Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you the two fatal mistakes that I see a lot of people making
when they're trying to save their relationship.
And I really want you to stick around until the very end of this video,
because these two fatal mistakes are something that no one really talks about,
but there are the exact things that will sabotage your action to save your
marriage in the most subconscious way without you even knowing the damage you're
doing.
And so I really want to make sure that you capture everything I'm saying here,
because this has been some of the most life changing realizations that I've made
myself when I was trying to save my own relationship,
but also for a lot of my students as well.
And I'm sure you find this to be eyeopening for you also.
And if you're new to this channel,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or in marriages with
the right skills and with the right mindsets to be able to design a thriving
relationship. So if you want more content like this one,
then be sure to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos every single week.
Now, before we begin,
I want to let you know that the registration for the master class in the five
proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up is still open.
So if you're interested in joining that masterclass,
then be sure to stick around until the end of this video for the announcement on
how you can get it on that. Now, of course,
this video is not going to be the most comprehensive video.
There's going to be a lot of other mistakes that people make when they're trying
to save the relationship.
And I've talked a lot about some of this other things and a lot of my other
videos.
So we'll go ahead and place the links to those other videos or those other
playlist in the bottom of this video description below.
If you want to watch more about the key mistakes that you can avoid and what you
can do when you're trying to save your marriage here, but in this video,
I'm going to show you the two big and fail mistakes that I see a lot of people
making that I think will be extremely eyeopening for you.
And so the first mistake that I see is when people are being tethered to either
the outcome or to their partner, what do I mean by this?
So most of you in the position of trying to save your relationship are going to
be in a position where you're dealing with a partner who maybe has given up
maybe has lost hope in the future of view or the relationship,
perhaps your partner is feeling extremely negative at all.
They can think about all they can say are just negative things about you,
the past their relationship.
And perhaps she says that she's really made up her mind.
And no matter what you do, even if you change,
she still will decide to leave you anyway. So if their partner has given up,
if their partner feels hopeless, if their partner gets negative,
then you also want to give up. You also feel hopeless. You also get negative.
And so you're tethered here. If your partial is negative and hopeless,
you go down along with her.
Now why this is bad is that this is really not how a leader of the relationship
should act for one here.
You're basically letting your partner and your circumstance,
your outcome define how you feel. You're tethered by it.
Instead of you sourcing your own power from within.
And you're the one affecting actual circumstance.
You're being in a very powerless position here,
but when you can affect influence external forces,
that's when you are extremely powerful.
And the second reason why this is really,
really bad is that it really makes the negative outcomes,
a self fulfilling prophecy.
Because what you need to understand here is that your beliefs leads to your
attitudes.
Your attitudes leads to your actions and your actions leads to your outcome.
So if your belief right now is that if your partner tells you it's hopeless and
you allow that to guide your beliefs,
then your beliefs will determine your attitude and your attitude would be,
if my partner has really given up, then why should I even try?
And so what happens is this attitude affects your action.
And your action now is you either take no action or you come up with a lot of
needy and, uh,
actions that come out of anxiety here to respond to your situation.
And when your actions are either no action or very needy actions,
then the outcome is very obvious. There's really no hope for the both of you.
So if you feel tethered to your partner,
if your partner being down makes you down,
then you are in no position to actually reverse that feedback loop.
And you are going to drown. Now, the second big mistake,
the second fatal mistake that I see people make is when they focus on the
external changes, not the internal genuine changes. What do we mean by this?
Again?
So most people tend to focus 80% of their effort into learning the
tactics. Jeff, tell me what to say.
Tell me what to do and very little time on how to actually think about what
they're saying or how to actually think behind the actions.
So they spend maybe less than 20% of the time looking at working with their
mindset and changing the way they think. And so, for example,
they might not okay. I need to listen.
I need to discover things from my partner's point of view, I get it.
And they say things like, you know,
I let my partner kind of express herself and I was listening the whole time.
I did an interrupt and I let her kind of spew out all the things that she was
angry about. But internally I was really, really impatient.
I was seeding inside, but even though I was sitting inside,
I was so impatient inside, outside, I really played out the tactics really,
right. Jeff.
And they think that just because they are playing out all the right things on
the outside while hiding all the seeding and impatience on the inside,
that they're doing a good job.
