We get a lot of our ideas about what videos to make next from your questions.
And several of you have asked, "How to stop your toddler from
biting?"
I'm kind of glad we're taking this on
Vicki, as a toddler issue because if you're teenagers biting...
-That's a whole other story. -Well and that brings to mind we have to
consider the developmental stages of our kids
when we're looking at any particular behavioral problem like
biting. I remember one of the first books i read on parenting.
Parenting with love and logic, Foster Klein and Jim Fay.
And we had the privilege of having Jim Faye on our parenting
podcast several years ago. One of the opening chapters in the book,
parenting with love and logic has something to do with
German shepherd 101 or something like that.
Because when you're training a dog, (we know this because we're training a
couple of dogs) you have to do certain behavioral
techniques to get the behaviors in the line. -Right.
-Okay. A toddler is not a dog. -Right. -But kind of.
-Some of the techniques are going to work the same. -And I don't mean that with
any disrespect. I mean it by purely developmental
standards. Toddlers' brains function kind of like a German shepherds'.
-Consequence effect, consequences.. -Cause and effect. They're trying to learn what they can
and can't do in the world around them. "What happens when I do this? What happens
when I do that?" And it's linking up cause and effect. So,
when you think about it that way, then I think the next thing we do is go
to well why are they biting. There's a very simple answer to the
question why are they biting. -Because they get a quick response. -Quick,
noticeable, significant response. -Right. -This is one thing that a toddler can do to
immediately change the things that are going. -And a lot of
the times right before they weren't getting the response,
maybe nobody was listening to them. Maybe they didn't get the toy they wanted.
Maybe... I don't know what. But they want a
different response and they want it quick
and they want it noticeable. And so, biting has
worked once, it's going to work again for them. -Right.
-Now, wherever it starts, that's the reason why they're doing it. They get a quick
noticeable significant response. They change
their world in a way that helps them to feel powerful.
Now, it's inappropriate, right? But toddlers don't know this.
And we can't just sit them down and say, "Hey, hey." -"We got to have a little
conversation." -"Not really socially or acceptable to do
that." That's not their level of development. So, we want to go back to the
reason they're doing it, think about the cause and effect that
we're trying to link up. And so we want to create a noticeable
significant effect of that behavior that's
different from what they were getting in the first place.
-Now, I'm going to play devil's advocate for a minute. Because how many moms have
said bite them back, right? -Right. -And that's been
used for many years by many mom. Why does that work? So, talk to me about
why it works and let's talk about what we're going to do about that. -It works
because you get an immediate significant response. -Think about it when
the child bites another kid or you, immediately, they get your attention.
There's this startle and it's noticeable and it's immediate.Right? -Yeah.
-So, the reason that they that if you bite them back it's immediate,
it's startled, it's noticeable, you get their attention.
-Now, disclaimer: -Now we're not saying bite them.
-No. -No. But we are saying let's look at why that even has been talked about.
It's because of that response. So, what can we do
to get the same response in a non-violent
way. -Beautiful. Yes. The same effect but without you getting arrested for
child abuse. -Right. -Okay? So, that's what we're going for.
A noticeable significant effect of that behavior. So, it has to be fairly
quick. I would suggest that we combine 2
powerful consequences and do it as soon after the biting
happens as possible. Because we want to link up cause and effect.
And that is startle and isolation. Both of which will help to bring about
the same effects without getting you in trouble
and... -So, talk me through that a little. -All right. So, the startle part,
as soon as they bite, you you might use a noise like a clap. It may have startled
you a little bit when I just did that clap.
That's the idea. You want a quick some kind of a detention grabber.
-Right. -And startle is one way to do it. -And the style reflex. Remember,
that's there from birth so that we want to hit that
early reflex right there bam, startled. -Now, here's another. I have to be
careful with this one because we are not advocates
of biting your children. We're also not advocates of
hitting or corporal punishment. -Right. -Because that can get out of control so
quickly. So, don't confuse what i'm about to say with
spanking or corporal punishment. Most toddlers
are wearing a lot of padding right around the derriere.
Okay? A diaper, right? Sometimes a quick swat to the diaper...
-Catches their attention. -...startles them. -Right. -Okay? Now, it's not going to hurt
them. You're not hitting them. You're not spanking them.
It's just a quick physical swap to the to the hind end
with the diaper. -Or a clap. -To get the starting effect.
We're not trying to to hurt, cause pain. None of that, okay? -It's just startle. So,
whatever you need to do for a startle, get that. And then the next step is kind
of an isolation. -Now, isolation means that we take them
out of whatever they're engaged in doing. They're probably biting to get some
attention, get a toy. Whatever it is that they're
trying to get. We're going to remove them from that and
isolate them. Classically this is known as the time out.
And it doesn't have to be a long time. But you physically move them from where
they are into an isolated position. And i like to
also pair up. Remember, we're doing cause and effect. We want this
child to start linking up biting causes unwanted effects.
-Right. Instead of biting gets me what I want.
-Right. That's the part that you're shifting. And so, part of the startle
and the isolation would be a sharp not mean, not angry but a sharp
"NO." Okay? And and use the tone of voice that is
very clear and sharp. Now, when I say sharp,
I mean don't use a chainsaw when you need a scalpel.
Okay? So, we're going to be very clear, crisp, accurate. That's what sharp
means. "No bite" or "No biting".
Okay? In a stern voice as you move them to the isolation.
It doesn't have to be for long. And then we're back
to business. -Right. -Okay. So, we just want to change it quickly. Have a significant
immediate outcome that's different from what they were looking for.
I think this is going to help. In case you missed it,
we are not advocating that you bite your child. In fact, we're trying to help them
to overcome that habit. And hopefully some of those tips will be helpful.
Hey, if you would like some coaching, we would love
to help with that. We've got coaches on our team.
We can help you personally. Come on over to Live On Purpose Central.
Go.liveonpurposecentral.com and check out what's available to you.