Save your marriage while separated do this! Separation can be a really
sensitive time but it could also be the perfect opportunity to get it right.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm going to share with you three mistakes that could tank the whole thing.
Along with what you could do instead to get a much better outcome. Here's the first mistake that I've
seen so many people get into when they're in a separation situation and they want to repair that.
They want to get back together. Desperation and clinginess. Look in a relationship,
few things are less attractive than desperation and clinginess. It's kind of like when I used
to work with children who have separation anxiety, and I've described this to so many
parents as. Here's the child and here's the parent, and the child is like oh, I need you,
I need you and the parent is like, I could use a little space here, I want to be able to breathe.
Ah... okay.
Clinginess, desperation, parent is feeling suffocated.
Ah... You see the pattern, okay. The desperation and the clinginess is smothering the other person.
Now, you can see this in a case of a child that's having a hard time separating from a parent. I
don't know that's kind of a goofy demonstration of it. But maybe that'll stick with you. what
if you're over here going oh... I need you, and you're glomming on there in a way that
is suffocating the other person. Let's just back off. So, what would work better instead? How about
confidence and calm? Try it on. That makes you much more attractive in a relationship. If you
can be confident and calm. Going back to our silly example. What if instead of this desperate needy
clinginess? You're simply good, you're right here. It's like hey, you know and now, we can
have a bit of a relationship that's not driven by that desperation and clinginess. Confidence
and calm. Here's another one that I have seen blow up a lot of separations.
Demands and ultimatums. Unfortunately, this is pretty common when there's a separation,
and the demand and the ultimatum sometimes comes in the form of. Look, this needs to happen or
else, or the only way that this is ever going to work is if you and then, put in the demand the
ultimatum whatever it is. Why does this not work? Why does this blow up the relationship? Look, put
yourself in the position of receiving the demand or the ultimatum. How does that make you feel?
Does that increase your confidence in calm or does that maybe of the desperation and the clinginess?
Is there a little bit of a repellent effect? Think about it. As a repellent, you know,
when you go out in the woods and you want to have the mosquitoes stay away from you, and you
spray the repellent everywhere. The repellent has the purpose of driving off the mosquitoes,
and when you get into demands and ultimatums. It's like you're spraying repellent out there. It's not
going to help, I promise. Look, I've told so many people who chose to separate from their spouse.
That it is a courageous move, that they just made. Usually, when things get to that point,
it's something that they've been anticipating or expecting or planning for months, years sometimes,
and then, they finally make that courageous move. If you can look at this instead of
as an ultimatum. But as a courageous move that creates an opportunity, now for us
to do the right things and incidentally, it's about what's right not who's right.
That's part of where the demands and the ultimatums come from because we know that we're
right and so, we dig in our heels and we insist or demand that that other person do something
in order to fix this. Does that sound familiar at all? So, let's track it, enough of the demands and
ultimatums. I'm gonna share some things that you can do instead but I gotta share this with
you because I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't give you the nine principles that are
guaranteed to save and enrich your relationship. I've put a URL on the screen right here,
drpauljenkins.com/nineprinciples. There are nine of them. When couples come to me for coaching, one
of their first assignments is to memorize these nine principles and even if you're separated.
Maybe, especially then, it's important to get focused on what's going to work instead of what
doesn't. We're going over some of the mistakes here. But I'm giving you this bonus of nine
principles, they're guaranteed to work. Go grab it. Will you? drpauljenkins.com/nineprinciples.
So, what are we going to do instead of the demanding in the ultimatums?
How about humility and the willingness to change? When we get into a conflicted
relationship situation, it's really common for us to think that person needs to change,
and you know what, I'm even going to give this to you. I am going to grant you this one,
okay. Because you might be thinking yeah, but this relationship would just be so much better
if that person would just, and then, you might even list some of those nine principles that I
just gave you. If they'd be more forgiving, more respectful, more loving. Those are all three on
the list of nine and you're right. You're right! Things would be better if they would shape up.
But that's not useful because that sounds like a demand or an ultimatum,
and that's why it doesn't work. Those nine principles that I shared with you,
have to be applied here at home with you. They are for personal use only.
That's the only safe way that I know how to use these power tools. Therefore, personal use only.
What if we give up the demands in the ultimatums? In exchange for humility and the willingness
to change according to those nine principles. I guarantee that's going to get you some traction. I
got one more for you because this one probably is so obvious that we forget to mention it sometimes.
