Over the last five years, British pet ownership has reduced
dramatically, a direct result of the surging popularity of YouTubers.
In this series, I, Liam Williams,
a man who would rather live alone and sad forever than suffer
the indignity of having to use dating apps, will be meeting them.
Come on! Whoo!
Each week, I'll be taking a different challenge, as I try
to become more like them and, hopefully, win a £10,000 prize.
Focus!
AIR HORN BLOWS
I was back at Beam HQ to receive my penultimate challenge
from James Wirm
but there was something different about him this week.
This week is all about "teg."
I didn't understand what you said, teg? Take? Hello?
Te... Te... Te...
Turn it off and on again?
Well, I didn't know...
I didn't... It said my challenge is "teg."
"Tech."
Technology.
This week is all about teg.
Your challenge is...
This week is all about...
Is it all right?
ROBOT GROANS
Your challenge is to become a brand ambassador for a tech start-up.
Promote some kind of app, or something.
Become a brand ambassador.
All right, it's too late now, mate!
I am lonely.
FADING:
HE STARTS DRUMMING
My technological adventure began
with a gaming session with CharlieSouth.
Come on through. Sorry, were you out there long?
Sorry, I'm just... I'm playing a game.
'Last week, I'd discovered a huge secret.'
M wants to B-U...
'Charlie's girlfriend, Millipede, wants to break up with him
'but can't because James Wirm has complete legal control
'of their lives.
'I wanted asked Charlie for his take but I didn't know how much he knew.
'So I had to be subtle.'
So, any, um...
..weird secrets or anything you want to tell me about?
No.
'I'd have to be patient.'
Yeah, I used to play games myself when I was a little kid.
But, as an adult, I just find them quite inane distractions
from the more important issues of the world.
Yeah.
Maybe you need to go through the blue door. Through that...
I'll show you.
Through the little mousehole, look. You see?
Oh, yeah.
Er, sorry, what was I saying?
About how computer games are bad.
Oh, yeah, they are.
ROBOTIC VOICE:
You know how you asked if I had any secrets?
There's this one thing that's been worrying me.
Yeah, it's about me and Milli.
I mean, I didn't want to say anything but it's, like...
How do I get over this wall?
Ah, the jet pack.
I knew that would come in useful. Sorry, what were you saying?
Doesn't matter.
Yeah, let me just get to the docks...
Die, you rat!
You've got to go and meet Nozomi.
Yeah, she's going to show you about lifestyle apps.
She's at Beam HQ, yeah.
Not the Smell Of The South. I don't know why I'm going up there.
Hiya. Hiya. Hiya.
Nozomi Hottah, a megastar tech blogger from Tokyo,
had just signed to Beam.
I'm Nozomi. Live with the gadgets.
SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE
Konnichiwa!
'I'd wanted to meet her since first I saw her.'
Where the hell have you been?
"Charlie was making me, Charlie was making me."
Hiya!
This is Nozomi.
Nice to meet you.
You're not Nozomi.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous and tired.
I'm nice to see you.
Nozomi is a genius.
I know, I'm a huge fan. I'm a huge fan...
Thank you for having me.
Thanks for doing this as well. It's great. We're doing the show for...
Do you know the BBC?
Yes, she knows the BBC.
Massive in Japan.
What's the plan, then? What are you showing this boy?
Yeah, I'm going to show you some cool new apps.
Have you got one that can help me speak properly?
Yeah.
I bet you've got an app for everything.
Rush him through it and back here.
Nice carpet!
Terrible chat.
'I'm such a Luddite, I can't even bring myself to use text speak.
'So I was very happy to receive a special technology lesson
'on Nozomi's channel.'
Hiya!
OK.
I hate talking to those. It's like talking to a robot.
So, Brynn has emotions, like being happy, or hungry, or even sad.
Really?
It's like you are talking to a human.
Hello, Brynn.
ROBOTICALLY: What is the weather in London, Brynn?
'Oh, I don't know. Look out the window.'
Wow.
Amazingly human.
So, I've got it on.
'You are awake. You are awake.'
Ah. That's amazing.
Now for a romantic app.
This one is called the Soulmatr.
You have to give them a lot of data,
but it gives you the most perfect match in the whole world.
Three words to describe coffee. Hot.
Favourite height. 100 metres.
The Ouse!
Lamb. Cream.
Stimulating.
Are you scared of crabs? No.
My soul mate is...
..Nozomi Hottah?
That's...
ROMANTIC SONG SUNG IN JAPANESE
'The next morning, I was in the best mood of all time.
'Sadly, Milli was not.'
How are you feeling today?
'It was my first chance to catch up with Milli
'since last week's revelation. Once again, I had to be subtle.'
So what's getting you down?
Some kind of...
big secret, or...?
