How do you get your partner to put in more effort? What do you do if a guy's hiding you
from his family and if you're multi dating and you're not into the guy, when do you call
it quits? Welcome to Ask Mark week number 63 and we are live from Hong Kong, loving
it here. A couple of clients here. It's great to be here. Hey, make sure you join the Facebook
group. Let's get straight into the questions. First one is a fantastic question from the
Facebook group which you should join. It's from Shayla and Shayla says, how do you get
a guy to put in more effort? It's not that he's a bad guy, he seemingly innocently just
doesn't take initiative. I've shown him how to love me but he gets lazy and I feel like
I put in way more effort. Okay. This is a fantastic question and I get permutations
of this question from clients, discovery calls, you commenting on the YouTube a lot.
Shayla, you've left out a lot of details here. You haven't said if this is your partner or
if this is a date, you haven't said if you live together, you haven't said how long you've
been together, what progression there is. Um, you haven't said exactly what the efforts
you've been putting into him are. There's a lot of if, buts or maybes, a lot of permutations
to this question. So I'm gonna answer it in sort of the standard format, which is you
and your partner have been together for a little while. You're living together and he's
not putting much effort in. Here's the reality. If a man stopped putting in effort in this
sort of situation, it's because he's too comfortable and not attracted enough.
Now I'm telling you this because I love you and I want you to know the truth as well as
how to fix it. So here's what I'd do. Assuming this is the situation, the first thing I'd
do is have a chat to him asking the simple question, do you feel like we've stagnated?
Do you feel like we're in a rut? Do you feel like we're kind of in a bit of a holding pattern?
Get his gauge on it cause it could be something completely different. It could be something
that's bothering him. There could be a lot on his mind. If there's other stuff going
on, you want to know about it. But I think in most cases this is what's going to be happening.
He's going to answer yes to that question. Now Shayla you spoke here, you're saying I
put in effort, you know, I've shown him how to love me.
I'd want, you know, if we were calling I would double check that you were putting in effort
and I'd also double check things like are you doing it in his love language? Because
you can might be doing acts of service for him all day long, but he doesn't care about
that. He just wants to hear words and be touched and he doesn't feel like you're putting in
effort. So I checked that box as well. When you're having that conversation, just check
in and sort of see, Oh you know, is there anything, is there anything more you'd want
from me? Because it's important that you check your own yard before you go start trying to
change his and fix up his. After that conversation, assuming what comes out is that things have
stagnated. He's just too comfortable and not feeling that attracted. This is what you do
next.
You got to say to him, Hey, I'm going to be doing a few things for me. If you want to
join me in them, that's great. If not, that's cool too. Here's the things that you going
to be thinking about, physical health, some aspect of that. You're going to get right
back on the horse with your physical health and your fitness, whatever that means to you.
Mental health, you're going to be practicing things like gratitude. You're going to be
practicing things like responsibility. Most importantly, you're going to be listening
to podcasts. You're going to be reading books. You're going to be doing things that grow
you and make you a more attractive human. Social health, you're going to head out with
your friends. You're going to have a few big nights out, or maybe it's just a few a weekend,
day, weekend away, whatever it is. Time with the girls at the spa, you're going to make
sure that you're out of the house doing things that don't involve him.
And number four, most importantly, you're going to be doing things that make you happy
for you. Outside interests, passions, hobbies, whatever you've let go of, whatever you've
let stagnate, you're going to get those back. Now it's important when you have this conversation,
you're saying, Hey, I'm doing this for me. You're inviting him into that team effort
with you. If things have stagnated, he might want to get on the physical horse with you.
He might want to get on the intellectual horse with you and read some books with you or whatever
he might even want to join you in some of your outside hobbies, passions, or interests.
You guys might want to take up dancing together or something. You offer him a position to
join you. You ask him if he wants to join you, but you're not doing it to save the relationship.
You're not saying, Hey baby, ah, this is really stagnating. We need to do things to make us
work cause that makes it sound like a chore. Instead, you're saying, I'm going to do this
for me to get myself out of this rut to make sure I'm taking max action in my life. Would
you like to join?
It's optional for him. He can either stay there and do his own thing, be kind of left
behind or he can join you and you guys can do it as a team. Now, hopefully you do it
as a team. If he does stay behind, here's what's going to happen. You're going to do
these things and you're going to become a more attractive human very, very quickly within
30, 60, 90 days, you're going to be back to the person he was when he first met you. You
were rather when he first met you and he's going to be wanting to put that effort in
again.