The mistake a lot of people make during separation is blame and hate. Now, I say hate because people
hate the word hate. But really if it's not loving, what is it? Because that's the opposite of love,
right? And the blame, let's go there for just a minute. This is a victim mentality.
There's different ways of looking at the world and in my book Pathological Positivity. I make
a distinction between a victim paradigm and an agent paradigm. I'm not talking about a victim
of crime or a victim of abuse. I'm talking about a victim way of seeing the world,
and part of that paradigm is blame. It's not me, and then, you find that person or thing or
situation that you think is responsible for your misery. Blame, blame, blame, and in a separation,
it's easy to know who to blame, isn't it? Now, some people go the opposite direction,
they end up blaming themselves. Look, blaming anyone including yourself is a form of that victim
paradigm. I think we need to get over to the agent side, okay. On the agent side of that paradigm,
without blaming we take responsibility. Now, in my book, I also break that down into two words.
Response-ability, it's your ability to respond to what's happening. It's that's the agent approach.
I've experienced this far too many times more than I'd like to admit. Maybe, you've done it too. You
know, when you're driving and you get lost in your thoughts. So, I'm driving, I'm going to see
a client that lives in Southern Utah. I don't know how much you know about the geography of
Utah. But there's a little town called St George, I'm heading down there's about four hours from my
home. And so, it's a long drive, I'm listening to a Podcast and just trying to stay engaged
and occupy my mind while I'm driving down to make this client visit. Well, I knew, I had missed my
exit. Have you ever done this? You know, you just, you get lost in your thoughts. You go right past
your exit, and I knew that I had done this when I see the big colorful sign Arizona welcomes you.
Arizona, this isn't even the right state. Nothing against Arizona, love that place. Grand Canyon
one of my favorite places on Earth. But that's not where I'm going, and how often does that
happen in life where you're looking around and you're thinking, this is not what I had in mind,
and then, I looked down and guess whose hands I see on my steering wheel?
That bites a little, doesn't it? When you realize look, I'm here because I drove here. But the bad
news is also the good news. Because if my hands are on the wheel, what can I do now,
right? I can steer this thing. I can take it where I want to go next,
and victims can't do that. See, they're so busy blaming,
that they don't have their hands on the wheel. I spent 13 years of my career
doing child custody evaluations for the court. This is yuck work, bitter, angry,
divorcing people. Can't figure out how to share their kids. Which is, by the way, a great reason
to see if you can do the right things and get this worked out during the separation.
You probably don't want to go to the extreme here, and I've seen it. I've seen it so many times in
my professional career, and who do you think these bitter, angry, divorced people are blaming
for all of their misery and the problems that they're experiencing?
Each other, yeah, and sometimes, I got in the middle of that. That was kind of messy.
How soon is the X gonna make everything okay? Do you see the trap? But when we blame, we're
also waiting for or expecting that other source of our misery to make everything okay for us too.
It's a trap. So, how do we replace the blame and the hate?
With responsibility and love. Let me just talk about love briefly. Because I don't think love
is a feeling, I think it is a choice. I think it's a declaration. I think it's a way that you get to
show up regardless of how other people are acting or treating you. I'm reading a book right now by
Steve Young. He's a former NFL quarterback and just this amazing athlete but also a brilliant
mind, and his book is The Law Of Love. I'm learning so much from his approach to this.
Because he agrees with me, it's not a feeling. It's a set of principles. It's a law. He calls it
the law of love, kind of like the law of gravity. When you treat people with hate certain things
happen. There are predictable consequences for that. When you treat people with love regardless
of how they've treated you. There are predictable consequences for that. It's just like the law of
gravity. You jump from the top of a cliff, what's going to happen? Sometimes or every time? For
sure or maybe? Do you see how this works? Now, what if you're standing at the top of the cliff
and you're thinking gravity? Yeah, whatever, I don't believe in that crap, and then, you jump.
Same splat as the believers, right! Gravity doesn't check in with you first. See, if it's okay
to pull down on you. It's on, you can count on it and love is the same way. When you choose love.
The predictable outcomes will follow, and that's the level we're talking about here. It's not about
a feeling. I think it creates feelings for you. I think it leads to and generates and facilitates
feelings. But it's a choice, it's a choice about how you are going to show up here. If you
haven't grabbed it yet. Please go get those nine principles, guaranteed to save and enrich your key
relationships. Especially in marriage. Especially during a separation. You're going to want this,
drpauljenkins.com/nineprinciples. It's free. It's from me. It's a gift to you. You're welcome.