-I woke up this morning and I said to myself, "I am screwed.
I'm gonna be on this show."
And I turn on the computer,
and there is a sinkhole at the White House.
-Yeah.
-And I said, "Damn, I don't have a sinkhole joke.
-Oh, no. [ Laughter ]
-Oh, that's what happens when you drain the swamp.
-There you go.
-But that's a joke everybody would be doing.
-Do you think if you were still doing your show,
you would make jokes about Donald Trump every second?
-I tell ya, after watching the opening of your show,
there would be no point in me doing it.
Because you seem to have it covered, my friend.
-That's -- Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
-And I don't do --
All I do is Jimmy Stewart.
[ Imitating Jimmy Stewart] "Harvey."
-That's really good.
-[ Normal voice ] But it is Mike Pence,
and this is what troubles me about Mike Pence.
He's the Vice President. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-He is from Indiana. -Yeah.
-And I've been thinking about --
He looks like the guy at a funeral home
that would try to sell you the most expensive casket.
[ Laughter ]
That's what he is. Isn't he? -Yeah. Yeah, very earnestly.
-Oh, yeah. No.
-You want your loved ones -- -Exactly, to spend eternity...
[ Laughter ]
How's your father-in-law?
You married a woman whose father teaches goats to surf.
-Yes.
-How many surfing goats you got?
-Here is a picture of my father-in-law.
I'm glad you brought it up because when I first --
the first time as a guest on your show,
I told a story about at the time,
the father of a woman I was dating and his pet goat Raisin.
And Raisin did surf at one point.
And we talked about it every time I came on your show.
-Right. Now, wait a minute.
Is this your wife's father?
-That's my wife's father.
-Oh, because you said the girl you were dating.
I thought, "Oh, crap, I've stepped in it again."
[ Laughter ]
-Well, I'm glad you said it because I -- you know,
when I first started dating her,
I went on your show, told this goat story.
And the next time I came on your show, I remember them saying,
"If you have more stories about the goat,
Dave would love to hear it."
And that's when I realized,
"I'm gonna have to stick with this girl because I'm --
I can't run out of goat stories. Yeah."
-But now, I was hoping coming here tonight, I had many hopes.
[ Laughter ]
But chief among them was the --
I wanted to see the goat actually up riding a wave.
-Well, I have some news about the goat.
-Oh, no.
-The goat passed away. [ Audience awws ]
Here's an obituary.
-Really? -Yeah.
But I think you'll be very -- -"Goat that led two lives."
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-Words that have never been printed
in the history of language.
-But I think you'll appreciate this
because the goat obviously meant so much to you.
This is -- you know, this is in an actual obituary.
"Raisin was a local and national celebrity
admired both by his owner and the island community,
and a much wider audience after he was featured on
'The Late Show with David Letterman.'"
[ Laughter ]
So that -- you know, that's something for you.
You made a goat's obituary.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
But... [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah!
But to be sure, you actually saw the goat surf?
Now, don't lie to me.
I want to know if the goat actually surfed.
-The goat stood on a surfboard.
But I'm pretty sure the surfboard
was more on the ground than the wave.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Hey, this goat passed away everyone.
[ Laughter ]
-That's right. -Don't speak ill of the dead.
-Talking about a dead goat, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Laughter ]
I got something for you, buddy.
-What do you got?
-Anybody here ever had Lyme disease?
It's a -- I'm doing this to promote
epidemiological health and awareness,
because the Lyme disease, the ticks are everywhere.
I've had Lyme disease.
-You have? -Oh, yeah.
Probably got it now. [ Laughter ]
-You look like a guy who would have it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I've had Ehrlichiosis.
And the third one would be babesiosis,
and that's the hat trick.
[ Laughter ]
So, I pulled this off my lower back Monday morning.
And he's been in this bag since.
-Oh, this is --
-These are tenacious little bastards.
-So you brought a tick? [ Laughs ]
-There.
-That is a -- That's a live tick.
Because now, how long was it on you, would you say?
-At least overnight. -Yeah.
So are you gonna have --
-But see, look, he's still alive.
He was sealed in a Ziploc bag.
And by the way,
don't you think I get a little money from the Ziploc people?
[ Laughter and applause ] Come on.
Just a little --
-Are you gonna have this tested?
Because now they can test it, right?
And find out if it -- [ Audience groans ]
-[ Laughs ]
-What a bunch of babies.
[ Laughter ]
No, I'm not gonna have him tested.
He's yours. -Oh, wow.
You know -- -You have him tested.
You're the man with the show.
[ Laughter ]
-I could use my budget. -Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
-Well, I have to be honest.
Of all the gifts anyone's ever brought,
and I thought, you know, what I really thought,
I owed you for the legacy of this show
and the fact that if you hadn't started,
I wouldn't be here, but really --
-You know, I keep forgetting about that
because your show is nothing like my show.
My show was lumpy and viscous. -Beautifully so.
-And your show is crisp and smart and contemporary.
And it's just lovely, so --
[ Cheers and applause ]
-He agrees.
-You're the fifth host of this show.
-Fourth. -Fifth.
"Tomorrow Show" -- Tom Snyder. -Oh, right. Yep.
-Then myself, then Conan, then Jimmy Fallon, and now you.
-Yeah. And you think tomorrow --
you think a better show title would have been
"The Tomorrow Show"? -Absolutely.
Because Pat Weaver, a gentleman who is Sigourney Weaver's father
worked at NBC in, I think, promotion,
and had this strategy of
"Today," "Tonight" and "Tomorrow."
And I begged you when you took over this show --
-You did. -Change it!
But anyway, why not "The Tomorrow Show"?
-Yeah, it's -- you know, I -- I thought about it.
But you what it was?
It meant a lot to me to be another host of "Late Night."
-Oh, God bless you.
Isn't he the nicest man in the world?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I really appreciate you being here.
I really appreciated this.
We're gonna keep it.
I'm gonna give to it the next host of this franchise,
whenever that happens. -Great success.
-David Letterman, everybody!