Who doesn't love the Middle Ages, with its mighty knights, imposing castles,
and armies of orcs stirred to war against man by the wakening power of Sauron?
...alright, we might have gotten Middle Ages mixed up with Middle Earth there, but in this
latest challenge episode we sent your favorite lab rat- fresh from hunting ghosts in Kentucky-
back in time eight hundred years to try a Medieval diet meant for kings!
Challenge start:
Regimen Sanitatis Salernitanum- it means.. I don't know do be honest. Something about a Salernitan
regimen of health I believe. What I do know is that it is one of the only surviving health
texts from the Middle Ages, and Infographics pretty much jumped at the opportunity to make
me try it out for 30 days the moment they discovered its existence! Because if there's
one thing people in the middle ages were known for, it was their keen knowledge of health.
So what is it exactly? Well, it's part cookbook and part medical text, and part spiritual musings-
sort of like a medieval version of Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop, only filled with better science.
It's believed to have been written as early as 1050 AD but was probably put together in
the 12th or 13th century, and was allegedly written by the Schola Medica Salernitana,
an Italian medieval medical school. No one is sure who the actual author is though, but it's largely
attributed to a poet named John of Milan, and written for a European king named Robert Curthose.
The work is written in style of a poem, and touches on daily hygiene and diet.
This is a work that was based on the humoral theory of medicine-
a belief that the body's health was controlled by properly managed levels of four specific humours:
blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile. Using food, hygiene, and good physical habits you could
keep these four humours in check and avoid dying of the common cold, which was probably killing
millions of people at the time. Or anyone left over after the plague got through with them.
Surprisingly though, some of the ideas aren't so far fetched as one might think,
since a lot of the practices contained in the book were discovered by figuring out what worked
and what didn't work. While medieval doctors may not have had a clue what a virus or a germ was,
they at least did understand that diet had a big impact on one's health.
It's just that maybe they weren't always focusing on the right things to eat.
Alright, so page one of the book would help me set my new daily habits. The very first thing
the book recommends is that you don't stress out and don't get angry in order to stay healthy.
This is actually backed by pretty solid modern science- if you spend all day
raging at strangers online you're setting yourself up for a whole host of medical issues.
Instead, relax, be kind, and don't let things stress you out so much.
That part was pretty easy for me, I tend to live my life like that already.
Next, I am commanded to be sparing of undiluted wine-
so no heavy drinking. Again, sounds pretty reasonable, I’ve never been a big drinker.
I am not allowed to take afternoon naps after eating a big meal.
That one is hard, I'm a fan of naps. The girlfriend swears I'm half cat
because according to her every time she turns around me and the dog are napping
in front of our big open window in the living room where sunlight streams in.
The book warns me against retaining my urine and “tightly compressing my
anus”. Um... I think I get it, don't hold your poops. Gotcha. I will refrain from tightly
compressing my anus. Some people in the comments section should probably also follow this advice.
Next, I am instructed that if I ever need a physician, these three doctors will suffice:
a joyful mind, rest, and a moderate diet. I mean, the book isn't wrong, all of those things will
help you be healthier, but I'm pretty sure the reason it lists these three 'doctors' is because
they were all that was available to most people at the time. In America, this is still largely true.
Next I receive my instructions for how to go about my day.
First thing upon waking up is to wash my face with cold water, then do some light stretching. Comb
my hair and brush my teeth. Honestly, this all tracks so far. After my bath have some breakfast
and then stand or walk around afterwards- and I should do that for each meal by the way.
Ok, honestly all this sounds like a pretty healthy morning routine anyways.
Next, I am told to take a short afternoon nap, or don't. Literally, it says that:
take an afternoon nap, or don't. Further, the book warns that “fever,
indolence, headache, and chest cold” could all result from taking that
nap! Now that's exactly the type of medieval age advice I was expecting.
Next is the girlfriend's least favorite part of this whole book, and I quote:
“Four illnesses came from gas retained in the stomach: spasm, dropsy, colic and vertigo.”
The subtext is clear here, if you gotta fart then let 'er
rip. I have a green light to fart as much as I like for the next 30 days!
Finally, I am warned to eat only a light meal before bed and to
not eat again until my stomach has been “purged and emptied”.