If at that stage you've done all these things, you're loving where your life is, he's attracted
to you again, he's uncomfortable again because you're back to the high value woman, all that
top human that you were. If he's still not motivated to put in effort at that stage,
then there's something pretty wrong. I would chat to him about where the relationship is
going and if he's still not motivated then to put in effort, find a man who is. Fantastic
question. It's really Shayla about you getting on your horse, but just checking in at the
beginning to make sure, A, there's nothing else going on with him, and B, if he wants
to join you in that journey. The truth is he needs to be less comfortable and more attracted
to you and that's what you're going to do with all this personal development. Love that
question.
Second question is from Shark Bite, who's says, great video again, Mark, I watch your
videos very often. Thank you Shark Bite, that is lovely. I'm wondering if you're multi dating
and not attracted to a guy whom you've already met a couple of times, should you continue
to see him because he is a nice guy, hoping there'll be a connection eventually? A Shark
Bite, the general answer to this is no. If you've been on more than two dates and nothing's
happening, then it's a no. If you get on that second date and things are trending upwards,
you're finding yourself a bit more attracted, then yeah, go on a third. Whatever direction
it's trending is what you want to take most seriously. I always say give it two and if
it's not trending upwards.
Third question, Sydnee. Interesting one, this one. What would you say about a guy who constantly
pulls away every time he goes and sees his family? Uh, he never includes me in anything
with them and somehow we always magically fight before he goes and sees them and he
totally ignores me while he's with them or just doesn't feel the need to talk to me.
We don't have titles, but we are dating and we are exes, so that makes it very complex.
Ah side note, his parents hate me because I have tattoos, so they think I'm a bad person.
Okay. Sydnee, the question that was most left out here or the piece of information rather
than I feel like I needed, was is he including you in the rest of his life? Particularly
his friends, but other areas as well because depending on your inclusion in the rest of
his life, you paint two very different pictures here.
Assuming you're a big part of the rest of his life, you're around his friends, you're
involved in, you know his work network, you're, you're basically his girlfriend outside of
family. If that's the case, then this is a boundary with families issue and it's a him
problem to fix. So you want to have an open really honest, vulnerable conversation with
him and basically say, Hey look, are we going to work towards, you know, is this something
we're going to work towards in the long term? And particularly with the fighting with him
starting fights, you're going to have to be really vulnerable to bring that up because
I think it's going to elicit a lot of harshness in him. If you say, Hey, you start fights
every time you go away to see your family, he would just deny, deny, deny, get his shackles
up. So Sydnee, what I would do is be really vulnerable about it. Tell him how it makes
you feel. Like show your emotions, cry, like show the way that you feel at the fact that
you guys often fight so much, particularly at that time.
Hopefully, once that comes out, he will talk about that, he'll talk about his fears relating
to family and you guys can have a chat about, okay, how you know, how are we going to slowly
progress this because this is a him problem to solve. If it's just a family thing, then
it's about him putting boundaries in with his family and eventually, you need to be
a part of that so you guys need to come together and figure out kind of a slow, even if it
is a slow plan on how you're going to do that. If he refuses, puts his head in the sand,
then you've seriously got to think, okay, there's no signs of progression here. Do I
want to stay in this relationship? On the other hand, if you are not involved in the
rest of his life, if you're at a distance for most of it, then you have yourself a conundrum.
Now if it's the first month or so, you guys are back together, you guys are as he could
be treading very carefully here. In which case look for small progressions. Don't worry
about family right now. Just look easy. Starting to include you back in his friends circles.
Is he starting to invite you out to his events? You know, is he in public with you as, as
an obvious girlfriend-boyfriend? Look for progression in these areas. That's assuming
you guys haven't been back together very long. If you have been back together a while and
he's not including you in his friends, his networks, his social circles, his family at
all, then it sounds like you're very much being held on the outer and enough time has
passed where that shouldn't be happening. So I would be having a good chat to him about,
Hey, do you see this progressing or not?
And depending on his answer, if you're not seeing progression in the next month ultimatum,
that's, at this point, that's the only way. Because if he's keeping you at that much of
a distance, then you have to have the self respect to walk away. Well, that's the video.
Thank you for joining me today. Hey, don't forget, check out the Facebook group. Absolutely
free. Link in the description and the Academy. My personal development Empowerment Academy
for women, which I'm so excited about is now available. Link in the description below to
check it out. Thank you again for watching. Don't forget to leave your thoughts, comments,
questions. I want to hear your question for us, Mark, for next week and below, give the
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really looking forward to seeing you in next week's video.
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