But the truth is that this is also extremely damaging.
There are three things here that people don't realize.
The first thing is that microtones and micro-expressions creates intangible
tension.
So no matter how well you think you're executing all the right tactics on the
outside,
you might be thinking that you're listening really well on the outside and
letting her talk and acknowledging her. So on, on the outside,
but inside you still impatient, you're seeding inside.
You're just this volcano waiting to blow up your misalignment here between your
external self and your internal self will show up in a microexpressions in your
face. And also the microtones. When you speak as well.
When you're asking questions, for example, and your partner can feel this,
and when your punter fuels this,
it will create a lot of tension within her as well. So just imagine,
for example, if you're talking to your boss right now,
you have to give your boss a very, very difficult news that you know,
she's not going to take very well.
And your boss is saying all the right things or the nice things on the outside,
but you can sense in that micro expression,
the low moments in a conversation that your boss is actually very,
very angry with you,
that she's just trying to hold back this anger the whole time.
Is that actually going to make you feel safer to talk to your boss the next
time, most likely not. And it's the same thing here.
The internal state that you have governs your microexpressions and your
microtones and those things actually matter a lot.
If not more than the actual words you're saying,
and the actual things you're doing. So if you do this,
she might logically understand what you're trying to do here.
The spirit of what you're trying to do logically, but emotionally,
she will struggle to feel it, to feel the safety,
to feel like you're generally wanting to ask her this questions to discover and
so on. And this is when you get all the confusing behaviors that you often get.
When she says one thing, for example, she says, thank you,
but she's really not drawing closer into you yet,
because while she believes it logically, she doesn't feel it emotionally yet.
Because again, of all those microexpressions and microtones, that suggest that,
Oh, maybe there's still a lot of the old you still in there somewhere.
And that eventually that anger is going to escape.
And the second thing is that it's impossible to sustain this in the longterm.
If you're staying calm externally,
but internally in a completely different state internally,
then there's no chance that you'll sustain that calmness sustain the same
actions of patients, of actually acknowledging of discovering for the longterm.
You might try it for a couple of days, a couple of weeks, a couple months,
but there's no way you're going to do it forever. Because again,
you're using your willpower here to get something done.
And whenever you're using your willpower to get something done,
you will never be able to do it for a very long time and understand that here,
your subconscious slip-ups will unravel your house of cards.
So the reason why this is the case is that confirmation bias is really not
your friend at this moment.
So understand that your partner now has a hypothesis that you are not to be
trusted,
that there is really no hope in the relationship that you're not capable of
change. That whatever changes you make is going to be fake and manipulative,
just to get her to come back to you.
And this confirmation bias will naturally get her and lead her questioning in
her mind to find out reasons to support this hypothesis.
And this is really not her fault or her problem.
This is just the way the human mind thinks.
And you do the exact same thing as well.
So this is important because you have to understand that when you're trying to
rebuild your relationship, it's really not about the hundred things you do,
correct,
but it's the one thing you do wrong that will counteract the hundred things that
you've done correctly.
And so if you are in a position where you haven't changed your internal self,
you're still using your willpower. You're making all the right external changes,
but internally you're not making the right changes yet.
Then you might do a hundred things, correct. But again,
is that one time you slip up,
it's going to unravel the house of cards and that one thing you do wrong will
make her go often a ha I knew it. I knew I cannot trust him.
I knew there was no hope. I knew that you're not capable to change. So again,
it's important that you make the changes to the internal instead of external.
So now let's go into, how do you actually avoid these two fatal mistakes here?
So understand, first of all, 80% of what it takes to write,
rebuild the relationships. It's actually not the understanding of tactics,
but the understanding of the mindsets and internalizing this mindsets to create
this deep change within you,
that can execute the right tactics properly for the long haul and for you to be
able to stay calm,
but stay calm in a more natural way without you using your willpower to try to
stay calm here. Now,
there are three things you need to focus on when you're trying to do this.
And this is the same three things that all my students use as well to get to a
point where they're in a really good position to reverse the feedback loop and
start rebuilding that relationship.
The first one is what we call in our program, killing the mind viruses.
