You know how you’ll sometimes meet someone and it just clicks?
The stranger you shared an uber with or that person in the bathroom at a party.
You may start following each other on instagram, and even though you never spoke to them or
saw them ever again, you still get offended when they unfollow you 4 years later, like
your 7 minute interaction a lifetime ago didn’t matter to them.
Ouch.
That can’t just be me, right?
Just kidding.
Or not.
Seriously though.
How come some people just make us feel so damn good, while others are difficult to be
around?
Why is it that some people seem to be universally liked, such as Amy Schumer?
While others seem universally disliked, like Keanu Reeves?
Sometimes the answer is obvious.
Like, we can pinpoint what it is about someone that we are drawn to and why we like having
them around.
They may be funny, inspiring, smart, kind.
They may have a way of making us feel safe, validated, confident, hopeful, calm.
So naturally, we’ll like them.
Others may make us feel awkward, annoyed, stiff.
The conversation feels forced.
Sometimes it’s their actions or words directly making us feel that way, but it may also be
the case that we can’t quite pinpoint what it is.
Is it you?
Is it them?
Hard to tell.
Something is just off.
Now, being likable or unlikable is not necessarily an indication on whether or not someone is
a good person or not.
Some terrible people throughout history have been highly likable (and perhaps you can even
think of someone in your own life) and then there are people with the biggest hearts who
have a hard time winning people over.
Perhaps some people just get lucky or unlucky, or maybe us humans don’t always have the
best judgment.
Maybe it’s simply the case that what and who we like is highly subjective, and there
will always be disagreements on different people’s likability.
I’m no scientist or psychologist, but I love pondering these questions.
What is it that makes us like someone, and how can we make others like us?
And does it even matter?
Should we even care or bother?
Don’t try too hard.
Be natural.
Smile.
Don’t interrupt people.
Ask genuine questions.
Validate their feelings.
Be welcoming.
Be curious.
Listen.
Make eye contact.
Cooperate.
Contribute.
Don’t say “that’s so funny” because if it were you’d be laughing, not saying
it.
Show genuine interest.
Relax.
Put your phone down.
Be present.
Be easy to be around.
Have a sense of humor.
Don’t get easily offended (seriously though, nobody likes walking on eggshells around anyone).
Most of us know this stuff and it’s all valid, much of it backed by research.
But I’ve also noticed some other things that I don’t see being talked about as much
that resonate with me personally.
A lot could be said about this topic, so if you’d like a part two, let me know:
ONE) One thing I’ve learned about myself through the years is that, the more I like
myself, the less worried I am about others liking me.
And I don’t mean that in an arrogant, I-don’t-give-a-shit-way.
What I mean is that, the more I approve of myself, the less I seek the approval of others.
And the less I seek the approval of others, the more relaxed I am, and the more I’m
able to enjoy myself.
When I like myself, I know that I’m deserving of love, respect and of good treatment.
And when I like myself, I trust that the right people will find me, and I will find them.
TWO) Attempting to be liked by everyone is a losing game.
Let’s take this video for example, and let’s assume it will get 100 000 views.
Of course I want as many people as possible to be able to resonate with it and enjoy themselves
while watching, but I know with 100% certainty that neither I nor what I have to say will
be everyone’s cup of tea, just like how not everything I watch works for me.
It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with them or with me, it just means
that we don’t click for lack of a better word.
And that’s ok.
Let’s take another example.
Stoner by John Williams is my favorite book, absolutely five stars.
Yet, some people have given it a one star rating.
So, which is it?
Is it worth 5 stars, or is it worth 1 star?
BOTH AND EVERYTHING IN-BETWEEN.
The same applies with people.
Some people will adore you, others may not be able to stand you.
That’s just the way the cookie crumbles.
THREE) It’s ok to recognize an obviously unlikable trait about yourself and to be open
to changing.
After you’re done watching this video and giving it a like (wink) I encourage you to
ask someone close to you who you trust, to pinpoint one of your most unlikable traits.
Or, maybe, you already know what it is.
One trait that I noticed with myself was that I had the tendency to complain about trivial
things.
I don’t know if it was to fill silences or an attempt to talk, but I’d say things
like “traffic was so bad today”, “my legs are so tired after my run” or “it’s
so hot I feel so uncomfortable”.
Yet, I had the audacity to say I, myself, dislike complainers.
Meanwhile, I was doing it myself all along.
Yes, venting can be healthy, and pinpointing a minor inconvenience probably isn’t going
to get you instantly disliked.
But chronically complaining about minor inconveniences or annoyances in your life isn’t something
anyone cares about or wants to hear.
I like myself better when I don’t do that, and I like others better when they don’t
do it, too.
If you want to, I’d love for you to write in the comments one unlikable trait about
yourself.
FOUR: Never sacrifice yourself to be liked by others.
Since I’ve been quite young, I’ve given out free therapy to people, and I’ve enjoyed
it.
I’ve loved listening to people vent about their problems and asking me for advice.
I’ve loved following up and seeing how things are going.
But I quite vividly remember a turning point for me.
I was at a friend's birthday party years ago, and I somehow ended up cornered by a girl
I had met a few times, but we weren’t exactly friends, and we started chatting about her
on and off relationship, and the conversation ended up going on for hours.
At first, I was happy to listen, but after a while, I quite obviously had stopped listening,
yet she kept going on.
And that’s the only thing I remember from my friend's birthday party.
I think, looking back, a lot of people have liked me for that reason: I’ve been a good
listener, someone who gives advice and who friends can call and talk to for hours about
their problems.
Also, looking back, I wonder if those people actually liked me, or if they liked what I
could do for them.
But that’s a topic for another time.
It took me so long to stop being everyone’s free therapist.
I won’t.
If I ever catch someone taking up hours of my time only to use me as an emotional dumpster,
I’ll be like, look, here’s a great therapist, call her, I’m not doing this.
And if that means some people will like me less, then so be it.
I need to like myself first, and I don’t like myself very much when I’m feeling drained
and used.
My point here is that being liked for a specific trait or characteristic can be tiring sometimes.
Like, if, for example, you’re known and liked for being so happy and cheerful all
the time, you might feel pressured to be that way even when you don’t feel like it, because
people will be expecting that from you.
Don’t sacrifice yourself to be liked.
The right people will like you even when you’re too tired to listen or too stressed to be
cheerful.
Trust that.