After seven King Kong movies,
a new film will take the giant ape in a brand new direction.
What if... Now bear with me,
what if there was a King Kong movie, but it was also...
The 70's? Huhhh?
Strap in for a period piece more retro than a Vietnam vet blasting Black Sabbath on a reel-to-reel tape player.
"(Black Sabbath music)"
In a monster flick that for once delivers on the giant monster battles,
but also tries to be an extended metaphor for the Vietnam War.
Where Skull Island is Nam...
Sam Jackson is the U.S....
Kong is the Viet Cong...
The giant lizards are uhh... The South Vietnamese...
And Tom Hiddleston katana fighting Dino-Birds is uhh...
You know what? I'm totally lost.
Let's just watch the ape hit the dragon with a boat propeller.
"(screeches)"
Woohoo!
Suit up with Monarch, a company devoted to launching a giant monster movie franchise. (YAY GODZILLA!)
"We specialize in the hunt for massive organisms."
They'll travel to an island that's been isolated since prehistoric times.
A Jurassic World if you will...
Minus all the cheap nostalgia.
A place where everything that can go Kong,
will go Kong.
(ROMAN REIGNS WITH A SUPERMAN PUNCH)
Setting up a mad dash to turn this monster into a sympathetic character
before he fights Godzilla in the sequel.
Awww, he's not so bad.
I mean, his parents are dead.
So... He's basically Gorilla Batman, right?
Remember that time he helped that yak?
Get ready for a brand new version of pop culture's best non-Donkey Kong.
Complete with WWE wrestling moves...
Jungle parkour skills...
And the inexplicable ability to sneak up on you
like a ninja. (It's cos he's black)
He's a 100 foot tall ape.
Why does no one see or hear him coming? (That's what she said)
And shouldn't half the island be wrecked from Kong just walking around?
Jordan Vogt-Roberts: Really, guys? This is the best you've got?
Huh? Who is that?
Oh, no, it's Skull Island director, Jordan Vogt-Roberts! (what a beard)
Hello there.
I should've known if we criticized your movie long enough, you'd appear.
Look, you guys can criticize my movie all you want.
All I ask is if you do it, have some f*****g merit to it.
You didn't let me finish though.
I had a whole section ready on King Kong's missing Ding Dong.
It was golden! - Really?
The "Where's the Dick" joke again?
As if you didn't already do that in the Honest Trailer for Zootopia,
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and somehow Fantastic Four...
- Yeah! Well, it's... satire? - No, it's not.
Satire is not bankruptcy. You cannot just declare it.
Relax, dude. It's just a joke.
(footage of Loki meeting a Nova Corps General and sharing a good laugh, 1976, colourised)
Love film criticism. It's an important part of this artform.
But you want to know who my biggest critic is? Me.
You wanna know everything f*****g wrong with Kong: Skull Island? I will f*****g tell you.
Let's see here...
'Skull Island Honest Trailer by Jordan Vogt-Roberts'?
Ok... Here we go...
Try to enjoy a movie with major structural problems.
That spends the whole first act bringing the cast together.
Only to split everyone apart 10 minutes later...
That was going for the emotional simplicity of Aliens.
But ended up with the complexity of Alien VS Predator. (GAME OVER, MAN!)
Ooh, harsh.
Meet great human characters like: John C. Reilly...
"Everybody keep your wigs on now!"
Then meet more human characters.
And more...
And more.
Because most contemporary blockbusters have too many characters.
And most of them should have been cut or consolidated.
But hey, I'm the director. That's on me.
Like the living legend, John Goodman. The guy you enter the movie with,
then drops out cause he has nothing to do but spout exposition.
"(rambling exposition)"
Toby Kebbell, who's great as Kong,
but as a human character is in a completely different movie than anyone else.
"Sometimes life just punch ya in the balls."
Tom Hiddleston, the Vietnam vet for hire who always looks perfect.
Forget the fact that he's supposed to be a 'Nam vet in the 1970's. I mean, look at that perfect hair.
He never even gets dirty for crying out loud.
And Brie Larson, a photographer who's essentially playing Pokemon Snap.
While all the interesting stuff happens to other people.
It's a movie that takes some of our best and most talented working actors
and gives them nothing that even resembles an arc.
Jeez this is really honest.
Yeah, I bathe in pain.
So enjoy a movie that's way better than it had any right to be.
But is not without it's serious flaws.
I mean it is a f***ing monster movie after all.
But it is not, I repeat, not a problem
that it has too many helicopters.
Wait, what?
Look, everybody thinks that there's some issue where there's more helicopters in the sky than there are on the boat
and then Kong takes down an infinite amount of them.
Guess what, you're wrong.
There's a shot in the movie where the camera goes around the boat and you see in the back of the boat.
And guess what's in the back of the f***ing boat...
Helicopters.
What's inside of the boat? More helicopters.
What the boat f***ing made out of? F***ing helicopters.
You know why? Cause you want to see Kong. Like the toy has, grabbing a f***ing helicopter.
You want to pay $15 not to see him f***ing use the helicopter like a f***ing baseball bat?
The helicopter math makes f***ing sense.
Man, this is a really weird Honest Trailer.
Deep breaths, dude.
(exhales)
- Do you feel better now? - You know what? I do.
Can you guys just do that funny name thing that you do?
- You got it. - Thanks, man.
_
_ I dare you!
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♫ _ ♫
♫That kong-kong-kong-kong-kong♫
And a crap ton of anime references.
Did you catch them all?
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To any of you who think we're just capitalizing on all the drama,
we set this up over a month ago.
"The thing that I'm not looking forward to is your people dropping some Honest Trailer."
"Do you wanna help write it?"
- "I would love to." - "Let's do it."
But to be honest, we're pretty lucky the timing worked out to capitalize on all the drama.
(A Nova Corps General cheers up his men during battle, 1976, colourised)
Thanks to director, Jordan Vogt-Roberts, for his honest take on his own movie.
Click above to see our Honest Trailer Commentary on how this all came together.
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