So understand that if you look at physical viruses right now,
how it works is that you have one strain, one bacteria,
or one virus coming into your body. And then that one virus multiplies into two,
then four, then eight, then 16, before, you know,
it becomes a full blown sickness. Well,
what you need to understand is that the same mechanism plays in your head as
well with thoughts. So you start with one negative thought. For example,
that one negative thought becomes two, four, eight, 1632.
And eventually you find yourself in a position where you're completely
depressed. You're completely angry. You're not in a good state of mind anymore.
And what you need to understand here is that emotions don't just come.
Emotions are a result of how you reflectively interpret the events around
you. And we see this when, you know,
let's say you put a hundred people in the same room and expose them to the same
exact event.
All those hundred people will have completely different emotions and respond to
that one same event.
And the reason why they have all these different emotions and different
responses to the same event is because again,
of the way they interpret the events around them. And that's very subjective.
It differs from person to person.
And so when you change your reflexive interpretation here,
that's when you change your emotions. And when you do that,
you will find it easier to stay calm and play out the right processes because
you're poised and you're calm.
And this goes beyond just positive thinking or journaling or meditation.
Let me talk about this, understanding all the illusions and the faulty,
thinking all the faulty programming that you've learned from your childhood,
from your history and so on,
and learning how to reprogram your mind in a permanent way.
And to give you a taste of how this feels. For example,
me simply showing you how tethered you are and your relationship and all the bad
consequences that being tethered has on your relationship and your life and your
emotions. Just knowing this will change your interpretations.
You have about this whole situation.
And the smallest shift in interpretation will usually with most likely causes a
small shift in your attitude and your emotion towards the event as well.
So imagine this concept of realization, but multiply it by a hundred.
That's what it takes to kill all of the mind viruses that you have in your mind.
And that's what it takes to have this untouchable strength and untouchable poise
that is sourced internally.
That can keep you calm no matter what your partner is doing,
no matter what negative thing is happening in relationship.
So when you take care of these mind viruses here by reprogramming your beliefs
and reprogramming the way you think and interpret the events around you,
then you will find it easier to become untethered to your partner.
Because again, you can now source your emotions from within not external stuff.
So you define how you feel, not letting actionable stuff, define how you feel.
And you'll also find it easier to show your calmness internally as well.
You don't have to fake it.
You don't have to use your willpower to do it because you're effectively
changing the way your brain is programmed.
So you don't need to force yourself to be calm,
but calmness will just come a lot more naturally to you.
So the first thing here is fixing that mind viruses.
The second thing is mastering the key skills that you need.
So you can kill all the mind viruses that you want all day long.
None of that matters.
If you have very little confidence in your ability to accomplish something,
to do something, to lead a conversation, to lead an interaction, for example.
So you can, for example,
think positively all you want about have your skills in some sports,
your skills at your work, your skills on speaking on stage, whatever.
But if you've never spoken on stage,
if you really are not good at the skills to do your job properly,
or you can't shoot a free throw,
then no matter how much positive thinking you do,
you will always feel the lack of confidence.
And when we talk about this confidence in the skill,
what we're talking about is the level of mastery where you can honestly say no
matter what curve balls, challenges, difficulties that I'm facing,
nothing can scare me.
I know how to break through and improvise my way around any challenges.
And you might feel this at work right now,
where you feel like you come to work everyday.
You don't feel nervous to come to work, to get to whatever challenges you face.
You've mastered the skills in your work so well that you can execute it very
well. And when we talk about the relationship,
you need to have the same level of mastery in your skills,
so that no matter what your partner is saying, no matter what a curve ball is,
your partner's throwing at you, you knew exactly how to handle it with grace,
because you have confidence in that skill. And once you have this confidence,
not only will it show that you have it really internalized all of the skills and
all of the mindset shifts that you need to master,
but also imagine how easy it would be to stay on tethered to your partner or to
the outcome. Because you know that whatever is coming your way, you know,
you have the skills and the knowledge to be able to deal with it.
So you don't have to source your confidence from something outside of you like
your partner and the outcome around you,
but your strength and your confidence can now come from within to where,
whatever challenges you're faced, the more challenges you faced,
the more confident you actually become. Now,
the last thing you need to master to be able to avoid this two fatal mistakes is
shifting your mind from focusing on the outcome, back to the process.