Alright, so what am I going to be eating exactly?
Well, first some things I can't eat if I'm sick:
peaches, apples, pears, milk, cheese, salted meats, deer meat, rabbit, goat,
and beef are all bad for me if I'm sick. I'm assuming it's ok to eat if I'm healthy though.
Now it's time to set my diet, and here's all the things I'm supposed to eat on a daily basis:
Red wine, rich gravy, wheat, milk, fresh cheese, pork meat, sweet wine, quote “good
tasting foods” which as a description definitely falls short of the scientific standard, raw eggs-
guess salmonella didn't exist in the medieval ages-, ripe figs and fresh grapes. Oh, yeah,
also: testicles, brain, and marrow. Now, the book doesn't specify which animal's testicles, but I'm
assuming it's going to be one of the domesticated types so, I don't know, dealer's choice?
All in all, not exactly a balanced diet as recommended by the USDA.
Medieval doctors never even heard of a food pyramid.
Alright, the book goes on with general tips on living your best life, like for example
if you mix wine with seawater before a sea voyage you won't get seasick. Extremely confident that's
not scientific, but I guess if you mix enough wine with anything you'll be so blitzed you won't even
know you're on a boat. The book also recommends that if you have a hangover, just drink more in
the morning! I can personally vouch that this does not work. Also this book finds water pretty sus,
and instead recommends drinking beer or wine. In fact, it claims that “beer will
not weigh you down”, so I guess I'm gonna be going through quite a few six packs.
As millions of beer bellies around the world can attest, beer does definitely weigh you down- but
remember, this was the middle ages where being fat meant you were successful and super sexy. Being
muscular and fit meant you worked in the fields like a dirty peasant so you were probably poor.
By the way, the reason why medieval people drank so much alcohol is because life generally sucked.
But also because the process of making alcohol killed a lot of bacteria, and normal drinking
water often made people sick since they had no sanitation. So it really makes sense.
So to prepare for my month of medieval diet I immediately made my way to a butcher shop-
only I had to find one that dealt in parts of the animal we don't normally eat. I managed to
find a place in Chinatown- no surprise there- where I was able to get some of the more...
'specialty'... cuts of meat I required. This included pig intestines, because
the book clearly warns against eating the intestines of any other animal,
but promises that pig intestines and wine is good medicine. Then I snagged some testicles- both bull
and pig- as well as some sheep and cow brains. The butcher gave me a strange look, but as I’ve
covered in many of my previous challenges: as far as I’m concerned, protein is protein.
Lastly, I got some duck because later in the book it says that waterfowl are nourishing. Most of
what I was going to end up eating definitely wasn't available in a local supermarket,
so I promised the butcher I'd be back often over the next month
and he seemed happy to have my very strange business.
When I got home I set my random meats down on the kitchen table, including my bag of
testicles and brains, and the girlfriend began dry heaving and ran out of the room.
So how did my month go?
For my breakfasts I ate a lot of toast with large servings of butter, as butter the book
states is good for digestion. I used whole wheat bread which I'm normally not a fan of,
but I eventually got used to it. Everything got washed down with a big serving of milk-
the book is super into milk, though I wasn't able to find donkey milk,
which the book claimed was the healthiest of all milks. I ended up switching between
goat and cow milk. I can safely say, I'm not a fan of goat milk. It has a weird taste to it.
Also with my breakfasts I had a lot of cheese. Turns out medieval people made a ton of different
cheeses, so there really wasn't much off limits. I even bought it in those big round wheels and
carved it off with a big knife I found. I was definitely getting into the medieval spirit of
things- maybe a bit too much as I began to call the girlfriend my wench and demand she refill my
chalice. The second time I did it she threw a cheese wheel at me and put a dent in the wall.
Oh yeah, I got a chalice. A big one too, it seemed more time appropriate and I can tell
the girlfriend absolutely hates it. Or maybe she hates the fact that I mostly ended up drinking
beer and wine since the book is so anti-water, so I was perpetually lightly hammered. I'm not
a big alcohol drinker to be honest, so it didn't take much to keep me buzzed. After
this experience I can honestly tell you that our ancestors were raging alcoholics.
