- Yeah. Make some noise.
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Oh yeah.
All Right.
Oh man.
Feels good to be back.
Everything's normal again, right?
Business is back.
Let's give it up for that.
Business is back, let's make some noise.
(audience clapping)
Yeah, no, I just went to the mall.
I got circumcised éclairs.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, it's great.
Everything's back.
You know, we can finally get back
to doing the things we love.
You know, we can finally go back to raves, right.
That's exciting.
You know, I'm really excited about that.
You know, aren't you guys excited about that?
We can go back to raves, you know?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I like doing this thing at raves
where I set up a big long table in the back
and I just try to recruit kids on MDMA to join the US Army.
(audience laughs)
You guys ever like jerk off to something on Instagram
and just immediately report it?
(audience laughs)
So is anybody here a,
(audience laughs)
Anybody here boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yeah, you two.
You guys are.
Yeah?
You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend?
Yeah?
(audience laughs)
Yeah, no, that's cool.
That's cool.
Yeah, that's cool.
That's real cool.
Yeah. (audience laughing)
You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend?
That's nice.
That's, no, that's nice.
That's nice.
That's cool.
No, no, that's cool.
Yeah, I used to be like you guys once.
(audience laughs)
You know, I was in a relationship about this time last year
and we're no longer in a relationship.
But it's cool 'cause it gives me more time
to drink beer with my cousin.
(audience laughs)
No, I don't know.
I used to like being a, you know,
being a single, you know, sex guy or whatever.
(audience laughs)
I don't know.
I don't, I hate, I don't care for it anymore.
I don't really care.
I don't really, it's kind of, it's whatever.
I don't know.
I dare you to try to fuck me after the show.
(audience laughs)
You know.
No, I used to love it being a single, you know,
being a single sex guy.
You know, now I hate it.
Now I hate it.
I hate it.
And I say this,
I say this as like a big big Hollywood comedian, right?
You know.
You know, I can't even imagine what it's like
if you're just some guy in this crowd no girlfriend.
You know, Jesus Christ, you know?
(audience laughs)
Can't even imagine what that's like.
But you know, I hate it.
I hate it now.
And, you know, I used to love it, but,
Like, I don't know 'cause I did the, you know,
I did enough introspection to realize that, you know.
I don't know, I used to be one of these guys who.
I used to be one
of these guys who, you know, straight guys love to be like,
"Oh man, I didn't have sex in high school
and that's trauma," you know. (audience laughing)
Like I worked through it and you know,
(audience laughing)
I've had I've, you know, I've had enough sex now to realize
that it's mostly just logistics, right?
Like, you're having sex sometimes
where you mostly just like typing
on the phone and typing on the computer, you know.
And sometimes you have sex
but you're mostly just
like typing on the phone, typing on the computer.
And like at a certain point I just felt
like I was like doing tech support
for women with personality disorders, you know.
(audience laughing)
Mental health is all around us and that's beautiful.
You know, I, I want you guys to know
that I love mental health, especially if you're a woman.
Especially if you're a woman in this crowd.
I want you to know that I love mental health.
I think mental health is a awesome.
My favorite holiday is actually Mental Health Awareness day.
(audience laughing)
Forget, I forgot when this was exactly
but I remember a few months ago on Instagram,
it was Mental Health Awareness day.
and I saw like a couple women posts like,
"Hey it's Mental Health Awareness day."
Right,
and you know today it's Mental Health Awareness day
And then I was just
in the comments like, "You're acting insane right now."
(audience laughing)
"You're being crazy."
(audience laughing)
Do we have any like straight guys here
with painted fingernails?
(audience laughing)
This isn't a trap or anything.
This is a, yes.
Oh, cool.
It is not a trap or anything. (audience laughing)
What's your name?
- Max.
Okay, cool.
Max is a sexual predator.
(audience laughing)
I see right through your rouse.
I see you right through your rouse
to get she/ they pussy.
Okay, I see right through it.
I see right through it.
No, it's not okay, you know.
(audience laughing)
If straight guy has colorful nails,
they're guilty of gray area sexual misconduct, right like.
(audience laughing)
It's like how. (audience laughing)
Like for every colorful nail, every,
you know, like how, when like a guy murders people
who'll get like a teardrop tattoo.
(audience laughing)
Like every colorful nail in a straight guy's hand
that's like, that's a weird date that they've been on.
(audience laughing) You know.
it's not okay you know.
All all you you fells who are gay
for pussy you're on notice.
(audience laughing)
I feel like, you know, summer 2020 I feel
like white people didn't know how to act on the computer.
(audience laughing)
I think some
of you might be here tonight. (audience laughing)
And that's great.
I'm sure you guys did.
I'm sure you guys helped so much.
(audience laughing)
Well,
I think people had their, you know,
people had good intentions.
You know, people were, you know
people were doing their best,
but you know, once it was like the day
with the black squares, you know
folks kinda lost the thread, you know.
(audience laughing)
And there were a couple days there in like late may
or early June where I saw white people with a lot
of followers do this thing where they'd get on Instagram
and you know they'd go on Instagram and they'd go,
"Hey guys, for the next 24 hours, I'm giving my platform
to a black person."
(audience laughing)
"and then they gotta give it back please." Right.
(audience laughing)
Was like.
I don't know if you have like a baby brain
and you see that you're like, "Oh my God, this is
an angel and a hero. What a noble gesture."
If you have like a normal brain or above,
you should see that and be able to immediately clock
and it's like, "Oh, this is incredibly condescending
and performative and fucking weird," right.
Like in my own life
like if I were to hit up my friend Jemele, right.
Who's my real friend, by the way,
I'm not just like. (audience laughing)
My friend Jemele.
(audience laughing)
Like if I were to hit on my friend Jemele, I'm like
"Hey man, you know I've been watching the news
and you know, it's horrible
what's happening in this country, you know
and every time I turn on the screen,
it's another tragic reminder
of how little progress we've actually made in this country.
You know, we live
in a police state
and you know, it's devastating man.
Hey, I couldn't help
but notice that I have more followers than you."
(audience laughs)
"So if you wanna hop on my account, give it a go.
Here's my password buddy."
(audience laughing)
Like if I'm him and I'm on the receiving end
of that phone call, I'm immediately getting
on that account and being like,
"Hey, what's up guys,
It's me Brandon, not another guy.
There's one word I've been waiting to tweet for years."
(audience laughing)
(soft beeping sounds)