What do I mean by this? You know,
people who source their strength to the outcome,
to the external circumstance and how things aren't going on the outside can
never remain confident for very long and are terrible.
When they're faced with a very difficult situation, we decided ironically,
when they need that confidence,
most their mind is constantly attached to the outcome.
So if the outcome is going well,
then they constantly look at that and they source their motivation.
They source their confidence with that. If the outcome is good,
that goes up as well, but I'm as bad.
They obsessed over the bad outcome and they cannot help it feel de-motivated
depressed and their confidence will die along with it as well.
So their mood and their motivation here. So these up and down dramatically,
depending on how the outcome is going and the outcome is going great,
their motivation goes up. If the outcome is bad,
their motivation goes down as well. And most people also,
they waste so much time focusing on that outcome and they do not have all their
energy basically dedicated to the process, getting to the outcome.
So this is when you're thinking about how bad the situation is for you,
how hopeless things are instead of actually seeking answers and focusing on the
processes to actually get you the outcome.
And so that's how most people operate. And when you operate like that,
what you find is that it's one it's really good,
difficult to stay committed to a process for a very long time. Because again,
your process will change hour by hour when something is going well,
your motivation goes up. You're like, okay, let me follow this process.
If the outcome is going badly, you say, ah,
I don't really need the process right now. I don't really need to do this.
I don't really want to do this right now.
And not only that your attention it's so focused on all the useless things like
focusing on the outcome and thinking about how bad things are right now,
that you're not following the process.
So it's really difficult in the longterm to build really solid momentum into
whatever it is you're doing or trying to accomplish in your life,
including rebuilding your relationship.
And if you're not focusing all your energy and your effort on the right things
on the process, then your growth will be a lot slower. And honestly,
when you're trying to rebuild a relationship,
you're trying to battle some confirmation bias.
You're trying to battle some very difficult forces that are going against your
odds, and you don't have time to be solely evolving or evolving in a slow way.
Now, people who source their strength and joy in mastering the process itself,
they can remain emotionally steady and confident through the ups and downs come
completely untethered to the ups and downs of the outcome here.
And this puts them in a very good position to take back interactions,
gain momentum, and gain better outcomes in the long term.
And they can also sustain motivation for very,
very long time through send downs because again,
their confidence and their motivation is not tethered to the outcome that goes
up and down. But it's tethered to that. Our ability to do the process,
they're just focused on the process every single day,
which allows for massive changes in a very quick way as well
difference in thinking here of one being attached to the outcome versus one
being attached to the process is why failures fail because of the
outcomes because of the circumstance, but people who are successful,
they can succeed despite their circumstance, despite their challenges,
key difference there. So the more you focus on a process,
the more untethered you become and the faster you find the right process,
because you're asking the right kinds of questions and the faster you
internalize the right processes as well,
because your efforts are more efficient.
Your energy is a hundred percent focused on what actually it matters,
and it can generate this massive momentum over time because not changing your
motivation and changing your path and changing your plan every few hours. Now,
of course,
there are so many more levels involved in saving your marriage and where I can
say in this one video.
So if you're looking for a deeper understanding of what it takes to save your
marriage,
then I want you to join me in my free masterclass on the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up. And this masterclass,
I will show you the exact same process that I show all my students that has
taken them from a brick of divorces often, and a hopeless situation,
the relationship to a place where the relationship can begin to thrive again.
So if this masterclass sounds interesting to you,
then I want you to click the link above my head are also done in the comments or
in the description box below this video.
And if you're looking for a free guide that can allow you to lead conversations
better,
that never leads to an argument can allow you to rebuild a relationship for the
long haul.
Then you also want to download my free guide above my head are also done in the
comments below in the description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a community of people where you can post your
questions, get support, share your wins, share your challenges.
Then you also want to join me in my free Facebook group.
And the way you can join that group is by clicking the link down below this
video. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below with what'd you find most insightful about this video
and let me know, because I'd love to hear from you in the comments below.
And if you found this video helpful,
then I want you to like it and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one in the meantime,
I will leave you with these two other videos that can allow you to understand
the key mistakes that people often make when they're trying to save the
relationship. And when you can do as well to put yourself in the right path.
So with that said, I will see you in the next video.