I, um...I did this promo thing.
We give it away as a prize and now I've found out
that it exploded and burnt a dog's tail off.
DOG WHINES
Oh, that's sad.
Yeah, it sucks.
Look, I know about you and Charlie
and James Wirm not letting you break up.
'Milli told me about the contract she'd signed three years earlier,
'before she was famous, giving James Wirm complete control
'of her life for ten years.'
Why did you not read the small print?
I didn't know there was any small print.
I thought it was a shadow.
When she decided she wanted to end things with Charlie,
Wirm told her that to do so would be breach of contract.
If I breached the contract, I have to pay James £10 million.
£10 million?!
Yeah, I know it's not much, but it's the principle, isn't it?
To be honest, I've realised, I actually never ask you
about your love life. So...
No, no-one ever does.
OK.
What's your love life like?
Oh, wow! Who is it?
You might know her. Nozomi Hottah.
Are you kidding? Of course I know Zomi!
Wow!
A day. One day, but it's been the best day of my life.
Aw, I'm so happy for you!
I'm going back to Japan.
What?
Why?
Since Brexit, I just don't feel happy here.
I obviously know what you mean, but...
I've got two plane tickets doing a promo for the airline.
Come with me.
Come with you?
Are you serious?
So I just go... I just move to Japan?
And what about my challenges?
I need the ten grand, I haven't got any money, I haven't got anything.
If you come to Tokyo, you can live with me and write every day.
I just start a new life?
It's up to you.
I'm flying to Tokyo at 5am.
I'm going to live with Nozomi.
Oh, right. Big news. Yeah, good to see you.
I'll miss you, man, it's been really good getting to know you.
All right?
Now?
Only if you've got time.
Cos I've got to be at Nozomi's in an hour.
One game.
SNORING
ROBOTIC VOICE:
'You are awake. You are awake.'
What time is it?
Five to five? The flight's at five.
Why didn't you wake me up?!
You tossers!
Nozomi, baby, please, I wasn't playing Xbox,
I fell asleep cos I've been tired from all my challenges.
Go and ask them now if you can change the flights.
You do loads of promos for that company.
Please. No, Zomi, baby!
Shit.
BREAKS WIND
This is my favourite floor.
You said that on the last floor, I think, didn't you?
It's your favourite one.
'My shot at happiness was over.
'I had no choice but to continue my journey -
'my pointless, vapid journey - with a tour of YouTube's London studios.'
Am I right or am I wrong?
Sorry?
Are you curious to find out
just where all the YouTube UK traffic goes?
You've got yourself a deal.
Oh, before we go in, there's no liquids.
So if you just want to put them on the ground.
You can get it on the way back.
Strap in, my friend, because you're going on a ride.
It's loud and hot in here. It's hot and loud.
Do you show a lot of people in here?
Very rare to get access in here.
People don't really like coming in here?
It's not very nice. I'm just getting a text, sorry.
An information hotbed.
I'm getting a text from Nozomi.
Gadget girl.
"Hiya!"
Is he laughing?
Are you OK? He's not laughing, he's crying.
I'm just going to give you five minutes. He's crying.
I love giving this tour, it's an exciting place.
DOOR OPENS
Hey, how are you feeling? Are you all right?
Are you ready to continue the tour?
What are you doing? The servers are down! The servers are down!
ALARMS RING
You didn't cry into it, did you?
You've broken YouTube.
I didn't cry into YouTube.
This is YouTube.
'My tears caused YouTube UK to crash for two days.
'I was a national disgrace, and what's more,
'I had no way of becoming... PHONE RINGS
'..an ambassador for a tech start-up.
'But just when I was about to say goodbye to the ten grand...'
Hello.
Yeah, it is.
What sort of start-up?
With Happy Appy, whenever you feel low or feel like crying,
you just tell the app
and it cheers you up, just like this.
I just feel...abysmal, like...
every day is...
is just getting harder and harder to face.
And I've been drinking a lot and I'm not really seeing anybody,
I've lost...
ROBOTIC VOICE:
'just think of the view from the top.'
'Thanks, Happy Appy.
You're getting the hang of this, aren't you? What a week.
You've broken YouTube, you've spooked Nozomi back to Tokyo.
That's not...
But you've nailed your challenge.
'I'd won the challenge, but lost Nozomi.
'And while I thought about how to mend my relationship,
'I bumped into someone who was about to end hers.'
Hey, Milli.
All right?
Oh, I... Thanks.
It cheered me up.
I thought it was a bit cringe.
That's nice of you to say. Are you going to...?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah.
'Milli set off to fight for her freedom.
'And I left to prepare for my final challenge -
'the only thing standing between me and £10,000.
'The topic would be humour, but I wasn't feeling very funny.'
Hey, man, what are you doing?
Just eating some shit.