Cheese was a pretty big part of this diet. The book literally tells you to end each
meal with cheese for proper digestion. So cheese lovers rejoice, this diet’s for you.
Also for breakfast I had raw eggs. I have no idea how medieval people prepared them,
but the book says raw, so raw it was. After each raw egg I had to drink a whole cup of wine.
Apparently it helps with digestion. All I know is it definitely helps to wash away
the taste of a raw egg, which is pretty awful. The girlfriend has a thing about eggs, so when
she saw me slurping down raw eggs she started gagging again. Hey, it's all just protein to me.
Lunch and dinner were the most challenging meals.
I know a lot of southern people are into chitlins, but eating intestine was probably my
least favorite part of this whole thing. I tried following a chitlin recipe I found online, but
they just kept coming out tough and rubbery. Oh by the way, always make sure to thoroughly clean your
chitlins, because poop runs through them. I spent quite a lot of time in the south so I was aware.
The girlfriend wasn't at all, so when she finally gathered the nerve to pick up a piece of intestine
to feel it, she got some brown stuff on her hand and I thought she was going to pass out.
From that day on she couldn't eat at the same table as me whenever I made chitlins.
You know your food is fresh by the way if your chitlins are still a bit mucky. I gotta say,
that Chinatown butcher shop was on point.
I looked up some recipes for brain online as well, and honestly, I found them to be
kind of tasteless. I tried sheep and cow brain and they both kind of tasted the same to me.
When the girlfriend saw me preparing them she about had a fit, though I think it was
the testicles that really did it for her. She ended up vomiting a bit into the sink when she
saw me frying those up. For the rest of the day she refused to let me kiss her.
It didn't take me long into this whole journey to understand more of medieval history and why
people were constantly fighting and killing each other. Also why science was so slow to advance.
This book recommends wine or beer with literally every single meal. Do you have any clue how
absolutely hammered our ancestors were? According to them, water was too cooling and would produce
indigestion, so instead you either mixed it with wine or just drank straight wine,
period. Or beer. Every single meal, and an entire glass of it after certain foods like eggs.
I wasn't ever incapacitated enough that I couldn't function, but the girlfriend forbade
me from driving anywhere and honestly that was a good call. Good thing I mostly work from home.
So how did I feel after thirty days of eating raw eggs, beer, pork meat, wine, testicles, beer,
brain, wine, cheese, beer, wheat bread, wine, milk, beer, random waterfowl, and of course wine?
Well, I unsurprisingly put on weight. What's surprising is that I put on a whopping ten pounds.
But it wasn't really like in any one area like you might expect, instead it was just kind of all over
the place. The girlfriend said that I just looked 'padded' all over, which is kind of a weird way
to describe me. I hadn't stopped doing my normal exercising and weight lifting during this time,
and I actually noticed that all the protein in this diet has definitely increased muscle mass.
But the addition of body fat along with muscle proved to me that every time you watch a medieval
show, it's BS. Guys back then weren't jacked with abs, they were strong but they were also thick.
So next time you're watching The Witcher and Geralt takes his shirt off,
imagine him with a bit of a belly, far less abs, and more body fat all over.
It was weird being buzzed all the time at first, but eventually I got my tolerance up and noticed
it less and less. Medieval people must have had an ungodly tolerance for alcohol,
because they literally drank it all the time. It was like Gatorade to them, and I have to admit:
sports would be a lot more fun if the players were absolutely wrecked the entire time.
I guess cutting out all that sugar we have in our diet today was a good thing,
surprisingly I noticed that my cardio actually improved
despite this diet being so carb heavy. Or maybe I was just hammered since I do my running in the
morning and I had to drink an entire cup of wine after each and every egg I ate.
All in all, I thought this diet was going to be a lot harder than it was,
or that at least it would have a lot worse repercussions than it did. After all,
this diet comes from the same people who thought vinegar, quote
“dries up the nerves of the fat”, which I have absolutely no idea what that means.
If you're interested in trying it out, look up the Regimen Sanitatis Salernitanum for yourself,
just make sure you stock up on testicles, because you're going to be eating a lot of them.
Now go check out my Prison Food Challenge, or click this other video instead!