS LOOMING THAT POTENTIALLY
AFFECTS EVERY AMERICAN.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT THE NATIONWIDE KETCHUP SHORTAGE.
OH, MY GOD!
A KETCHUP SHORTAGE?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DIP MY FRENCH FRIES IN?
AND MY CHICKEN FINGERS?
AND MY REGULAR FINGERS?
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR!
NOW THAT I'VE TOLD YOU TO PANIC, DON'T PANIC.
BECAUSE THERE'S PLENTY OF BOTTLES.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT DURING THE PANDEMIC, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
ORDERING SO MUCH TAKE-OUT AND DELIVERY THAT RESTAURANTS ARE
HAVING A HARD TIME STOCKING KETCHUP PACKETS.
SUDDENLY, YOUR MOM FILLING THE REFRIGERATOR BUTTER HOLDER WITH
KETCHUP PACKETS ISN'T SO CRAZY.
THAT'S YOUR COLLEGE FUND NOW.
NO ONE IS SAFE-- BARS, DINERS, EVEN FAST-FOOD GIANTS ARE
PLEADING FOR PACKETS.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT JACK IN THE BOX WAS SEEN IN THE BUS
STATION OFFERING TO JACK YOUR BOX FOR A HANDFUL OF PACKETS.
LOOKS LIKE THAT GUY IS GOING TO TAKE HIM UP ON IT, TOO.
IS THAT JOG ROGAN?
WHO IS THAT?
THE BIG-TIME PLAYER HERE IS HEINZ, WHICH MAKES UP A
STAGGERING 70% OF THE KETCHUP MARKET AND WASN'T PREPARED FOR
THE PANDEMIC.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: HEINZ-SIGHT IS 20-20.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO RONAN FARROW AND BRANDI CARLILE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
♪ ♪ ♪